Thursday, March 26, 2015

Former nanny: 'There is something seriously wrong with her'

Kate is "nasty, nasty, nasty," the nanny, now social worker, told reporters.

This is not the first nanny to come forward. Last July a nanny said Kate forced her to spy on the children's phone calls with Jon and that Kate hit Collin with a wooden spoon. And several years before that a nanny disclosed that when she worked for the family in 2008, she witnessed Kate drinking too much and hitting the children.

How many nannies need to come forward to believe it?

Friday, March 13, 2015

Recap: Celebrity Apprentice top moments and Episode 7: They think that we're through, but, baby, you'll be swell! You'll be great!

Before kicking off the final episodes of The Celebrity Apprentice, they treat us to a little clip show featuring, in short, their most "OMG!" momentsI could just skip this. But since watching this show is such a delicious guilty pleasure and these top moments helped make it so, it deserves a recap.

You would think Celebrity Apprentice is I-an what with how impressed they are with how wonderfully amazing they have been over the years. Look at all the celebrities, look at all the drama, look at all the crazy. Look at....Gary Busey. Just a warning, people like Gary Busey make the likes of Kate look like Dorothy Gale. Trump has never hesitated to put the true mentally ill on his cast, and predictably, antics always ensue.

We start with the top five feuds, and first up is none other than Geraldo getting into it with that chump of a Jonas brother Kevin. Lol, that was a good one indeed. Geraldo is ranting to Jonas about something or other and Jonas tells him there is a "five-second rule," you should wait five seconds before jumping into a conversation you just walked into. I thought the "five-second rule" is for when you drop your pizza, I think he's mixing this up. In any case, Geraldo feels lectured at, and storms out of the room still ranting and cursing. Hehe.

Next up, Nene, who surprisingly, I rather liked, and that idiot tool Star Jones. When Star Jones tried to tell Nene that Nene was going to be PM, Nene flipped out on her, accusing her of "playing her." Haha, I'd forgotten about Ivanka's face, which is basically like "ehhhh!"

At number three is Latoya Jackson and Omarosa, the original Apprentice villain and proof positive even the White House can make a hiring mistake. Things were going along just like a normal fight when Latoya made the fatal error of telling Omarosa to be quiet. Latoya's voice sounds the way I think a Precious Moments figurine's voice would sound. If they could speak.

I think what really made the fight so good was fellow contestant Lil John's commentary on it, explaining that when a black woman cocks her head to the side and puts her hand on her hip, which both women did almost simultaneously, you know there's trouble. Hehe.

Number two is Meatloaf vs. Garey Busey. I vividly remember this fight, and as I recall it was more frightening than funny, with Meatloaf about to burst a ventricle over this. The fight was over who moved my cheese, by the way. Or art supplies. Ultimately Meatloaf shed some man tears and the two hugged it out.

The number one fight was Omarosa again, this time versus Piers Morgan. When Piers said if Omarosa worked at the White House she must have been a cleaner, Omarosa walked over to him and calmly dumped an entire glass of champagne on his head. Hey, I have all the respect in the world for those who clean that particular house, that looks like hard work. The feud continued over the course of the season and even beyond, with Omarosa taking pot shots at his kids and making "your mama" jokes, and Piers calling her a tramp and making some snide remark about her natural habitat. Oy vey.

You know for all its trashiness, I don't think this is the worst reality show an older kid could watch. At least if your child watches one of these trashy feuds, you can say, now what do you think Jonas brother could do differently to collaborate with Geraldo? Or was Omarosa's reaction helpful or not helpful? Surprisingly, there's some lessons in teamwork to be found here. There's not much sex on this show or at least when there is it's all innuendo, and all of the swearing is bleeped out. Plus, consequences are shown for outrageous behavior. As in it often gets you fired, like Kenya. Those who keep it together, like Leeza, do well. It's one of those shows where the villain ultimately never wins, and that's good.

Next, we're going to look at some of Trump's favorite "fails." Hehe, hashtag failing!

Number four is our very own Kenya and her stupid King's Hawaiian buns on your buns campaign. The baby aspect of their campaign was super creepy and creeped out all the executives. While that was a really bad idea, I'm kind of surprised it made the top four. I know I've seen much worse on this show.

Number three deserves its spot. It's when Dennis Rodman signed off on misspelling Trump's wife's name, Melania, on all their graphics for a perfume campaign. He had it as Milania. Poor Brande Roderick had to present the screwed-up graphics to the panel, which included Melania herself. Funny how Brande acted like nothing was wrong nothing to see here, folks, yet you could practically watch the little bead of sweat dripping down her temple. I like the little "what-what???" double take Melania did when she saw the error, lol. Dennis must be joking trying not to get fired in this situation, not with Melania's husband in charge of who goes. He was toast from the moment he approved that little "i."

Number two is Clint Black's totally disgusting idea for a laundry detergent commercial. His video makes the suggestion that two parents would use the product as lube during sex. It's sort of a long story to get there that you don't need to know. Even Joan Rivers, who would not hesitate to make fun of pretty much anything, like even the deaf, thought the whole thing was "a disgrace." When Joan Rivers thinks you've gone too far, guess what, you've gone too far. Clint starred in the video, too. Ewww. The executives thought it was almost like porn, yuck. Which, it totally was.

The number one fail was Gary Busey's mechanical dog idea for an LG campaign, culminating in him barking at Trump in the boardroom. The biggest problem with this was it simply didn't make any sense. "I don't understand," poor Penn Jillette said, unable to control his giggles. Penn and Lisa Rinna, who are much smarter than the average contestant, tried their best to salvage this clusterfuck, but there was no turning back.

By the way introducing all these segments is Trump himself, looking less orange than usual, sitting on that silly leather red throne.

Next are the top four earners on this show. Ian vs. Geraldo collectively raised $600,000 on a wedding dress challenge. Ian lost by only $2,000, and because Braveheart and Mr. Peanut are gentlemen, they agreed to split the cash.

Out of the blue, Paul Teutul Sr.'s team raised over $332,000 selling sandwiches, with over $304,000 coming from Paul himself. Total dark horse. Paul gave the money to Make-a-Wish, and simultaneously put other reality stars to shame, proving even a D-lister can fundraise.

Number two is Trace Adkins's radical, though rather brilliant, idea to close their meatball shop to the general public and only open it to their big check donors. It makes so much sense I'm shocked no one else has done it since, although Geraldo has come close on his fundraising tasks. Don't waste anyone's time trying to schmooze and serve the general public, who may only bring in a few hundred dollars each tops. Everyone's efforts should be on working the phones and chasing down the high rollers. If the same amount of effort (or in some cases, less) is needed to collect $10,000 versus $100, it makes perfect sense to completely forget the $100's and only expend effort on the $10,000's. The plan worked, and over $400,000 was raised for the American Red Cross. By the way, that's what Brandi was trying to say when she complained about Kate spending so much energy schmoozing the general public at their pie shop. It doesn't help anything. In fact, it's a complete waste of time. The task was not to create the best pie shop restaurant, in which case what she did would be beneficial. The task was raise money, period. Unfortunately Kate skated by again that time, but Trace just proved that Brandi was spot owwwn. This was back in the days of two-hour episodes where they had time to actually show Trace presenting the check to the Red Cross right in the field, which was nice.

Number one is John Rich and my all-time favorite contestant of all, Marlee Matlin! For those who like to brush this show off as just a bunch of D-listers, stop right there. Yes, there are plenty of D listers filling in the gaps, but Trump's managed to book some real legends like Marlee, a brilliant actress and Oscar winner. Without a doubt Marlee is one of the greatest actresses of our generation, and certainly the greatest deaf actress there probably ever was. There are A-list celebs like Marlee out there who are not above doing this because it's for charity, any publicity is good publicity, and their ego isn't so inflated that they care about showing their face on a dumb T.V. show. (You can tell some people on this show are mortified they had to resort to this.)  Not only was Marlee sharp as a tack, but she was downright hysterical too, full of one-liners and zingers about her fellow contestants or the situations she found herself in, all delivered through her trusty interpreter and business partner, Jack Jason. As Stephen Hawking has an American accent that just seems to fit him, so too does Jack's clearly masculine voice somehow fit Marlee like a glove. Apparently, Marlee has been known to tell people, through Jack of course, that she can hear on Tuesdays. You know, just because she feels like messing with them. And who could forget her brilliant guest appearance on Seinfeld, in which George and Jerry ask her to use her talent for lip reading to spy on George's ex. "Sure, I'll do it!" Lol. For a deaf woman to have such a firm grasp of comedic timing without ever having "heard" a comedian deliver a joke, is really astounding.

Also, her face when that idiot Star Jones tried to whisper over her shoulder to her? Lol.
Rich proved he is a celeb who is sincerely interested in their charity by inviting a St. Jude patient to stop by. Little Collin was cute as a button. Together, Rich and Marlee raised 1.6 million dollars, with Marlee edging him out raising almost a million. With that, she became the celebrity who holds the record as most money ever raised by a celebrity in one sitting not just on this show, but any show. A lot of deaf children have state of the art hearing aids thanks to her. And that's a television legacy worth putting in the history books.

Next up is the top five boardroom backstabs, hehe. 

Naturally Joan Rivers's epic duel with Annie Duke is on the list at number five. Joan's insults were colorful as usual, stuff like, "this woman will spit and drown her mother in it" to get ahead. Heh. When Trump suggested Annie is nice, Joan retorted, "so was Hitler." Yipe! They don't show the best part of this feud that happened some time later, when Melissa eventually gets fired instead of Annie, and hobbles around in her walker boot because I guess she broke her ankle at some point, ranting and raving things like "whore" and such. Then Joan grabs her fur coat and gigantic purse and storms out in some kind of furious Mama bear rage. Joan Rivers had actually transformed into Rose Hovick right then. Good ole Joan, thanks for the best guilty pleasure cat fight ever and may you rest in peace.

Number four is Vincent Pastore vs. Piers Morgan. Wow, Piers is showing up a lot on these lists. I think he's quite good at getting under peoples' skin. He knows exactly what he's doing. Vincent was very upset that Piers made him spy on the women's team. It insulted his honor I suppose. And also it didn't help that Piers called him a fat Italian. This all ended with Vincent practically threatening to see to it Piers was offed, and I don't mean just off the show. I mean offed-offed. Well, that was a bit scary. I'd hate to see Piers have to be skirted away to Norway or something for his own protection!

Number three, Richard Hatch vs. David Cassidy. Well that alone is quite funny. I hope no one breaks a nail. It's a little confusing what this was about, but Richard says something about how he has been accused of picking on little people. What? Lol! That sends Nene, Lisa Rinna, and the rest of the women's team into absolute hysterics. Little people, lol! Hehe, that was funny. I think Richard meant picking on people more vulnerable, but little people is so synonymous with dwarfism these days I think that's the first thing most people think. Even Marlee can't help giggling. In other news, it's crazy how much that "I just wanna fly" guy Mark McGrath looks like Ethan Hawke. I bet he gets confused for him a lot in public, which I imagine is a blow to the ego.

Number two is from Kate's season, Kenya vs. Vivica. Yeah, that deserves a spot. Cell phone-gate, of course. Kenya took, sorry stole, Vivica's phone, tweeted about menopause, and then tried to pretend she had nothing to do with it. It took Vivica way too long to figure this out, especially given, you know, her phone was missing. When she finally solved the oh-so-complicated puzzle, boy was she ticked off at that "dirty-ass bitch" and "low-down dirty bird." Hehe, I guess Vivica really thinks Kenya needs a bath. Hard to imagine what will top this one, but here it is.

Piers Morgan vs. Omarosa again, of course. Omarosa said he was a terrible father, and Piers said she was trash. That fight was low I guess, but not nearly as interesting as say Rose Hovick vs. the Queen of Hearts or Vincent threatening to stick Whitey Bulger on Piers. Wow, Carol Alt is sheer elegance. I don't even think she's had much work done. She looks so out of place among these doofuses. Or doofi. She looks like how I imagine Duchess Kate will look at her age. You know, keeping it classy.

All these clips make me want to rewatch some of these seasons. I haven't seen them since they aired and some of them were so good!

Trump tries to explain he hates firing people. Please Trump, you love it. This show found its success on the "you're fired" tag line, remember when that was as popular as "hashtag winning!"?

The top five most memorable firings are:

Number five, firing that doofus Kevin Jonas. He made the absolutely suicidal choice of bringing a strong player into the boardroom, I-an, instead of who he should have brought back, the weaker Lorenzo. Except he made a huge mistake in assuming he was as strong as Ian. Oopsie. I guess this would have been an amazing strategic power play had he actually pulled it off, but since he didn't, it's nothing but a flat whoopee cushion.  This cherry-cheeked little doughboy couldn't have a bigger ego, and actually thought he could out-think Trump. You're fired!

Number four is what I consider an absolutely classic Apprentice firing. If you don't know why Celebrity Apprentice is the best bad show on television, this is the clip to watch. It's amazing how far Ivanka has come in just a few short years. What the hell is Ivanka rocking here? She's got her hair parted in these weird chunks on either side of her head, huge rectangle white earrings that look more like that missing piece to your blinds you've been looking for that fell behind the desk, and some sort of cape-like dark purple regal kind of ensemble. She's so much classier now, much simpler yet stylish. Girls, there is such a big difference in our styles between 25 and 30, can I get an Amen? Conversely, Trump looked much better back then, his hair a sort of brown shade the color a human might actually be able to grow on their own in the natural world.  Anyway, the crux of this is Trump practically told Gene Simmons who to bring back into the boardroom so that he could fire someone other than Gene, who for some odd reason Trump loves. Trump always loves the strangest people. But since Gene is Gene, instead he brought back two people who did nothing wrong on the task. Trump was so annoyed at the way Gene tied Trump's hands, you would think his eyes were going to squint right out of his head. Gene, I have no choice, you're fired.

The number three firing is kind of sad, in which Dennis Rodman admits he has a drinking problem which seems to be interfering with the game. The other contestants were rather supportive, which was nice. Hey, an Ed Hardy hat! Those were the days. Trump says Dennis let him down and lets him go. I quite like how Trump handled that situation, because I think it's usually better for addicts to hear that you really screwed up and I'm disappointed, as opposed to things like "I don't mind, don't worry, it's going to be okay."

Lol, number two is Ian's firing. Trump's reaction to his jingle was so funny just because it had to have been everyone's reaction at home too. Wtf, that's La Cucaracha! Lol. Ian gaslights so hard that you can smell it. I still laugh when Eric tells his dad yes Dad you're right, and Trump just replies, "Good son." You're fired!

Oh, number one is Melissa getting fired instead of Annie Duke, and hobbling around in her boot while Mom storms out behind her. No wonder they didn't include this epic clip earlier, that explains it. They were saving it for now! At one point there is so much cursing/bleeping going on all I can make out is ----- lying ----- horse------. They think that you're through, baby, but you'll be swell! In honor of Rose Hovick here, I give you the greatest stage mother of them all, Rosalind Russell as Rose singing "Everything's Coming up Roses."

Finally we do an overview of the winners, which are Piers Morgan, who was a high roller with no shame whose tactics were pretty aggressive. That's generally a sure way to get to the end on this show. The next winner was Joan Rivers. She didn't quit for good after all, she came back with an incredible focus and drive and used her wits and experience in all things showbiz to beat out her nemesis Annie Duke. I think Joan Rivers is just a classic example of how you don't need to be the prettiest girl in the room, or the smartest, or the tallest, or the most stylish.  But, you do need to be the hardest working if you don't have that. Fill up your calendar all day every day with work. And if you work damn hard at it, I mean writing-down-and-cataloguing-every-single-joke-you-ever-thought-of hard, you can get good at anything. In fact, better than everyone else eventually when it all shakes out. Malcolm Gladwell agrees.

Brett Michaels was the next winner. He was a bit softer spoken than most other winners, but he was darn determined. He beat Holly Robinson Peete, who is as sharp as they come. Apparently, she's a gem. I know one of her son's teachers, and she says Holly once invited the entire class all over to their mansion for a pool party, teachers and all. They're good people.

John Rich was the next winner. I was disappointed Marlee Matlin didn't win, but there's no denying that John was a tough, smart, work horse type player. It was quite possibly the hardest choice Trump ever had to make, given John and Marlee were easily the best players to ever, ever grace this show then and now. But for John on that season, it would have been Marlee.

Arsenio Hall won his season next, which I was pleased with for the simple fact that I didn't really like Clay Aiken that much. As I recall, Clay was very patronizing and not as good as he thought he was.

Trace Atkins won next, another softer-spoken winner but work horse and good fundraiser. He was willing to try some pretty risky ideas, and they paid off. He played the game to win, which is generally how you win, wouldn't you know it. See, good guy always wins. 

We're finally up to this current season, here we go! Last time on Celebrity Apprentice, Ian's nuttiness finally caught up, and their jingle absolutely sucked. Leeza and Vivica came up with a much better jingle, with a few lines from Geraldo that actually worked, the executives couldn't even find anything wrong with their jingle, and Team Vortex finally wins after five straight losses.

Trump fired the entire other team, Brandi, Ian and Johnny, which was bullshit, but I'm over it.

Vivica, Leeza and Geraldo are waiting in the suite to find out who got fired, and nobody is coming back. Leeza says it's been hours now.  I completely forgot about the fact that if everybody gets fired, no one will come back to tell them what happened. So they're sitting here thinking this must be the most agonizing decision of Trump's life, hehe! I guess a producer will have to tell them at some point.

Finally the phone rings. Leeza approaches it like she's about to dismantle a bomb, lol, she's so scared. "Team Vortex?" she says as she picks it up. Hehe, that's just adorable. If you're going to play this game, you might as well just get into it.

Trump's receptionist says he wants them in the boardroom. "At least it's not Vladimir Putin," Geraldo says. Heh, current events jokes. Welcome to the nerds club.

Poor things, they must be wondering if he's going to fire them too or something. They all seem pretty happy the other team got offed, which surprises me. I thought they all liked Brandi and Johnny and would at least miss them.

Trump puts them on the spot right there and then and says he's going to pick the final two now, and starts asking them questions like why they should be the next Apprentice. So in essence, four people will get fired in one sitting. I have a feeling this has far more to do with Trump being ordered by NBC to tighten up this season so they can streamline it into just a few short weeks, rather than Trump seriously wanting to off four people at once. A mass firing is a quick and easy way to cut things down without any fuss, done.

Can I just say that I hate this aspect of reality shows when it happens? You know, the interview. It's like watching a senior in college meet the boss for the first time at a real job. It's always so awkward and amateur. British Apprentice devotes an entire episode to the interview each season, and it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Something awful or awkward always happens, always. Even if someone can interview well, they're so darn nervous and put on the spot it never ends well. I don't think I've ever seen a single interview under these circumstances go well.

Vivica says lame stuff like she has more to learn from Trump, and since Geraldo and Leeza are the smartest on this cast, they very slyly team up against Vivica to try to get her fired. Very sharp to team up after the weaker player.

Then Vivica does something completely nuts and says that Leeza is a better player than her, she can't lie. What is with this season? I've never seen so many contestants fall on the sword for each other, from Lorenzo to Brandi to now Vivica. There was clearly some kind of bizarre and intense bonding going on in the suites during production, with some of these people absolutely adamant they've come out of it friends for life. I've never seen anything like it on this show.

Even Leeza looks shocked and is like, what, no, don't do it!

Trump seems to accept Vivica's letter of resignation and even sort of respects her for it, and fires her. Sigh, I don't get that. There is so much more money to potentially win for your charity. It's one thing to quit when Lorenzo did, but you made it to the top three! Why quit now? That's crazy. I definitely put the odds that this was completely set up and scripted as just a quick way to get rid of Vivica, at about 60-40. It's that blatantly scripted. It's so hard to imagine Vivica doing that out of the blue, especially when she had no idea two minutes ago why they were even in the boardroom in the first place. She just thought of this as she was sitting there? Odd. Even if she truly did just decide to do this, this should not be something you decide in two minutes. It's too big of a decision to quit, and too much is at stake for your charity. She didn't think about this carefully, there's no way she did, and for that she disappoints.

For the final task Trump is sending them to Florida on his private jet (ha-ha, suck it, Kate) to make a commercial about Univeral. Okay, I am now convinced Geraldo thinks autistic is pronounced "artistic." He's said it that way about five times now. Malaprop confirmed. What a doofus.

Note that Trump said they should invite all of their celebrity friends. All! Aw, think somebody will invite Doofus?

Trump says the money raised is just going to be one factor, he will judge them on a bunch of other things too. I like that so much, it's so much more fair. Being a good fundraiser is a nice skill but an Apprentice should be much more well-rounded than that. Plus Leeza is screwed if it's only about money, and perhaps this was set up from the get-go for her to win, so they can't have that.

Leeza and Geraldo have sort of a journalist's code going on between them. Leeza emphasizes that they've known each other forever, which doesn't surprise me. They may both report on a lot of entertainment news and pop culture and perhaps aren't taken that seriously, but they are both among the pioneers of modern television journalism, and that's a small world. This is a gentleman's duel to them, and even if you end up shot you will still shake your opponent's hand and say good fight. Since when did this show get so darn civil?

All right, I'll allow myself to be "just jelluz" of this jet. Airplanes have become such disgusting cattle cars these days, how nice it must be to be the only two passengers on your own little shuttle. Leeza and Geraldo board and set off in style to Orlando. I find Geraldo's mustache really gross up close. It looks like a brillo pad. Ew, stop twisting it.

Geraldo seems to think his charity is the only one to have the idea of getting the mentally disabled out of institutions. He acts like everybody else must stay in a giant 800-bed hospital in the polluted part of town. That's not the case at all, not in 2015. There are group homes everywhere now. In certain communities like mine where zoning allows for it, you can find one on every corner and they often just look like someone's house. And in fact many autistic people live at home with family. I don't think it's that he doesn't realize this, or is deliberately lying. I think it's that he is one of those who just says things and lives his own truth without really being concerned with whether it's really factual or not. He's rather like a politician, actually. Only what is he running for? To be "the best," I suppose.

Woo-hoo, some of the fired contestants are back to help and it's not Kate, baw-hahhaha! I absolutely love that Kate is not included in this. Brandi, Johnny and Jonas brother will be on Leeza's team. Of course Jonas brother feels he has so much more to show and give. Well, we've definitely seen all sides of that silly little ego of his, I wonder what else he could possibly have in there.

Leeza has a good idea to do a "memories" theme, which ties in nicely with her Alzheimer's charity. She is going to try to get Olivia Newton John to come sing for her. Okay, Olivia Newton John is totally in the same group of friends I know who know Leeza. See, they really are true friends, and have been so for decades. I never met Olivia or Leeza, but I heard so much about them I felt like I had. Olivia was the type who preferred to have people over at her house instead of going to somebody else's, so people were always flocking over there. Of course since I was mostly friends with the "kids" in this family not the adults, us kids would end up staying behind while the old folks had all the fun off with the celebs. Olivia's daughter who is my age was trying to build her own music career. Some of my college friends who had videography experience helped her out with making some music videos and things like that. Chloe was a nice girl, I don't think she ever made it though like she wanted to. Like many children of celebrities, she doesn't have that same unexplainable spark her mom does. She is pretty and talented, but so are lots of people. It takes something more than that. It is tough to be in the shadow of someone like Olivia. Anyway, my two degrees of separation to Leeza is turning out to be good fun.

I guess the only worry I would have here is that Olivia Newton John, as nice of a woman she is, is kind of dated. I'm not even sure many younger folks know who she is. I don't know if she has the kind of broad appeal that would attract a broad audience. Leeza admits Olivia is a friend but doesn't disclose that Olivia is one of her best friends, nor does she have to disclose that, but I know that in fact she is, and I wonder if that is coloring her judgement.

Ian, Vivica and Lorenzo will be on Geraldo's team. Haha, that's two contestants fired before Kate who are back to help, Lorenzo and Jonas brother. Where is Doofus? How do the sheeple explain this oversight?

In the past, celebs have picked from a selection of former contestants, schoolyard style. I really wanted to see Kate have to stand there and not be picked and hobble herself home empty handed in coach. But I suppose it's just as much fun to imagine the producers not even giving her the phone call to show up for the pick in the first place. I wonder how long she waited by the phone for that call to never come like she does when the kids go to Jon's.

Geraldo is not so happy to have Lorenzo and Ian on his team since he didn't really get along with either of them. Ian says look, he was trying to get Geraldo out of this game since day one, but it didn't work out. That doesn't mean he's not going to work darn hard for him. That's how a mature adult handles such a situation, of course. That's a big reason why Kate flew under the radar for so long, because better players like Ian were much more worried about the big fish.

I do have to say Leeza has the much stronger team when it comes to brainstorming ideas. Geraldo's ideas are always lame, and they already sound lame here, with Geraldo acting as a reporter who leads the kids into the Harry Potter thing. He will even dress up as Harry. Geriatric Harry I guess? Oh, yeah, kids will love to follow after a creepy old Harry Potter growing an ill-advised mustache. Geez, Geraldo, think.

Back to Leeza's team, and they're hashing out their good ideas. Leeza is so much better than anyone else on this season's show it's embarrassing. She fits right in with the likes of Marlee and John.  She's using buzzwords like axis point and hook that smart people realize is important to hit on in a project like this. This is about more than just putting together a video. It's about understanding what makes a commercial work, and then executing that. Leeza gets that. Few other doofuses on this show would.

Jonas has a rather great idea of an over-scheduled Dad who finally learns to relax at Universal. It's simple and I'm pretty sure it's been done before, but it's completely effective. They meet with the executives who are going to let them film in the park.

Ian is extremely proud of himself for coming up with questions that Leeza's team didn't think of to ask the executives. Lol, he's a trip. Geraldo's ideas have to do with "inner hero" as a theme, buzzwords the executives actually used. Not bad either.

I'm shallow and notice Jonas brother is so pale and doughy just walking around, I wish he would just pick one and either grow a beard or shave it off, and his style is just downright dowdy with lots of sweaters and patterned pastel shirts. I can see him maturing into a completely ugly 35-year-old man and terrible dresser. And, he's proven to be a tool. The kids these days could do so much better.

I guess they are scouting a bit at a pool and Leeza's friend calls in with a big donation which excites her greatly. Wow, there are a fuckety-million (shoutout to Tucker!) fans everywhere staring and taking photos. I guess it's not every day you were just going to get on the Tilt-a-Whirl and you bumped into Leeza Gibbons and a Jonas brother instead.

Tee-hee, Brandi and Johnny play hooky to go get some beer and hot dogs. I love them. Jonas thinks he needs to get a leash for them like his parents did to him. His parents put him on a leash? That explains a lot. What's next, they killed his pet bunnies too? Geez. Leeza's kind of like whatever let's not worry about where they are. Because let's be honest Leeza is running this show and whether anyone else shows up to the party doesn't really concern her that much. I mean she appreciates the help but she could run it on her own too, so it doesn't matter to her. I find it interesting to see how differently Leeza and Jonas brother reacted to two teammates gone missing. Leeza doesn't let something like that distract her for a second. Certainly throughout her career lots of people have not been up to snuff but if she spent all her time worrying about them it would only hurt herself, and she's smart enough to know it. On the other hand, Jonas brother is young, naive, dumb, and a stickler for the rules. He is very concerned with others, what they're up to, and the kind of weight they are pulling, so hot dog and beer-gate bothers him so much more and holds him back from doing what he needs to do. I think it's obvious which approach is more successful.

Haha, Brandi and Johnny are actually in fact doing absolutely nothing, just chit-chatting and drinking. I wonder what led up to this. Were they just like, "Eehhh, I'm bored, you? It's not like we're getting fired so, fuck it, right? Hot dog?" Lol, so great.

Geraldo seems much more concerned with the selling/donation part of this task in which they have to sell vacation packages. This is kind of bad because Ian has already tapped most of his donors for ridiculous amounts, and Lorenzo and Vivica aren't going to be much help.

I think Geraldo would look so much better if he just cut about two inches off his hair. He's just so shaggy and it's not attractive. Geraldo goes back to his old standbys at Fox and such and seems to be making a bit of headway.

Over at Leeza's team, Brandi and Johnny have full bellies and are perhaps slightly tipsy but ready to work. Leeza is explaining that she is going to send them back to the park for something or other. Oh nice, they could go for hot dog number two. Lol, speaking of food, there's a huge half-eaten hamburger and fries in front of Brandi and Johnny, too. Taking a page from Kate there I see, hehe. You can tell how much more relaxed Brandi is now that she has nothing on the line. She's more like how she is on her housewife show, just sort of floating along kind of a hot mess. Apparently she really thrives when something is at stake. Not so much when all there is to do is eat the free food, get filmed doing so, and lend a hand if you can.

Leeza taps some of her previous donors and scores another big donation.

Brandi says she has never met a kinder person who never once has not given 100%. That is so lovely to hear. Leeza is exactly the sort of celebrity who benefits astronomically from a stint on this show in terms of their good will and image. People who know her know she is the greatest and they've told other people like me how cool she is, but news doesn't travel far in this case and other than that small group I don't think anyone else really had a clue who Leeza is other than that she can explain the entertainment news of the day to you in an orderly fashion. Now thanks to this show, millions know her as one of the nicest, kindest, most genuine celebrities there ever was. It has been nothing but good for her.

Conversely, Jonas brother is clearly a fool, and there is no way I would have realized that before this show or even thought much on him. I guarantee I will never be able to hear the surname Jonas again without thinking of what a doofus Kevin was on this show.

Leeza says she's not going to worry about Geraldo because her mother once told her to stay in her lane and do not look at the other horses running the race. That's wise. Bless her dear mother's wonderful heart and may she rest in peace. And that's another thing that makes Leeza great. She listens to Mom.

Jonas brother actually has a good point in that they're probably not going to beat Geraldo on fundraising any day of the week but that's okay because the task is also about the creative side, where they can smoke him. I give him credit for keeping Leeza focused on her strengths and not worry about the part of the task she's not going to beat Geraldo at. He's right, don't waste too much time on something that's a wash. Focus on where you can make the most difference and win that way.

Vivica and Lorenzo go off to scout Universal for Geraldo's team. I remember Lorenzo is a strong director so Geraldo may have more of an edge on this than I thought. This part is sort of like a mini commercial for Universal hidden within the show. It used to bother me shows did this but since this has happened for over ten years from now I think I've come to accept it. I get it, product placements are just a part of reality shows now.

Back in the war room Geraldo is trying to figure out who his entertainment will be. What, Ian who has a rolodex the size of a small country doesn't have any good rock bands up his sleeve? You mean he doesn't even know a guy who knows a guy....who knows another guy? Hehe.

That was a little shoutout to Better Call Saul, probably one of the best shows on television this spring. Even though I loved the character of Saul on Breaking Bad and appreciated the attention to detail, at the same time I felt it was one of the show's weaker points, just because it got a little hokey at times, silly, not believable. I expected his spinoff show to be like that, but thankfully it's really not. This latest episode exploring Saul's "guy" Mike's roots, and how his police career ended, almost plays out like a really good Breaking Bad fan fiction with overarching themes like fathers and sons and how far you will go to avenge a wrong against someone you loved. It's a show for fans, for sure, and it's very, very good. Dare I say they've improved on the memorable lawyer character by leaps and bounds.

Geraldo thinks he might be able to get Josh Groban, but he's not sure. And this is why Geraldo is such a bad-idea idiot, he says if they can't get Josh maybe they could sing themselves. Oh good, Lord. No, Geraldo. Just no.

Yep, Geraldo is just as creepy as I imagined dressed up like Harry Potter.

Lorenzo calls him the X factor. Yeah, pretty much.

Leeza nails down Olivia Newton John, who is ready to hop on a plane right now and come out. That's because she and Leeza are actually best friends in real life. They kind of play it like Leeza can't believe she would do this, but dollars to donuts I bet they had an arrangement Olivia would help her out on the last task if needed. It's too coincidental somebody who always has a full calendar would be so available.

Johnny and Brandi are supposed to be shopping but get bored again and decide to take a roller coaster ride, lol. I wish they cared a little bit more about focusing on helping Leeza, but they're funny just the same. This is also another mini commercial for Universal of course. Brandi is excited about how big her boobs look in the photo they took of them on the roller coaster. Yep, that's Brandi. They come back empty handed? Haha. Because Leeza is never stopped by anything going wrong, she just laughs this off and moves on. She has no time for this. That is because she is a rockstar who would never let antics like this stop her for a second.

Jonas brother, on the other hand, is quietly brooding over all this, getting more annoyed the more Brandi and Johnny goof off. What does he care? If Leeza is not mad what right does he have to be upset? It's not his project. See as I explained before, for him it's about keeping score and making sure it's "fair" and that everyone pulls their weight and petty stuff like that. You can worry about that if you like, but it's usually a waste of time and isn't going to change people who don't feel like stepping up. All it does is slow you down. What a shame he doesn't see that.

Over at Geraldo's team, Geraldo has already set up the first shot for the commercial, and it's completely different than what Lorenzo has meticulously planned out. Lorenzo can't believe he did that without him there. It's all wrong. This is where Geraldo's ego gets in the way. He doesn't really trust Lorenzo, or anyone, to do their jobs. He actually thinks it's just better if he does it. What a fool. Even Ian and Vivica can't believe the way Geraldo is ignoring all of the pre-production planning. That is super annoying, as Lorenzo and Vivica spent all day planning this all and now Geraldo is just scrapping it. They are right about this, there was no point in them going to all that trouble all day only to be ignored. If Geraldo had no intentions of using their pre-production work, he shouldn't have had them do that in the first place.

Hehe, Lorenzo does his impression of Vivica, holding up a finger and saying, "This is not somethin' that is on the shot list! Uh-emm!" Lol.

Leeza's team begins shooting their actor family, with that doofus Jonas as Mr. DeMille. Well that's one of the few bad moves I've seen Leeza make. What in the world does he know about this?

Back at Geraldo's team, they are setting up the shot where Geraldo acts as a reporter. Geraldo has given the reins back to Lorenzo fortunately, and things are running much smoother. That is until they can't find the child actors they've hired to be in the shot. Oops. Apparently the actors aren't even on site, they were sent to their war room to wait. They waste a lot of time trying to assign blame for this. That was a huge screw up. It kind of sounds like maybe it was Vivica's fault, but it also sounds like it was an overall communication breakdown. Who really knows, who really cares.

From now on I'm in charge of every shot, Geraldo announces. Oh, yeah, that will improve things, hehe.

Next time, the finale. Leeza vs. Geraldo with Doofus and the other contestants returning, Live!!!

Monday, March 2, 2015

Recap: Celebrity Apprentice Episode Six: That low-down dirty bird!

Last time on Celebrity Apprentice! The teams had a whale of a good time doing tours for Circle Line, and the announcer, you know that guy who pronounces Kate's name Goz-land, lol, is loving the maritime puns too. Who doesn't? Kenya and Geraldo were both awkward on their tours, but Geraldo was awkwarder, so Sig's team lost and Sig had to be fired.  On the second task, Kate was PM, and Vivica and Kenya couldn't stop fighting. You know how when a fight goes on so long you can't even remember what started it? That's what's happening here. I really can't remember why it is Vivica hates Kenya and Kenya hates Vivica. Or maybe we never really saw what instigated it. In any case, their feud only seems to be getting worse. This all really distracted Doofus, who for some reason couldn't just ignore it or tell them to knock it off and get back to work. In the boardroom it kind of looked like Kate might slither by again because Kenya and Vivica couldn't stop whining about how much the other one sucked and both of them forgot about their common enemy, Kate, but mercifully, Trump fired Kate after all. They don't really show this in the brief recap, but that whole scene was hysterical in the sense that Kate really believed she didn't have a chance of going home. She just kept bobbling and pointing her thumb over at Vivica and Kenya the whole time, sort of like, see what I mean? Lol. She was certain either Vivica or Kenya would go, completely oblivious to the fact that they are both infinitely smarter and stronger players than she ever was. She never once believed she was also an option. If there's one thing she's excellent at, it's creating her own fantasy of how things are and will be, and believing it full throttle.

I guess sometimes that sort of attitude works for people, like believing you can become a doctor or win an Olympic medal or an Oscar and then making it happen. But it sure is funny to watch Kate employ it in such a delusional manner and then fall flat on her face lol.

Back in the suites everyone is so distracted by Kenya! They can't stop talking about her. Kate was born lucky. Of course there is a diva and narcissist bigger than her on her season everyone is gunning for instead of Kate.  Ian admits Kenya's actually a strong player but there's too much drama with Brandi which slows things down.  It seems to me many of them think they'd be better off without her. Haha, Brandi's face says it all when she sees Kenya's still here. Lol.

I think it's inappropriate that Geraldo says he felt like he was in Afghanistan in that boardroom. I mean, a whole lot of good men and women died there. But Geraldo doesn't seem to ever understand why something he says, or does, might be inappropriate or insensitive. That's just Geraldo.

Lol, "to Kate Plus 8," they all say as they toast with their wine and champagne. I find that rather amusing in the sense that it's true, she's nothing if she's just Kate. She's Kate plus eight. Her whole identity is wrapped up in that branding.

You know I hate to say it, but even though a few people really couldn't stand Kate, like the awesome trifecta of Brandi, Vivica and Kenya, it seems like most of the rest of the players didn't really mind her, or were at least indifferent.  I think though that could be more because they didn't see her as much of a threat or competition. There were bigger fish to worry about it. Kate was superfluous in their minds, mostly harmless. She wasn't going to win a task for them of course, but she usually wasn't going to cause a bunch of problems either, with a few rare exceptions. She'd go eventually, so there was no harm in dragging her along. (But as I said in my last recap, be careful with that mindset!)

Awesome, they're in the International Center of Photography. Photography is one of my great passions. Dare I say photography right now has never been more exciting. What is so incredible about photography in 2015, and one reason I love it so much, is it's one of the few art forms where once you buy the initial equipment, it doesn't cost hardly anything to practice with it. You could shoot 1,000 photos a day and play with Photoshop and Adobe Lightroom for eight hours every day for a ten buck a month subscription, the same as Netflix. So people are getting a ton of practice in, like they never did before with film because nobody could afford to process 1,000 negatives. As a result, people are getting good. I mean, really freaking good. There are so many folks I could recommend to you, but if I had to pick just one I'd say check out Marc Adamus. He's a young guy, been shooting about ten years, and he's practiced so much between his shooting and Photoshop he's become a real magician. I just love his work.

As for me, I've been at it about two, maybe three years. I'm nowhere near Marc's level, but it's exciting to look at my work at the beginning compared to now and see my growth. Here's one of mine I'm proud of, at this lovely little beach called Hermosa last weekend.

Anyway, this is cool, they're going to create a photograph and hashtag campaign for King's Hawaiian, including shots of New York. NYC is very photogenic, so this should be all fun. I'm not really into King's breads, they're too soft for me. I know, I know, that's what she said. I actually really can't stand them, mostly because of the texture. But I know people absolutely obsessed with the bread, who won't throw a party without them. They're super popular on the West Coast, there's like half a grocery aisle devoted to their products in every store.

Johnny and Kenya will be PMs. Lol, Kenya. This should be good.

Johnny says he wants to step up to win more money for his charity. You know, I believe him, and I like him. I don't recall very many other contestants as focused on why they are really here as Johnny is. Certainly never Kate.

Lol, Brandi thinks Ian is stuck in the 80's with his stupid slogan ideas. Johnny quickly goes with Brandi's idea of "rise to the occasion." That's somewhat clever. As clever as you usually see on this show. Always smarter to go with Brandi over Ian anyhow.

Ian thinks a cool thing to do is have the Statute of Liberty clutching some bread. Oh, I thought she had gone low carb. Ian knows somebody who has a helicopter to get this done. Of course he does. He knows everybody. He knows somebody in just about every profession there ever was, and he has their cell numbers. Johnny is just sort of cracking up. I know, it's just funny. Where did he meet all these people? He sounds like an expert schmoozer. You know the type who won't leave the party without taking to every single person and getting their contact info, just in case 20 years down the line he needs a helicopter. Few others have the sort of energy for such things, but Ian is a robot so that's not an issue.

Kenya and Vivica are still talking about the boardroom from earlier. Lol. Remarkably, the girls agree to wipe the slate clean, although Vivica says she doesn't buy it. Kenya has a super risky concept that kind of grosses me out, about superimposing the buns on a model's butt cheeks. Geraldo suggests Kenya be one of the models. Eww. Kenya is like, uh, yeah, no. Lol. Kenya now wants to put a baby in the ad, who I guess is sort of hormonal or something and wants him some butt buns. Geraldo hates that idea, and he's the king of bad ideas. Right? It's weird!

Johnny and Ian take their helicopter ride to take photos of the city. Speaking for nerdy photographers, this is an awful day for photos. It's way too sunny and bright out, the sky is a boring flat blue, and they're shooting in the middle of the day when it's really contrasty, a big no-no. Most real photographers wouldn't bother to go out today, or would have tried it at sunrise or sunset. But they're under such severe time constraints they don't have a choice. Ian as usual can't believe how amazing he is to have arranged all this.

Timelapse guy, however, knows what he's doing and can go out under the best conditions for incredible shots, and he got a sweet timelapse of Central Park under big puffy cotton ball clouds that they splice in as we cut to Kenya's team. Kenya is just recruiting models right off the street. Lol, that's awkward. In the past I seem to remember Celebrity Apprentice would pull models from a local talent agency. What happened to that? Kenya doesn't seem to be mentioning to any of these people they intend to superimpose buns on their buns. You might want to bring that up before they sign on.

Kenya tells Vivica that Vivica's not fit enough to be one of the models. Haha, Kenya! She makes Vivica hold her jacket and purse. Vivica's face, hehe. F--- ety F----! is Vivica's answer to this. Ha, she's losing it.

This is the most awkward, stupidest photoshoot ever. In one of the scenes a couple walks by Kenya and the guy's head turns to look at Kenya's butt. In another there's a toddler in a stroller and Vivica sitting in front of him. It's all just so odd. And how did we go from Vivica not allowed to be in the shoot f--ety f--- to Vivica front and center? Again the quick editing is leaving out huge important chunks of information.

"Coat!" Kenya cries. Lol, Vivica runs over and covers her majesty up so she doesn't get herself all chilly. Vivica feels unappreciated, as assistants often tend to.

Over at Johnny's team, they're photoshopping the cityscape shots. They're squabbling over the hashtags, Leeza says they are not mentioning King's Hawaiian enough, both in the hashtags and on the bread in the photos. She's really fighting for this, which is a nice change from when before she's sort of looked the other way when things went wrong. It's too late in the game to let stuff like that go, she's playing this game just right. You have to fight and stand your ground at this stage or you're done. Diplomacy won't work at this hour.

Over at Team Diva, Vivica can't find her phone anywhere. She doesn't understand this, as she had just set it right down on the table and now it disappeared. Lol, I see where this one is going. Vivica is very distracted, thinking about all the contacts and personal info on her phone. I think it must be different to lose your phone as a celeb. You and all your celebrity friends could be the next big news story if the right person gets into it, which wouldn't happen if you or I lost our phones. Everyone should both lock their phone with a password and learn how you can swipe your iphone clear remotely with a computer if you ever lose it. Still, with today's smart hackers I can see how she would be worried anyway. I know what eventually happened here, Kenya stole the phone and tweeted from it. Kenya absolutely should not have done that and in fact was breaking the law in so doing it, but this whole thing could have been avoided if Vivica simply password protected her phone.

When they actually superimpose the buns on the models, it looks even stupider than some of them originally thought. Both Geraldo and Vivica think they should scrap that dumb idea. "Edgy" is putting it mildly, Geraldo.

Kenya's getting violent now, threatening to back that infamous bus over Vivica a hundred times until Vivica is crying out in agony every bone in her body broken begging her to please show her mercy.

Mercy, mercy! Then, Kenya will cremate her and add her ashes to a box of cat litter. Whoa. This feud just took a rather creepy turn. Vivica is now certain her phone was stolen. I think she would be right about that if I do say so myself!

Commercials. H&R Block is using the same "Money" song used in the Apprentice credits and their guy sort of shouts in much the same way Trump does.

Trump was upset about this. Because apparently if he pays for the rights to use a song way back in 2004, nobody else can do the same ten years later. And also nobody else is allowed to shout or they are clearly impersonating him. Last month, he told Block they suck for doing this. Leave it to Trump to be this immature. I think it's funny that this Block commercial is now running during Trump's show. Sort of a nice little F-U. Well played.

Johnny spends a long time explaining why he left the presenting to Leeza, but that needs no explanation. Why is Johnny's suitcoat 3 sizes too big? Or is that a jacket? Their project is badly photoshopped but it's rather cute, especially the one where Leeza and Brandi are sailing away on a bun balloon. I don't understand the buns on the building under construction. Buns are so light and flimsy, how would it support the structure? I'm overthinking this I'm sure.

Kenya presents, and goodness seeing it in front of the nice Hawaiian executives their concept seems even more embarrassing. One executive can hardly look at the baby one it's so awkward, hehe. Also, not really a baby. More like a toddler, which for some reason makes it seem weirder to me. Trump Jr. looks nauseous. I don't think the other team's concept was all that interesting either, but this is far worse.

Boardroom time. I hope we get to the bottom of cell phone gate soon, that's been the most interesting part of this episode so far.

I don't think Trump really was thinking about Leeza that much as a factor, but he has to admit he realizes everyone seems to think she's awesome. It's been obvious since the beginning she should make it to the end, glad to see he's caught up.

Predictably, Kenya thinks Geraldo was amazing but Vivica was just "good." Tee-hee. Kenya claims Vivica wasn't feeling well. Vivica's like, what??? No, I was fine. I gave 100%!

Rear ends are trendy on the internet-webs? I must be looking at a different internet-webs than Kenya. All I see is the great blue-black/gold-white debate on my internet-webs. (For the record, it's gold white!)

The executives liked Johnny's team and their skyline photos but felt the hashtags weren't on brand. They liked the viral characteristic of Kenya's campaign, but of course, they felt it wasn't family friendly and the baby thing was totally creepy. God, yes it was! Johnny's team wins it. It wasn't even close apparently. That's five wins in a row for that team.

Trump says Kenya really didn't help the losing team by going over there. Ouch. Vivica thinks Geraldo enabled Kenya and her bad ideas. The guy is kind of a bad idea magnet though.

Leeza and Ian are like, what were they thinking going sexy? This family company has been around for ages, if they ever wanted to sex things up they would have done so by now. Duh. What a stupid decision. Vivica thinks Kenya is toxic.

Geraldo breaks it down for Trump as if he's not completely crazy himself. Kenya's idea was crap, and Vivica didn't do much. Well, in fairness, it didn't seem like Kenya was really letting Vivica do anything. Vivica's still pissed that she was told she couldn't be a model. Lol, never poke a celeb's ego. You'll pay for it for days.  Are these two girls too dumb to realize they could team up and get Geraldo fired? I mean everybody else has said they think he's the weak link, despite all his bluster. I'm starting to think they're right.

Kenya says Vivica tweeted the other day that she's going through menopause, so maybe that had something to do with her poor performance.  Haha, Vivica freaks out, calling her a "dirty-ass bitch." That's a new one, and a good one. This is not the ghetto! Kenya insists.

That's the only place you'll be prevalent in, Vivica retorts. Oh shit. This is a knock down drag out. Don't hurt me, but a teeny, tiny part of me wishes Kate were still sitting here, just to see some good shocked and awed faces while this is all going down. It would really help round this all out. For some odd reason this doesn't seem to excite Trump Jr. too much. Rather he looks like he's struggling to stay awake.

Vivica has hit on Kenya's Achilles heel, and now just throws things out like "Ghetto Star." Lol. Both Leeza and Ian agree the menopause comment is way out of line.

Vivica says she did not tweet anything about menopause. Why isn't she mentioning that she couldn't have tweeted that because her phone has been stolen since at least yesterday? How long is it going to take these doofuses to realize that Kenya did it? It's so obvious, and it's taking forever for them to put two and two together. Kenya keeps bringing it up, made some mention of just starting to follow Vivica, and won't let it go. Wake up, she did it!

Vivica's like, wtf, I don't even tweet that often, I'm more of an Instagram girl. I know, Instagram is so much better!

By the way, how pathological do you have to be to assert that somebody tweeted something knowing full well that that person knows they never tweeted it and knows their phone was missing during that time period so it would be impossible to have tweeted that even if they wanted to? How did Kenya ever expect to pull this off?? Bizarre.

Trump says Kenya should prove it to him or be fired. But how would just showing him the tweet prove anything? Hey, this is a great example of a concept a lot of people don't understand about the court of law and proof. Having an email, or text, or tweet for that matter, unfortunately does not necessarily prove that the person it is "from" really was the person who sent it. Sometimes you can spend days in court trying to show that nobody else could have had access to that computer, or whatever, etc. It's super hard to demonstrate the sender is who it says it is, rendering such evidence useless sometimes even if common sense says they sent it.

Trump Jr. finds the tweet: "This menopause is killing me. I can't think straight. I might be a damn fool half the time. 50 just isn't sexy." (In the actual tweet, "is" is mistakenly spelled as "id")

Trump immediately cannot believe she would actually say that. Neither can the rest of America, there's just no way, even in a drunk text. I'm curious whether any of her twitter fans actually thought that was a real tweet. I'm betting many were skeptical, especially since it doesn't even sound like her.

Why does Kenya look so smug? She's gonna get caught with this, it's inevitable. If you're going to fake a tweet, at least make it credible. She insulted Vivica four times in the tweet, come on. Even Doofus would never be this dumb or do something this stupid, congratulations you even topped her. There's a line you can cross where being this nuts isn't fun anymore and becomes rather scary instead. Ian's brand of bananas is fun. Kenya's has long ago crossed the border into frightening land.

Vivica finally realizes oh wait my phone was stolen and "this low-down dirty bird" (lol, I love Vivica) must have taken it and tweeted from it!!! My God, took her long enough.

Geraldo has to back it up that yes her phone was stolen, and he realizes it too! The Trumps look like they're kind of buying this, thank God. Trump Jr. is smart in that he says he read some other tweets of Vivica's, which are indeed kind of sparse, and they're all about god bless you and positive shit like that. One of these things is not like the other, one of these things does not belong.

Kenya's all like come now, you can't be serious. Would little ole me do that??? Hehe.

Trump is totally buying this whole convoluted mess! So awesome! Trump and the Jr. are all like, well who else would do this? The tweet has grammatical errors for pity sake and doesn't really make sense. What did Kenya think, they were going to blame this on Geraldo? There's really no one else they could pin this on. She's so dumb.

Why is the other Trump Jr. not saying anything? He's totally mute this whole time. Maybe he's just popping the popcorn like I am now, drinking a soda.

Trump's all like, they lost because of you Kenya, you didn't help your team, and it's really serious if you stole her phone. Like, really serious. You're fired Kenya!

Good grief, I'm happier Kenya was fired than I was Kate was fired last week. Thank God.

Vivica cannot even look at her and literally gives her the hand and just tells her to "bounce."

Vivica, go file a police report. Seriously. You can't just steal somebody's phone. It's ridiculous and is breaking the law and psycho Kenya needs to be put in her place. What's more, she doesn't even have the phone back yet. It's still missing. Kenya still has it!

Kenya can't make eye contact as she says this accusation she stole the phone is the most ridiculous thing she ever heard. I agree, it's ridiculous in the sense that I can't believe you did that.

Haha, Geraldo's all like, oh my god, I can't believe this phone thing! That was like committing a crime! It's LIKE committing a crime? Geraldo, you're an attorney. Stealing is a crime. There is no special exception for Kenya, reality shows, or the Trump boardroom. She stole, plain and simple and Vivica should call the police, plain and simple. It was a freaking gift Vivica didn't have that nutjob arrested.

Haha, Vivica is so mad she's practically crying. Dirty trick! she exclaims. She and Geraldo are being so loud in the hallway Brandi can hear them, and immediately begins rejoicing that her nemesis is gone. Hehe!

The winners also can't believe the phone thing.

"What's next, poison?" Geraldo says. No kidding! Geez! Easily one of the worst things that's ever happened on this show. Kenya was psycho, period. Also I resent her for making Kate look like a victim. She does not deserve such a gift.

Just a few final thoughts on Kenya. It's really sad that your self-esteem is so low that your only game plan on this show is to sabotage other contestants. She did it to Brandi, she did it to Vivica, and quite frankly she even went too far with Kate, taking completely unnecessary pot shots at her. It's desperate and unoriginal. Did it ever occur to Kenya that menopause is not too far away for herself? She's forty-four, she has only five to ten years left before she's going down that road. How would she feel to be made fun of this brutally? Kenya was not a bad player. She had decent ideas and she worked hard. What is missing inside of you that you can't just rely on those strengths like Leeza or Brandi do, and forget all this drama? What a sad little woman. Goodbye, Kenya.

Next up, they're going to be making a jingle for Anheuser Busch's lime drinks. The legend Joan Rivers is back!

Trump switches Leeza over to Geraldo and Vivica's team. I'd like to think this show isn't scripted but I know that's not always true, and knowing the outcome, this already looks like a set-up to be able to get rid of a bunch of weaker players at once so we can get down to business with the finals. Leeza feels pressure to help the team win. It will be Leeza and Brandi as PMs. Aw, that stinks since they both work so well together. They have a genuine friendship, says Brandi. But they'll be mature about this competition, so that's fine and I'm sure it won't come between them.

Predictably, Geraldo has bad ideas. Leeza steers him onto more of a sports style jingle and pitches much better ideas of her own. Geraldo seems upset her idea is not Latino or about Rita. Rita? Oh, Lime-a-rita. Cute. Leeza says no, we need to focus on coming up with a jingle you can't get out of your head. Yes, exactly. I don't like jingles and I watch as few commercials as possible, I even usually mute them if I can't fast forward them, but she's right that a jingle should get stuck in your head. I remember this one jingle or song from years ago for SmartforLife, a company that looks slightly shady or gimmicky, and my God, I'm still singing that thing today. They borrowed the line "who stole a cookie from the cookie jar" from a classic children's song, but they sang it in a way that made it stick to your head like superglue.  I even sang it to my dog once like a total freak. It's just bad.

Leeza finally borrows one of Geraldo's lines about it being nice over ice, praising him profusely for it, which seems to appease him.

Ian requires absolute silence for his brilliance to flow. Lol, Brandi says they can't talk when "the Lord" is speaking, tee-hee.

I am still debating whether Ian just created this narcissistic, ego-maniac nutjob character for this show as some kind of bizarre self-marketing strategy to get people talking about him I guess, or if this is how he really is. I'm leaning more toward the former after he made a few over the top comments last week that I can't possibly believe he really feels. If it is in fact the former, it could just be one of the most brilliant things anyone has ever done on this show to draw attention to themselves. I mean, he gets more airtime every time he acts like a freak, and it gets viewers talking. About him. Otherwise he could end up kind of forgettable like Johnny, bless his heart.

After all of the Lord our father in heaven's efforts, Brandi and Johnny hate his ideas. The composer, engineer and musicians arrive. Johnny apparently is a musician and has a lot of music friends and is trying to come up with something good, but Ian butts in with another dumb idea to the tune of La Cucaracha. Brandi is really getting annoyed with Ian, to the point where she has to give him something to keep him busy to get him out of her hair. Brandi says Ian is great at everything all in his little head. Lol, he does literally have a little head when most celebs have big ones, which makes him look out of place.

As for Ian, he thinks Brandi is indecisive. He has misinterpreted Brandi trying not to piss him off as indecisiveness.

Things are really flowing at Leeza's team. Their jingle is working. Except for Geraldo. He keeps pushing his ideas, which are totally different than what the girls are working on.

Why in the world is Geraldo bringing up his war correspondent experience again? It really has nothing to do with anything this time, and just sounds like more name-dropping from him, which is getting really obnoxious. He keeps pushing his dumb ideas which even the professional musicians are explaining to him would be really difficult to make work. Leeza calls him aggressive. She's finally had it with him and has to basically tell him NO to his bad ideas.

Brandi listens to both Johnny and Ian's jingles, and really likes Johnny's. But Ian starts pouting "like a little bitch" Brandi says, hehe. It's totally true, he's being a big baby. She finally loses it on him and calls him condescending and disrespectful. He starts insulting her performance, saying the only thing she's good at is using a pen to cross things out and has brought "zero" to this. Whoa, way out of line! This isn't Kate! How come Kate wasn't really picked on like this? How does she get away with everything? Brandi has experience with cat fights and knows what she's doing. She tells him he needs to sit there and shut the F up. Hehe.

Geraldo finally seems to realize that hey, I've lost five tasks, I might as well let Leeza call the shots here and see if it goes any better than when I was running things. Fair enough. Their jingle turned out to be sort of a rap that isn't that bad, "mix it, love it, drink it up!" Vivica and Leeza are dancing like nobody's business. Hehe.

While Leeza's team seemed to have nailed things down, Brandi's team is floundering with absolutely ridiculous jingles that are more stupid and uninteresting than catchy. Johnny's jingle is a little better, sounds like something you might actually hear on a real commercial, but Ian hates it of course, shaking his head in disgust. Brandi says for sure they're going with Johnny's, it's sexy and creative. And there's nothing I-an can do about it, hehe. I think Ian is right that it's a little hard to understand the words, but that doesn't make the jingle worse than his idea.

Time for the presentations, and the choreography for Leeza's team is good, the jingle snazzy. Go, go, go Lime-a-rita or something like that. The executives including Joan and one of the Trump Jrs. seems to really enjoy this. Joan is clapping vigorously. Aw.

Brandi's team performs theirs. They aren't quite as into it as Leeza's team, and I have to admit it sounds rather wordy. The judges seem to like this one too.  Johnny, bless his heart, has always reminded me of Curious George. There, I said it. Beautiful skyline sunset timelapse, photographers.

Geraldo and Vivica say Leeza was a real asset to their team. Of course she was, she's great, always has been. I have to say it makes me feel somewhat proud that I called this one so right. I shared in the first recap that I know friends of Leeza's. And I don't mean people that once met her at a party. I mean they're so close that they even have traveled abroad with her and their respective kids. Anyway, they say she's just a gem. It is nice to see their description of her validated episode after episode.

In her final act Joan Rivers really isn't getting much of an edit. She's barely said a thing this whole episode and is mostly just sitting there sometimes looking rather out of it. Kind of disappointing, I miss her zingers.

Oh Lord, Geraldo compares himself to Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks. Gimme a break, Geraldo. These questions are starting to get boring. Who cares what Leeza thinks of Geraldo? Of course she's going to say he's great. This team is too low drama and boring, hehe. Leeza says they were in an "emotional coma" after cell phone gate. Lol.

The questions to Brandi's team are equally boring. Trump, Johnny and Brandi look orange, and Ian looks pink and purple. Uh-oh, Johnny chokes when asked to sing his jingle. Brandi says she could sing it but she's a bad singer. I totally get that, it's obvious the whole singing thing has embarrassed her from the beginning and it would me too. I absolutely hate singing for others, I'm terrible and I won't do it. Ian retorts she should step up. The hell? Trump asked Johnny to sing it, not Brandi. Ian is being a baby who says he thinks they might have lost. Whatever. Even Trump seems to think that's a bit disloyal. Haha, Trump refuses to hear Ian sing his jingle. Exactly, what the heck does that matter?

Joan says the branding and ice in the jingle was good, but it was too wordy, which is what I said, and wasn't catchy. They also found "seƱorita" was too man-based when this brand is for both genders. I would have thought this brand was for women actually. Wine coolers usually are. Where I'm from if you're a man and drink this thing all your buddies will call you a wuss. But if they say it's for both that's what they should have targeted.

As for Leeza, the executives loved "nice over ice" and "for the thirsty in your life." Geraldo's ego explodes, as he came up with both of those ideas. There weren't any negatives! Wow! They win it of course. Because Leeza is all class and refuses to hold grudges, she pats Geraldo on the chest even though he was extremely disruptive to her on this task. She understands exactly how to handle Geraldo. She handles him in much the same way Kate did, lavishing him with praise and admiration. Except Kate really meant it, and was not smart enough to realize that as smart as he may be he has consistently been a disruption. Leeza's just stroking his ego to appease him because she's savvy.

I of course love Leeza's charity for caretakers of Alzheimer's, as that has affected my family very deeply. This money will allow her charity to open in her hometown, she says as she chokes up. This is where this show is about more than satisfying guilty pleasures, it's doing something really good for a lot of fine charities.

Brandi too is all class and says you really shouldn't fire Johnny, it should be Ian or myself. That's just being truthful. Some people hang onto their ethics during these shows to their own detriment, and I have to admit I wouldn't have expected that of Brandi. It's kind of a bummer they're going down in flames not because they didn't work as hard or as smart or as fast, but because one team wrote a better song. I mean, you can be the strongest candidate in the room but you might not be able to write a jingle and would fail this task. Is Trump really concerned about the winner's ability to write a jingle? Doesn't really seem fair, but then reality T.V. is not fair!

Brandi says Ian is disrespectful, to which Ian interrupts her by laughing, proving her point.

Ugh, normally Trump's chauvinism doesn't really bother me and as a working woman I tend to believe we see less chauvinism today than we ever did before. By no means do I witness it every day or even every month. Maybe once a year, tops. We have come a long way since the Mad Men days, and women my age should be appreciative of where we are and all the women before us who paved the way for a friendly workplace. But Trump says, nah, Ian's just very confident and doesn't suffer fools. Why is it if a business woman is disrespectful, it's disrespectful? But if a business man is disrespectful, that's not disrespect, that's just confidence and not suffering fools. It makes me so mad I could spit on that little pile of pee hair.

Ian is convinced his jingle would have won, and now Trump finally says fine, fine let's hear this so called winning jingle. Ian sings it. Trump is like WTF, that's La Cucaracha! WTF were you thinking you dummie, you can't just copy a song, it's not even legal! LOL! The last thing Ian wants to do is try to get Trump on board with ripping somebody else's idea off, not after H&R Block-gate. Ian says well I never intended to rip off La Cucaracha for that jingle, it was more like a springboard to other ideas. Yes, just like Sam Smith never intended to rip off Tom Petty, of course not! Snark! Trying to explain copyright laws to Ian is like trying to explain child support laws to a sheeple. Not gonna happen.

I am not at all surprised neither Trump nor Joan understand why the heck it matters that you had some song you couldn't use but that you were going to use that to springboard it into something you could use. That makes no sense whatsoever. Ian's completely batty and they finally realized it. I just love that Trump validates Brandi about Ian and so does Brandi apparently. Of course that's the dumbest idea ever. Thank you, Trump.

Am I going crazy here? Trump asks. At some point everyone who spends significant time around somebody as nuts as Ian asks that, it's normal.

Ian is gaslighting, now trying to claim that he never said they should use his jingle, oh, no, that's not what I meant. Except that he just said that and said that many times before. Shaking my head. I really wish he would fire Ian and only Ian, he's a freak who didn't help whatsoever on this task.

Lol, Eric finally says yes, you're right, Dad. I think that's the first thing he's said in two hours. "Good son," Trump says. Tee-hee!

Ian, you're fired!

Brandi and Johnny try to leave but Trump tells them to sit down. Oh, no. He says he wants to fire somebody else. This is so unfair. Boo!

Brandi refuses to say anything bad about Johnny. She is willing to get fired refusing to throw that good man under the bus. Eric tries to help her saying what about the fact that Johnny wrote the jingle? Brandi says yes but I approved it. Johnny also won't say anything bad, says Brandi is a kind woman, they've been through so much and they'll be friends for life. Geez, I didn't know they were such good friends. I think that means a lot coming from him. I am pleased that credible people on this show really took to Brandi and count her as a real, serious good friend, as I always quite liked her. I love to be right about D list reality stars, my ego explodes like Geraldo.

Trump looks to Joan for help. Now what the hell do I do??

Joan's like hell if I know, lol. She says ultimately I guess it comes down to the PM, but this seems upsetting to her, she even says I can't deal with this. Wow. Brandi looks at Joan with respect and admiration and says she understands. Brandi, you are a class act.

Trump says Johnny is fired, and Brandi breaks into tears. Then two seconds later Trump says Brandi you are also fired. Oh no, what a tragedy.

Brandi and Johnny both seem very upset. They hug and tell each other it's all good. Aw.

How are they going to show all three of them in the car? They might kill each other.

Thankfully Ian got a separate car I guess and doesn't get to do his goodbye car scene. Haha, ignorant fool. Johnny and Brandi are in the same car together and say nice things like that they are so glad they met each other and it was great to help the charities. That's nice.

The other day I was reading Entertainment Weekly, which I get for free with my airline miles (this grifter can't beat a free deal!) and writer Dalton Ross called this show the "best bad show in the history of television." I concur. It's so bad it's good. I get sucked into the stupid drama with Vivica and Kenya or Brandi trying to manage crazy Ian. I like when Sig freaks out and almost punches his fist through a bar, or Shawn whines about her period only to have somebody bring that up in the boardroom, or Kate blows the whole thing by sitting her ass in hair and makeup all day. The tasks are quirky and fun. I love the Trumps and their weirdness, awkwardness, one-liners, slobbering, and occasional grace. I love Ivanka, Joan and George and the other eyes and ears. There is no other celebrity reality show as badly well done as this one. It's a shitshow, but it's a shitshow I want tickets to. Until next time.