Thursday, January 30, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 5, "Player for Life"

VH1,  check local listings.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Aunt Kendra: Kate has left a 'trail of hurt people'

In an interview with week with Dailymail, Kate's older sister Kendra Wilber went on record for the first time about her famous sibling. Kendra says she has been trying to reach out to Kate and her nieces and nephews for six years to no avail, which has been "very painful" for the family. "She wants a big life and we don't fit in," Kendra told reporters.

Shortly afterward, Kate's makeup artist and chief enabler Deanna tweeted that the article "lied" and that Kate misses Kendra  but just doesn't have her number. (LOL, oh that's great.)

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 4, That 'entrepreneurial' sex tape

Last week on Couples Therapy, Wu-Tang was upset because he's dating a wonderful woman who, oh sh&&&&t, is an ex-prostitute. He does not understand that not all ex-prostitutes are the same. I didn't know what 'I met her while I was on my grind. And I'm still on my grind' meant last week and I still don't know this week. Anyone? I tried going to Urban Dictionary, but that wasn't much help. It thinks grind means a large group of something, such as geese. Why would Wu-Tang be messing around with birds when there's a nice girl like Kelsey to pay attention to?

The lesbians play detective about Teen Duck Lips, growing increasingly suspicious her accidental unexpected unplanned "oops" sex tape was no mistake at all. They think it might actually have been produced. The lesbians crack me up. They are as serious as Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty, getting to the bottom of this.

There they are laptop out horrifying video keyed up, ready to solve some equations, calculate sunrises and sunsets and wind speeds, memorize some blueprints inch by inch and eventually save first-world civilization from Teen Duck Lips's evil reign. I for one salute them as true American heroes.

Coming up, Liz thinks Jon was masturbating, and Jon says um, what? I wasn't doing any such thing.

Liz, come on.

My bad mood is lifted immediately when I see Dr. Jenn has Teen Duck Lips talking about Debra! Yes! If they won't physically bring Debra on this show (please pretty please?), at least we should be able to talk about her. If you don't know the joy that is Teen Duck Lips's gestational carrier Debra Danielson, you need to marathon watch Teen Mom. She's remarkably well put together for such a nut. She even apparently is quite successful in the real estate business.

She looks a little like she could be Farrah Fawcett's sister, even styles her hair like her sometimes, but she's Howard Hughes crazy, maybe crazier.

Unfortunately that fantastic series was part of the big swiffer Netflix did on January 1 and is now gone from our streaming queues along with Braveheart, Mr. Bean, and a bunch of other great stuff (B.S., Netflix! What will I do without my Scotts, my Brits, and my dysfunctional Iowans?), but I'm sure you can find it somewhere. It's worth blowing a whole weekend to watch, I promise.

Credits roll, and then the lesbians rat out Teen Duck Lips to Duck Lips and her douchebag fiancé who's always too hot, letting them know the "sex tape" is actually produced pornography.  Oh, it's totally backdoor, too, they say.

Backdoor? I'll have to consult Urban Dictionary again for that, stand by ...... Oh, my word.

Well, that's "entrepreneurial" of her, says Duck Lips. Ha, good one, Duck Lips!

One of the lesbians explains look have I done sexual things on T.V.? Yes I have, and I will not stand in judgment of others doing that, too. My issue is that she lied to me about it. Just don't lie, that's not too much to ask. I really like these girls. They're just so rational and full of common sense, and it's refreshing.

They go in for group therapy. Is this all the same day as last episode? Jon and Liz are still wearing the same clothes and it's still dark out. That must have been some marathon night of filming, but as long as it's consenting adults, who cares?

Kelsey is upset that Wu-Tang has cheated on her in the past. He did? What right does he have then to judge her for being an ex-prostitute? Unclean hands! Good grief.

Wu-Tang sits there having a lightbulb moment for awhile, and for a second I think maybe he's going to tell Kelsey he's so sorry for being such a hypocritical tool, she's a great girlfriend and he loves her. But instead Wu-Tang is finally like, hold up, am I being cast as the "bad guy" in all this? Heh, it's like it just hit him how this is all going to be spun on our T.V. screens. Yes, Wu-Tang, you are indeed the bad guy. Too late. Not much progress made there, so Dr. Jenn switches to the lesbians.

Their biggest issue really is not being ready to settle down and one of them doesn't like to hug much. Seems kinda trite sitting among the likes of Duck Lips and Teen Duck Lips. Come back when you have real problems, you're not ready for prime time yet. Liz says she relates to that, since she needs her space sometimes. She sure makes Jon sound overbearing. Jon says sure he likes that closeness because his marriage didn't have a lot of affection and was more like a business transaction. That was one lucrative business transaction! This month, for the first time Jon publicly called Kate a narcissist, after she put the twins on T.V. on Today and they choked. I wonder if Jon has read about how narcissists withhold affection. Sounds like exactly what happened to him.

Is this a reality show or a press release? Jon says it's not true that he had affairs which ended the marriage. You see, the marriage actually ended because of post it notes. Wow, never knew that. I assume he must have been so smothered by Kate's to do lists he had to end it or suffocate.

Jon had a girlfriend when he met Liz, and when they took a break recently he slept with other women and even moved someone in. I guess I should be shocked, but I'm too distracted by the fact that Liz referred to her boyfriend during the split as "a dude." Yeah, she's totally that girl. The lesbians are literally covering their eyes, LOL!

I can't help but like Dr. Jenn, whose hair today is so straight it could be pick up sticks, because I think she understands this situation to an impressive degree, and is saying things that Jon desperately needs to hear. The doc says Jon is still rebelling against Kate (it's TFW, Dr. Jenn, but no matter) with Liz.

Duck Lips's fiancé, who if I didn't mention is Duck Lips's lawyer, also sometimes has trust issues because he gets jealous when Duck Lips talks to her fans. I keep picturing this couple like Joan Crawford and her boyfriend Greg Savitt (also her lawyer) in Mommie Dearest, where she tells him "You expect me to ignore my fans? They're life and death to me, baby! They're the ones who really made me!" And Greg says, "I expect you to walk in with me and sit down at your table with me!"

For some reason Duck Lips's troubles are deeply upsetting to Teen Duck Lips, who is in silent tears again over by her lonesome on the couch. She's even clutching a tissue for maximum effect. Teen Duck Lips uses props when she fake cries, she is really dedicated to this craft.

There goes those vocal chords again. Teen Duck Lips is upset about her sex tape. The lesbians are looking at her like, "Uh-huh .... Go on." Heh. She goes on. The lesbians finally can't help themselves, they're like, So, about this so-called sex tape, Teen Duck Lips. Ha, the lesbians are cracking up now. They can't keep it together anymore.

Oh dear, when even Duck Lips is resting her forehead on her hand in dismay you know it's going to be good. The lesbians calmly confront Teen Duck Lips, skillfully trapping Teen Duck Lips in a lie when she accidentally admits there was a camera person. Not that this actually took a lot of skill at all, they just basically let her talk and the lies spewed forth.

We're not judging you, we're not judging, they assure Teen Duck Lips. No, they're just having fun. That's not judgment. That's just a good time. Dr. Jenn interjects to make a useless comment that it's good Teen Duck Lips is talking about this. Good for our entertainment she must mean.

In a wide angle shot of the couples, you can catch Liz just quietly rubbing Jon's knee, almost subconsciously. Like when you're watching a movie and find yourself playing with your man's hair without realizing it. We never saw TFW make such a gentle gesture toward him and it's strangely kind of touching because clearly he is craving something tangible like that. I believe them that they love each other, I think they both just have a great deal of issues that need to be worked out first and they probably both would benefit from being truly single for awhile. No dating at all. Heck, a year from now they could get back together and be a completely different, and much healthier couple.

Coming up! Jon and Liz are a little behind about what the big deal is about this so-called sex tape, but don't worry Kelsey happily fills them in. Teen Duck Lips feels left out from the group, and trust her she can tell when she's being excluded. Is that because it happens to her all the time?

I can't wait to see Labor Day. I think Kate Winslett has emerged as one of the greatest actresses of her generation. Way better than jokes like Goopy here. Thank goodness Winslett didn't jump off that ship back in 1997.

We're back. Day 6, 12:21 p.m. Ha, this really is starting to feel like Zero Dark Thirty.

Kelsey is apologizing to Wu-Tang? What the...

Wu-Tang can't even bring himself to roll out of bed for her. Rather he acknowledges this heart to heart with a fist bump. Free Kelsey.

Over lunch, Kelsey tells Jon and Liz about sex tape gate, and their reaction is pretty much the same as everybody else's in the house. Yep, sounds like full on porn to us. Jon says just own up to it, sheesh, even Kim Kardashian owned up to hers. I just love how all the housemates love to rub it in that Teen Duck Lips is nothing more than a poor man's Kim Kardashian. Somehow it's just so insulting and clearly drives Teen Duck Lips crazy.

You know I haven't seen this sex tape, but I'll take Catelynn's word that Farrah sounds like a dying horse in it (ha-ha!). I can just see Cate and her sweet boyfriend Tyler pulling this up on their laptop and busting an absolute gut laughing. Teen Mom's Catelynn and Tyler have always been rather mature and trustworthy. Of all the teen parents equipped to raise a child, they were it. And yet they were the ones who gave their kid up for adoption, go figure. (By the way when Catelynn made that comment, Teen Duck Lips accused her of being jealous. Sound familiar?)

To settle any further debate about Jon and Liz's wardrobe, it looks like yesterday they were indeed just wearing frumpy airplane clothes. This afternoon, Jon has on a clean starched Navy polo, undershirt, and nice jeans, and Liz is wearing a conservative black shirt and pressed skirt. They look completely appropriate and professional. Which is kind of funny for a show as salacious as this.

Predictably, that awkward moment arrives where someone you've just been talking about walks into the room. Teen Duck Lips sashays in with her chopped salad, her usual unsettling lack of eye contact, and leaves as quickly as she arrived.

Jon says Teen Duck Lips probably did the tape to change her brand (ugh, I hate when he talks about brand when it comes to human beings, it's just so weird) but now it's blowing up in her face. Jon has practically earned a degree by now in Things Blowing Up in People's Faces. 2013 was the year of things blowing up in TFW's face while he and a handsome guy named Tuma watched from the sidelines popcorn in hand along with the rest of us mediocre.

Aw, Teen Duck Lips. Everyone is having fun out by the fire and Teen Duck Lips is inside by herself being left out. Poor thing. "These people" don't include her, she would never be friends with "these people," she tells a counselor.

Oh, Teen Duck Lips. For starters, you might stop addressing them as "these people" if you're serious about being included. She makes them sound so proletariat.

Aw, Teen Duck Lips has no friends because she's a sociopath and no one likes her, not even other sociopaths like Duck Lips. Wow, that's embarrassing. Usually most deviants can at least find a few friends in other similar deviants. Not Teen Duck Lips. This is all very boring, so while I wait for this sequence to be over I browse Urban Dictionary. I really want to know what Wu-Tang meant by meeting Kelsey on his grind, and I have an idea. Instead of searching for just "grind" I'm going to search for "on my grind."

Bingo, here it is! And now I know. Thanks, Urban Dictionary.

Coming up, finally we get to talk about Debra.

We're back, and Teen Duck Lips goes into a one-on-one session with Dr. Jenn. Dr. Jenn says at this point it's obvious Teen Duck Lips's boyfriend is not gonna show up. Ha, ya think? Teen Duck Lips whines that the housemates don't like her. I swear Dr. Jenn's eyes are drooping, she seems as bored with this as I am. That or the fake eyelashes make her eyes look half closed.

Most of Teen Duck Lips's boyfriends last five to six months. Sounds like it must take just about five or six months to get a complete picture of the depths of her insanity and hightail it out of there.

Dr. Jenn says the problem here is Teen Duck Lips doesn't have enough compassion for herself. For herself? No, that can't be. I skip back and listen to it again. Yes, for herself.  Dr. Jenn! Teen Duck Lips has no compassion for others. This is why she is a sociopath. I'm no psychologist, but way off base!

Teen Duck Lips judges herself too much. And three, two, one the vocal chords are gone. I can feel like this is about to take a long-awaited turn to her Mommy issues; I'm on the edge of my seat. And here it is: "whose voice is that in your head, where'd you learn that, who taught you that?" Dr. Jenn asks.

Oh, me, me. Can I answer?! This woman's voice?

Ding, ding, ding. Correct. Debra Danielson allegedly called Teen Duck Lips names, didn't love Teen Duck Lips, and tried to manipulate her out of her money. Now, Debra is no picnic no question, but I'm pretty sure she would have a different perspective on the situation. Debra owns more than one home and is a successful businesswoman, she really doesn't need Teen Duck Lips's thousands. I also don't believe she doesn't love her, though I do think she is too impatient and has a hard time expressing her love appropriately. As for the name calling, well, maybe she just didn't know what to do with a sociopathic child who went off and got herself pregnant at 16. I wonder if she felt like the mother in We Need to Talk about Kevin, who noticed something was wrong with her sociopath son from almost the moment he was born, but never really knew how to handle it. Who would? And the way Teen Duck Lips verbally abused her mother while her mother just took it, was outrageous--it's all on film. I think Teen Duck Lips is pretty much saying they're estranged now. Big surprise there.  So many of Teen Duck Lips's issues remind me of TFW's issues, and I also have my strong suspicions that Kate's version of her parents may not be reality. Maybe they were just as frustrated with their narcissistic child as Debra is. Any parent trying to raise someone like this must feel like they can't do anything right, and the thing is, sometimes for people like Teen Duck Lips that's probably true. Shout out to Dmasy on this blog who recommended We Need to Talk about Kevin, and to all the other great literary and film recommendations over the years from the folks here.

I love how loosely tied this all is to the original concept of the show, "couples" therapy. This is more like, "why you can't find yourself in a couple to begin with" therapy. But since Teen Duck Lips is just so darn addicting, the producers are rolling with it. Oh noes, Debra nagged Teen Duck Lips too. Dr. Jenn just cocks her head to the side at that, like pups do.

"You know we're going to need to bring them in here at some point" to resolve this, Dr. Jenn says.

Commercials. I really cannot wait to see Dr. Jenn psychoanalyze the Abrahams all in the same room. This is like I'm eight years old waiting for Christmas morning and it just feels like it will never get here, the anticipation is that great. I hope she comes out on Debra's side.

It's the birthday of one of the lesbians, so they throw a party with a bunch of their friends from the outside. They've even got some people dressed up as mermaids for the pool, which is fun. Teen Duck Lips says she's actually having a good time. I think Teen Duck Lips doesn't have a clue why a statement like that is offensive and certainly obnoxious, and that that attitude is probably why no one likes her. On the remote chance she ever cruises by here, I'll spell it out for her. Saying you are surprised to be having fun implies that you did not expect you could have a good time with the people you are with. And that is mean and hurts those people's feelings. There. I kind of feel like the experts are right, it's probably true that you can't change a narcissist. No amount of explaining over the years seems to help Teen Duck Lips understand, or for that matter TFW. I almost wonder if the only possible way to change them is to have them memorize what is appropriate to say and what is not, like you would middle school flash cards. They wouldn't understand why something is the way it is but they may be able to memorize not to do it.

The lesbians really have buckets and buckets of friends, and they all seem to really love them. That says a lot about the lesbians. You don't need to necessarily have a lot of friends to prove you're a good person, but the friends you have do need to be sincere, and these people were very sincere tonight. In some ways I feel sad for the Duck Lips girls because I doubt they know or understand anything like this.

Later that night, the other lesbian is upset because the birthday girl was flirting with Wu-Tang. Because she laughed and gave him a hug? And Wu-Tang, really? He's such an ogre and is mean to Kelsey. This feels so fake. Just as I predicted the birthday girl is like oh my God even if I were straight I wouldn't be attracted to him! Haha. I really don't believe any of this.

Day 7, and the lesbians quickly make up from their fake fight and are back to being normal and likable. Speaking of suspending disbelief, here goes. Jon is in bed, and Liz walks in and thinks he's masturbating. Jon says he was just scratching. Since they don't really show much, much less anyone masturbating, it's kind of pointless to debate what really happened. What is obvious is this is a heavily edited scene with more than the usual cuts, splices and dialogue occurring off camera. Something doesn't add up. Um, no pun intended.

Later in the day, Jon explains that he was hurt and embarrassed that Liz didn't believe him, and withdrew from her.

This is the moment where I stopped liking Liz, when before I felt like, even though she's rough around the edges, Jon needed someone like her to call him out. But I meant call him out on the big things, not on silliness like this. Liz is way over the top strung out about this. Has she known a man before? Any man. Or boy. Or anyone with a Mr. Happy, who apparently, according to that sex, always wants you to come out and play, worse than even the most annoying kid on the block growing up. Liz even admits she's withholding sex from him. So, it's okay for her to withhold sex from him, but not okay for him to relieve some tension from that in a perfectly normal and harmless way? Would she rather he have affairs? She can't be pleased. Now Liz is cackling and making fun of him, and Jon really looks crushed. What a jerk she is being, what the heck?

Liz claims Jon is being victim and needs to man up. Jon's eye contact and deep hurt make me think he is telling the truth about this, that he wasn't masturbating. Telling the truth is not being a victim, and I don't see what manning up has to do with anything.

Jon says when Liz laughs at him and walks away it reminds him of how his marriage was. Oh, dear, that's sad. But not surprising. The extent of Kate Gosselin's humor is picking on others. She is a bully of the worst kind, and I don't know how he could have missed that before he put a ring on it. It is shocking the way Jon has found himself in yet another relationship where he is so deeply disrespected. No one should have to endure being cackled at except Disney princesses.

Next time, thank goodness Dr. Jenn gets it and is accusing Liz of shaming and emasculating Jon. Exactly.  Now Wu-Tang wants a threesome? Oh good grief, this guy. Kelsey finally snaps and throws juice in his face, cheers!!!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 4, "Fess Up"

VH1,  check local listings.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Jon to file for contempt, and seek custody of the sextuplets

"It's the only way I can protect the younger six."

Jon tells InTouch that Kate is in violation of their custody agreement because he has "right of first refusal" (Kate is required to offer the kids to him first before getting a babysitter). Kate did not inform him she was leaving the sextuplets behind with a caregiver in Pennsylvania when she took the twins to New York City to go on Today and The View. Had Jon known, Jon could have exercised his right of first refusal and had the sextuplets stay with him during the twins' media tour. He said this stunt was the last straw.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 3, The Ghost of TFW Past (and present, and future)

Last time on Couples Therapy, Taylor and Farrah ended their short-lived (and certainly entertaining) infatuation with each other. Aw. Apparently the straw that broke the camel's collagen back was when Farrah insulted Taylor by explaining that she, Farrah, was an entrepreneur, and Taylor was not. Oh, snap! The fact that Farrah can even pronounce entrepreneur correctly is pretty impressive. There is something so hysterical about Duck Lips, arguably one of the most malevolent reality T.V. personalities ever (D.V. my ass, Taylor--there I said it now I can get on with this), being this ticked off at Teen Duck Lips, her baby-eyebrow-plucking lady-in-waiting. Whoever had the divine inspiration to cast these two fools together deserves an award. These sort of brilliant ideas usually only come to producers Sunday mornings at places like the Santa Monica Stairs. Some other stuff happened with the other less-interesting cast that's not nearly as fun as this, but I think I heard something about a prostitute. Coming up, Dr. Jenn (that's the therapist running this whole shebang who sort of looks like a very pretty skeleton) is calling Duck Lips out on her positively mental behavior, and Duck Lips actually takes it to heart and decides from here on out she is going to be a better person and mother. Heh, just kidding, she's pissed as hell.

Day Three in the Couples Therapy pad, and the fallout continues from something that happened last week when we last left them. I think it was over Duck Lips being mad her room was too hot. I'm serious. Some 20-something production assistant sort of rolls her eyes, as if she's been dealing with this diva and her demands for weeks now. I guess Duck Lips hasn't considered maybe that gal or someone else in production cranked up the heat in her room on purpose.

It is soon revealed Duck Lips is also upset because the vast Los Angeles mansion (it's so huge it echoes) is not big enough. Oh, and they gave her pea green towels. Pea green towels, people. Duck Lips says she wants her homemade lattes and filet minon and bigger mansion. I like Dr. Jenn already even though I didn't want to. She is basically like eh, this is really about Duck Lips's other issues going on and don't worry Duck Lips won't get her way. Oh, good.

One of the girls from the nice (and normal) lesbian couple tries to talk Duck Lips back down from outer space as if Duck Lips were a normal person too. That was nice lesbian couple's first mistake. Dr. Jenn soon reveals that this all went down at 3 a.m. Oh, Jehoshaphat.

Dr. Jenn says in 20 years doing therapy in Beverly Hills of all places she's never seen anyone throw a tantrum like Duck Lips just did. Nor has anyone ever complained about the accommodations in the three seasons they've been doing Couples Therapy. Wow, haha. That's embarrassing. And also, that's it, I officially love Dr. Jenn. Tell us more!

I like how Dr. Jenn often prefaces explanations she's about to give with "and here's why." It makes it sound like she really believes what she's saying is important so listen up. She explains that Duck Lips is stronger than the tool she was last night.

Duck Lips misses the whole point and prattles on some more about the food and the heat. Wow, her boyfriend/fiancé/whatever, really does not like being hot. Hm, maybe that's why he lives in Colorado. That's smart. Duck Lips starts blubbering about how she already lost one loved one to reality T.V. (as we recall, her ex husband committed suicide in 2011 after saying that reality T.V. had pushed him to the limit) and she's not going to lose another! Goodness, I've heard some awful things about reality T.V. but I've never heard of death by a heater set too high.

Dr. Jenn tries to explain to Duck Lips that her career did not kill her husband. I hate to tell her another doctor, Dr. Phil, disagrees. ("Exposing the difficulties of your marriage" led to his death, says the good doc.) I mean, it's Dr. Phil. I think he knows what he's talking about. Dueling media doctors!

This third doctor doesn't know what to make of the lot of them:

Actually that third doctor wasn't on the show at all but I stumbled upon his picture looking for the other one and thought it was funny.

Taylor reluctantly admits that chaos and not being in control are what really is upsetting her. Dr. Jenn says we'll have to address what's going on inside to be able to help her. Dr. Jenn, you are assuming she even has an inside and that is some assumption when it comes to this vortex!

Kelsey, Wu-Tang Clan's ex-prostitute girlfriend, is desperately trying to convince Wu-Tang that not all strippers are the same, but he's not having any of it.  Now if it's so hot, why is Wu-Tang Clan wearing a thick beanie on his head and all those layers, huh?

The best part of all this is Teen Duck Lips sitting over there all by her lonesome, making various shocked and appalled faces. Like she's such an authority on relationships.

If you missed how Teen Duck Lips ended up on this show single, you missed quite a treat. There really isn't time to explain the whole fiasco now, but let's just say it involved a fake boyfriend and how contrived this show is, of course, and it was all exposed in all its glory. Heh, good job, Teen Duck Lips.

Dr. Jenn gets the whole room teary-eyed when she tells Kelsey that no man can define who she is. Kelsey walks out, and when Dr. Jenn shoots him daggers Wu-Tang says nope, he won't follow after her. He's completely sunk into the massive couch and is practically reclined by now so I'm not sure he means he just doesn't want to go after her or he physically can't get up. Or maybe he's just comfy and not too hot. Anyway, the Book of Girlfriend Rules say Go after her, you idiot. I'm pretty sure it's in chapter one if not the preface. There have been no proven exceptions to this rule, ever, in the history of girlfriends. Just a little friendly tip from a lady, Wu-Tang.

Commercials (Why do the Mob Wives look more like somebody straight out of 50 Shades of Grey? Not your mother's mob wives.), and when we get back Wu-Tang is still stuck on the couch stubbornly refusing to go after Kelsey, even with Dr. Jenn giving him an even worse look than before the commercials. Wu-Tang, how many looks do you need before you get it? Another therapist, I guess Dr. Jenn's assistant, chats with Kelsey. What I take away from this conversation is it seems like Kelsey certainly loves Wu-Tang, but isn't getting a lot of respect and trust in return. Well, she has some weird hair going on there but she seems pretty nice. Seems like she could do better.

Teen Duck Lips launches into something or other about how she always changes her schedule to accommodate the guy, which Dr. Jenn calls giving up her power. Teen Duck Lips has powers? God help us. There's nothing wrong with changing your schedule for someone you love as long as he does it once in awhile too. Maybe I'm too simple about relationships, but if you don't like giving up your schedule to accommodate someone....then stop doing that. Problem solved. Next?

The nice lesbian couple is being awfully quiet during all this. I didn't even realize they were here until now. The look on their faces is classic. Basically like, "shiiiiit, and we thought we had issues?"

Duck Lips starts tearfully psychoanalyzing Teen Duck Lips. If that's not the blind leading the blind I don't know what is. Duck Lips says Teen Duck Lips trying to be a writer, restauranteur, make sex tapes, and some other endeavors, means she wants the world to love her.  Well, there's some projection if I ever saw it. Or maybe, Duck Lips, Teen Duck Lips just has a lot of interests: food, sex, the great American novel. Duck Lips says she does not want Teen Duck Lips to end up like her. It is hard to pick a side here, they both have marshmallows for brains. There really is no discernible side.

Dr. Jenn says Teen Duck Lips lives in a bubble and does not connect to people. Cut to the chase, isn't that basically narcissism? Or in Teen Duck Lips's case, a true sociopath. Naturally Farrah is in tearless tears by now. Why does her voice sound like someone cut off her vocal chords whenever she fake cries? It's creepy and rather villainous. I'm not uncaring I swear, I care about everything, she sobs.

Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, Dr. Jenn says, and she cuts them loose to enjoy the rest of their day. Ha.

Commercials, and we're back. Nice pool. God help production though if the water's too warm.

Poor Kelsey, she isn't asking much from Wu-Tang other than love and a solid relationship. She sounds like a great girlfriend who does not make unreasonable demands on her man like say, Farrah would. How can he sit there next to both the Duck Lips and not be appreciative of Kelsey? I don't like him. The lesbians and Teen Duck lips are having lunch with Kelsey outside and the gist of the girl talk is that Kelsey is a good person and Wu-Tang is full of it. Yep, pretty much.

Day Five dawns. Aw, the nice lesbians are rousing in bed, giving each other soft little kisses. I love sleepy little good morning kisses. This couple seems so healthy and normal compared to everyone else in the house. I was raised in a very conservative somewhat intolerant part of the country, but things have changed for me and even for much of the people I grew up with. It's hard to watch a nice couple like this, or say the absolutely heartbreaking documentary Bridegroom, and be able to say with a straight face these couples shouldn't have all the rights and protections that the other much less-likable f-ed up heterosexual couples in the house have. Do put in the effort to watch Bridegroom. It is an emotional ride but worth it.

So where are Jon and Liz you say? We know their flight was delayed due to a domestic terrorist attack at LAX. But it was only delayed by a day, maybe two. Jon alluded before to this gig being a sudden thing. I have a theory that after the fiasco with Farrah's not-a-boyfriend, Jon was who they scrounged up to replace them. Then they decided because Teen Duck Lips and her tearless tears are just so darn entertaining to watch even without not-a-boyfriend, they would keep her on. The show calls the delay "logistical issues" but I like my theory better.

Predictably, Wu-Tang is the type of guy who when he hugs his girl, has to go straight for the ass cheeks and squeeze them. Sigh, I've never met a woman who liked a hug like that. Hello, up here, my face is up here! I mean, at least caress her cheek or kiss her first before making a beeline for the rear.

Teen Duck Lips over breakfast says oh my God of course not I would never do porn, bite your tongues! The lesbians are like, well, that's cool, we're just saying we heard on good authority there is a pornographic film out there.

Ohhhh, you mean the sex tape? Well, yeah, she did that.

The lesbians tell the cameras in a nutshell Teen Duck Lips is a Kim Kardashian wanna-be. Ha, the lesbians so have her number, but are just brilliant at playing all nicey-nice with her. I love them. I know Duck Lips works herself all into a tizzy over the stupid things that come out of Farrah's mouth, but I think the lesbians are having a heck of a lot more fun keeping their cool and just playing along with her.

The housemates find out a new couple is coming in. For what feels like five minutes, which is like five hours in T.V. years, most of them lament how anxious they are about someone new coming into the group. Well, they're coming, so all this is a moot point. But that's reality T.V. for you. Drama.

Jon gives a quick summary of who he is in case you've been blessed not to know about this family, and I swear to God my ears heard him say that the family's show documented their "lies," though I think he more than likely said "lives." Same difference. He admits the household was militant and Kate emasculated him. If by emasculate he means she strung up his balls to the Christmas tree and everyone gathered around and sang Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, then yes, I guess he was "emasculated."

Jon says he was lonely until he met Liz. I like how they describe what they saw in each other when they first met. Jon was drawn to Liz's honesty. She certainly is bleeping honest, I'll give her that. Bleepedly bleep. I can see how that would be refreshing after being married to The Former Wife, as The Former Wife could very well be a clinical compulsive liar and is now, the very morning this episode aired, even making her own kids tell her lies. Liz liked how happy and genuine Jon is. They show a never before seen recent photo of all the kids with Liz and her three really cute blondie children. They look like they're in a park and they have bags like maybe they were on a Easter egg or peanut hunt, or perhaps collecting candy at a parade. Half the kids are sticking their tongues out playfully and everyone else is happy and smiling. The photo is strangely sad in that it shows that all eight do have such lovely normal moments with their dad and the woman in his life, but Kate can't just let it go and let them be when they are with him. This is exactly what we mean by the lies. TFW and her sheeple try to paint a picture of how terribly detrimental it is at Jon's, so bad why the twins are practically estranged from him. The photos show otherwise: happy and relaxed children who seem to get along just fine with Liz and her children and certainly their beloved father. I should be happy to see kids happy. Yet, I feel sad because until the parental alienation stops from both Kate and everyone left who supports her, they will not be free to love their father as they have a right to be able to.

Jon says he wants to move past the way he typically handles problems: passive aggressiveness. Well, that's a start, wanting to change.

Farrah is kind of giddy to meet Jon. She immediately recognizes him. People that want to be celebrities so badly themselves usually are pretty goofy around other celebs.  She and Kelsey scurry off to confer. Kelsey slowly remembers who he is. "Was he, like, the good person in the relationship?" Farrah asks. Well, Teen Duck Lips is not as dumb as we thought after all. Yes, Teen Duck Lips, he was the good one in the relationship. Which means Kate would be the bad one. We'll try to keep it simple for you.

Wu-Tang is basically like hell, I know that dude, and shh&&&t, he was going through some big sh&&t there. Yes, that is also true. Even Duck Lips admits Jon has really been through it, which surprises me in light of her issues with her husband really hating reality T.V. and she in turn hating him. But then she snootily remarks that she doesn't like their choice of rather frumpy hoodies and torn jeans to wear. I doubt she listened or cared if anyone told her about the terrorist attack and that they just spent the past two days in airports. It should be noted that it is was also late at night when they arrived; everyone is gathered by the outdoor fire, winding down for the night. I'm sorry for Duck Lips they did not drag out the cummerbund and panty hose for her. Is at least the temperature more to her liking now?

I know some folks weren't crazy about their outfits, and I don't claim myself to feel any desire to run out to the store to get my own knockoffs, but the fact is "frumpy" really is the style a lot of celebs are dressing in now. You can see the same exact style in countless recent pap photos of A-listers wearing ripped jeans and hoodies or other baggy tops, including January Jones and Rihanna, whose outfits in their respective pap photos look almost identical to Liz's, and even Gwyneth Paltrow, the Goopster herself, who apparently loves to wear her ripped jeans when she gets the hankering for strawberries. To prove my point, you know something has gone Hollywood A-lister when suddenly the price makes no sense whatsoever. Elliott Boyfriend Jean in Super Love Destroyed, the ones all the celebs are wearing, will set you back $229! For ripped jeans. Insane.

Anyway, Liz and Jon meet the rest of the cast, and everyone is more or less friendly. Except Duck Lips, who is obviously livid that she the world-famous and revered Duck Lips has to actually share a little screen time with such a D-lister. Heh. Jon remarks in an amiable tone he remembers meeting Duck Lips at some event awhile back. Mel said it best about this one, "Taylor was snooty in response. Like, omg, if we were at the same event it was a fluke....I am sooo much better than you scum types." Ha, exactly. The funniest thing is the event was "Night of a Million Reality Stars." Which from the name alone sounds like one of those L.A. autograph trade shows for has-beens and other D-lister mediocre types like Ted McGinley. Nothing wrong with that, but it's funny that Duck Lips, big as her head is, lowered herself to show up at something like that.

The lesbians watched the show and felt for Jon, which is exactly the reaction I would expect from good women like these two. They like Aaden (who doesn't?), and Jon and Liz just light up. Jon calls him "Chicken Little," and beams with pride. Aw, cute.

Jon says he and Kate are not civil because, well, Kate is suing him. Liz snickers, along with the rest of America. Liz also says she, Liz, needs therapy, which is good to hear. Truly, half of therapy is accepting you need therapy. Liz says she has to be the tough guy in the relationship. She also says it's hard to talk about herself. Jon was right, she is very different from Kate. Liz sort of reminds me of a young Jodi Foster, kinda rough around the edges. Similar voice and mannerisms too.

The house Duck Lips said was too small, Jon is overwhelmed by. It's huge. He says he could fit his whole family in the bedroom alone. Funny how two people from similar T.V. backgrounds could view the same thing so differently.

Liz and Jon get something quick to eat and talk about how Kate judges Jon and that he can't win. She never likes anyone he is with, which pretty much says it all. If I could play Dr. Jenn for a moment, it is not the women that bother Kate--it's Jon being happy, and that is pretty sociopathic. Liz said she tried to be open minded when meeting Kate but that didn't last long. Heh, you mean when you tweeted she rolled her car window up in your face? However Liz also says Jon plays victim about the situation, which is a fair comment.

They head straight into therapy with Dr. Jenn. Well, they wasted no time here. They first met when Jon noticed Liz in a parking lot and later picked her up at the bar. Romantic. Liz thought this was going to be some kind of one-night stand thing, but instead Jon just wanted to be held. Oh, sheesh, that's sad.

Liz said she didn't expect "Jon Gosselin" to be on her couch that night, and Jon gets all strung out because he hates when she calls him that. I'm with Liz on this one, she's just saying it was a little surreal to have a persona you've seen on T.V. suddenly be in your real life. Her initial reaction is a normal one, like how you might be taken aback if you actually saw Santa Claus come down your chimney and eat the cookies you left out you were planning to eat yourself. I see what she means about Jon playing victim, he is sort of being a big baby about some fair points she is making, but Dr. Jenn says she is diminishing his feelings and needs more compassion. I guess, but Jon throwing a fit about her being a little thrown off by a celebrity on her couch is pretty silly.

Jon is haunted by Kate and his past, he says. Normally I would say this is a little dramatic, but when you consider this .... globule.... is his ex:

 it's actually quite understandable. God, can you imagine being haunted by Kate Gosselin? And what sort of medium or ghost hunter would you call who would be willing to get rid of it?

Jon wants to get married, Liz does not because she's concerned that she's interchangeable to Jon. Jon shakes his head in disbelief saying that's just nonsense.

Well, after all that heaviness, coming up next the lesbians are googling Teen Duck Lips and are horrified. Yes!

We're back, and Teen Duck Lips is really looking forward to tomorrow so she can wake up and do her hair. And that is why Teen Duck Lips is such fun to watch. Hey, is anyone else missing Debra right about now? If you watched Farrah's show you know who I'm talking about. Why couldn't she come in and be Farrah's other half? Those two have enough issues to keep Dr. Jenn busy until retirement.

The lesbians are having a pow-wow and decide that Teen Duck Lips is lying about her sex tape because they've heard it was not just some random accidental sex tape but a heavily produced and planned pornography film put together by a camera crew. Ha, they're like let's Google it and decide for ourselves! This gives a whole new meaning to Google is your friend. It will even help you clarify what's porn and what's not, it's that awesome of a friendship. Do folks like Farrah honestly think, when they spout off all these lies, that no one knows how to use a computer? The lesbians find it, and they watch it. And they're horrified, of course. Their conclusion: Oh, full-on porn star, for sure. Baw-haha!

Coming up next week, the lesbians call out Teen Duck Lips on her heavily produced pornographic film. I don't know what this has to do with couples therapy and growing as a couple but this showdown sure looks great. In other news, Jon is still playing victim and Liz calls him a pussy for it.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Kate and the twins on The View

After their disastrous appearance on Today, what will their second spot of the morning look like?  

Check local listings.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 3, "New Couple Controversy'

Although two episodes have already aired without them, Jon and his girlfriend Liz make their first official appearance on the popular VH1 reality show tonight. Check local listings.

Meanwhile, the fallout continues from the twins awkward and uncomfortable appearance on Today yesterday

Watch Access Hollywood's excellent panel discussion on the debacle. They get it.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Kate and the twins on the Today show

Watch the segment.

Thursday, 1/16. Check local listings.

Jon's response: "I just feel horrible for my twins. You would only know as a parent. I wish I could've rescued them. I only knew they were doing Today early this morning. It looked like the twins had a moral dilemma -- 'are we supposed to say it now? Or Maybe we shouldn't say that.' I'm here for them, I love them. They could call me with anything in the world. When I see them for custody next week I'm gonna hug them and ask how's school - I'm going to be a parent first thing."

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 2, 'Love Hurts'

 Check local listings.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Dueling magazine covers

This week Kate and the twins are on the cover of People. The twins insist they are not damaged by reality T.V.

The same day that cover was released, inTouch released their own cover of Kate, "Destroyed by Greed." In their interview with Jon, in which he lashed out at Kate, Jon said Kate is "hurting our children."

And the battle rages on.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 1, 'Therapy Begins'

Jon and his girlfriend Liz are on the popular VH1 reality show tonight. Check local listings.