Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Recap: Celebrity Apprentice Episode Five: The Sandra/Slither Effect, and Kate, you're fired!

Last time on Celebrity Apprentice, Kate stuffed her face, and it was all Vivica's fault that they lost, says Doofus. But due to some other circumstance, Shawn was fired. On the final task of the night, Kate's team put together a bizarre video starring Geraldo as Mr. Peanut and Kate as a 1950's housewife with a 1940's haircut that took all day and pretty much ruined Lorenzo's shooting schedule, and they lost to Leeza's infinitely better idea of Brandi and Kenya having a sexy cat fight. Due to some other circumstance, Lorenzo was fired.

Sig is lamenting to Kate they're really screwed now. Lorenzo was fired, and he was their strongest leader. He thinks they're up a shit creek. Kate's all nodding and giving him puppy dog eyes of sympathy. Ha, as if! We all know she's tickled pink she is still alive in this game and that somebody else, anybody but her, was fired.

Kate confronts Vivica about her calling her out in the boardroom last week, unwilling to believe that Vivica didn't blame the PM Lorenzo for their failings, as the video idea was all his. First of all I seem to remember the idea was mostly Geraldo's. You mean the same idea you fully supported, were so excited about, and then nearly sabotaged by sitting in hair and makeup so long Lorenzo didn't have time to get all the shots he needed to make it work? Really, Vivica?! Kate demands.

I like how Vivica just holds her own here and bobbles her head just like Kate. Yep, really, Kate. Really. Ha!

Kate thinks she's doing pretty good on this show. Haha, how typical of a narcissist. A narcissist will never see what everyone else sees. She has been on the losing team more often than not, and often times she played a major role in why the team failed. Time and time again she has supported ideas that crashed and burned, and time and time again she has been against ideas that were a grand success. Her PMs have chosen her to come back to every single boardroom in which her team lost except Lorenzo's, but that was because he volunteered himself. The one time she was PM she only won because Leeza and Brandi took over her duties and the other team was led by a total idiot Jonas brother too obsessed with Geraldo to focus on being a good leader. Half the contestants hate her. She mostly eats and texts and checks out a few hours into each task. She is still here only by dumb luck, because of other better contestants' circumstances completely out of her control, and possible manipulation by the producers. But in her mind she's awesome. Heh.

Geraldo is still in his Mr. Peanut costume. He's quite the eccentric.

Their task this week will be to host a guided boat tour around the harbor with a tourism boat company Circle Line.

Oh, I need to shamelessly plug The Apprentice: UK here. It's a much better more interesting version of this show, as British versions tend to be. It has like a gazillion seasons, and they're almost all on Youtube. Their version of Trump, Sir Alan Sugar, is a more sophisticated, sharp character with a compelling backstory about growing up working class in east London and selling products out of the back of his van. He is now worth 1.5 billion. Anyway, on the first season for their final task they had to do something really similar to this task only on the Thames, and it was a really fun episode. Check it out.

Crab fisherman Sig thinks his timing is perfect. He is primed to step up as project manager this week and the task is a boat ride. The kind of ironic thing about this though is his background probably will be of no help to him on this task. This task isn't really about the boat. It's not about who can captain a boat the best or who can fish the best. Of course he would win those tasks. Rather, this task is about who can throw a good party, it is irrelevant that party will be on a boat. And for that, Brandi is perfect, and sure enough, she steps up. In terms of experience with parties, she blows Sig out of the water, so to speak.

They head to their war rooms, which this time around are right on their respective boats, which are quite rocky today. Geraldo actually knows quite a bit about the company Circle Line, he could rattle off their whole history. I don't think he's exaggerating about that, and that doesn't surprise me. Although he's obnoxious and kind of crazy, I think there's no doubt he is of a higher intelligence than most. People as smart as him often spend large chunks of their lives consuming information, whether reading, watching or listening. And then they retain and file this information away. They remember it, and are able to pull it out at a drop of a hat. Somewhere along the way he read about Circle Line, maybe in the newspaper or a local magainze or whatever, and his brain filed the information away to be unearthed years later on this task. Going into this I assumed Geraldo was smart and savvy like most journalists who have made it, but I did not expect him to be this brilliant. He is a beautiful, nutty mind who wears top hats even hours after the task is over.

Sig seems to realize in short order this task actually it not up his alley at all. He doesn't know a thing about throwing parties. Uh-oh, I figured as much.

Geraldo is throwing out a host of ideas only history nerds would appreciate, like Revolutionary War or Ellis island, with actual reenactors, or 9-11. I mean, that could work for school groups, but this is supposed to be a party. Kind of hard to be comfortable throwing back drinks at a party when the theme is an overview of some of our history's bloodiest, darkest moments.

While I would like Geraldo's ideas because I'm an American history freak, Vivica and Kate are sort of giving each other "oh, helllll no" looks. Ha-ha!

Kate, or the earpiece in her ear, calmly and diplomatically explains to Geraldo that they don't need to do the history, as the boat line already covers the history. If they want to get high ratings on this task, their focus needs to be on the fun, the entertainment. She says this all quite slow as if someone were in fact saying this to her in her ear, haha. She's right, the entertainment is key. Good point, Steve. Geraldo finally agrees to drop that dumb idea, and Kate's ego explodes like a musket going off.

Brandi puts Ian on the boat version of running errands off site at various stores just so I can get you out of my hair, and makes him her accountant. Ian looks like he'd rather have a shark give him a bikini wax than be Brandi's accountant, but he has no choice but to go along with it. Most of Brandi's team likes Mardi Gras but Brandi is really unsure of that idea since it doesn't have anything to do with NYC. I think that's a fair point, but for now, she reluctantly goes along with it.

Kenya is trying, getting excited about Brandi's charity and really volunteering a lot of ideas. Brandi doesn't buy it though, she thinks Kenya would like nothing more than to take her down. That's probably true, but I think Kenya also wants to be on the winning team even if Brandi wins too. Kenya doesn't hate her so much that she will allow herself to lose to try to get Brandi fired, that's silly.

Over on Kate's team, they've settled on a Love Boat theme with a meet-and-greet thing with Sig. The Sexiest Catch, the team comes up with. That's not bad. Sig is worried this sounds too much like a porno. Lol.

The men think as long as they're going this route they should call in the Hooters girls. This is starting to sound more like Spring Break than Viking river cruise. Neither Vivica nor Kate think this is a great idea, but they sort of just let it happen. I can't stand when people on this show don't have the guts to put up a big fight about bad ideas on the task, but then save it if they need to throw someone under the bus later in the boardroom. It's a passive aggressive, cowardly way to play the game and Kate does it all the time. Kate has a good point in that the people stepping on this boat could be a bunch of married couples, and they're probably not going to appreciate a bunch of Hooters girls there. True, I wouldn't.

Geraldo also has a good point, "all in." It's true, if you're going to go sexy, go sexy. Don't limp in, pardon the pun. Whatever theme they choose they've got to be completely behind it. It's not going to work to go with a theme and then be so uncomfortable and skeptical of it they do not take it to its climax. If they're not willing to go all the way with the Hooters girls and everything, pardon the puns again, then get rid of this theme and start over. Fair enough.

At Brandi's team, Brandi and Johnny are still skeptical about Mardi Gras. Brandi decides you know what, f-it, Mardi Gras is scrapped. "Girls," she tells the team, and Ian looks up. Haha, nice touch, editors. They must have buckets of fun in their editing bays. Brandi just can't get past Mardi Gras in New York City, it makes no sense to her, and says they're changing the whole theme. It's a big risk to change their theme this late in the task, but if the theme is terrible, Brandi had to do it. A lesser project manager wouldn't have the guts to listen to their nagging gut feeling and pull the rug out like this, so kudos to her. I think Brandi is right, the Trumps likely would have been confused by Mardi Gras and it could have sunk them, so to speak.

I like Vivica, she has a sense of humor about herself. She has posed herself all sexily on the starboard side, looking out at the water as she explains in a husky voice that their furniture has been delivered and they're setting up the food. Lol, so random! I can't picture Kate being this silly and willing to let her guard down, she doesn't have the self-esteem for it.

Wow, Brandi scrapped their theme without a new one lined up? I didn't know that. Eek. They are back to brainstorming, and finally settle on Big Apple Bonanza. I don't quite know what that means. Will Little Joe be there? But I guess it sounds fun enough.

I guess Brandi thinks bonanza just means a fun party. I think she's right that their primary focus needs to be on just throwing a great party. A vague theme is better than something nonsensical. Brandi decides to "feed into" Kenya's narcissism and let her perform her song. Kenya has a song? Is it as good as this one from the Countess? It has over 7,000 thumbs downs on Youtube, lol.

You might be too old to be starring in your own music video when the next thing on your agenda for the day is to hire your kid an SAT tutor.

Poor Brandi is about to puke from being on this boat so long, ugh, that would be awful to have to work on a rocking boat all day.

It's the day of the parties, and Sig is still worried maybe the people stepping onto this boat won't like Hooters. Do they not know much about their demographic, and why didn't they ask? Kate's right, what if it's a bunch of couples? Some might be cool with it but I venture to guess most women do not want to go with their husbands to a Hooters party.

The bartenders were late so Sig ends up spending a lot of time lugging waters and ice and so on back and forth back and forth, getting angrier as the minutes pass. He finally gets so stressed he throws a hissy fit and bangs his fist on the bar. Well, that was a little scary.

Kate and Geraldo, to their credit, calmly try to bring him back down to earth and right the ship. Kate even pulls out this huge tote bag seemingly out of nowhere like she is Mary Poppins

and suggests that Sig use the big bag to transport a lot of things at once so he won't have to make so many trips. Well, she was trying to be helpful. Good for her. When Kate stays calm, feels like working, and is motivated and focused, she's not bad. She's not the best contestant here by any means, she's simply not bright enough to play in the big leagues like Leeza, Brandi, Geraldo or Vivica, but she's somewhat better than a dud like Terrel or Shawn. I think that's what makes her laziness and ineptness all the more frustrating, because she is capable of being a decent second-string team member if she applies herself. It just seems to be so hard to get her to this head space, and I don't know why that is. Maybe she's just flighty and easily bored. She can focus and work for a couple hours and she does all right, then she's off in la-la land again. That's not going to cut it.

Kate says she's worried if Sig's snapping now he could snap again at any time on this task, and where will that leave them? Sig has calmed down a bit and says wait a minute, we're supposed to be happy. Kate is doing decoupage or something or other, at least she's not stuffing her face or playing on her phone, and says you're the only one who's not happy. There is one other positive thing I will say about Kate, and that is that she never really lost it and snapped. I would not be surprised if she had. She kept it together. There were some tears, a lot of whining, and a lot of ineptness and blame shifting. But she never lost her temper like Sig has and several other contestants before him, thus far anyway. In fact she often proved to be a calming force, which means either she has really good control over her reactions to a bad situation, or is just too clueless to realize it's time to panic.

"Make me happy!" Sig tells Kate. Lol, ew. And Kate sort of just shakes her head. Heh, funny.

Because of the tight editing, we see none of the prep on Brandi's ship and cut straight to her team welcoming guests. Even though the vast majority of reality shows should be just one hour, I really, really hate the one-hour edits on this show. It doesn't work, but we've talked that to death. Shit, there's kids among Brandi's guests, some of the Trump grandkids. Does Sig's team know there could be kids along? Oops!

Brandi's cruise is a hodgepodge of boy bands, appletinis, a magician. I don't see Little Joe anywhere, but with this random mix he would fit right in. Leeza does a phenomenal job giving commentary on the various landmarks. She keeps it fun, light, and short. I didn't realize they would have to do this part too, I thought they were just supposed to be in charge of the party. Probably I'm confused because there was no time to explain that in the tight edit.

"It's like a booze cruise with knowledge," Brandi quips. Ha, that's hysterical, Brandi. You won the episode title, again.

On Kate's team, the Hooters girls are here and serving delicious bar food, and they're handing out crabs too. The edible kind, I mean. The guests here, I don't know, they look like a fair amount of computer programmers and school teachers. It's sunny but don't let a bright sunny winter day in New York fool you. It's still chilly out so most people are bundled up, and it's the middle of the day. I don't know if this sexy thing works at all. Nobody wants to be sexy when it's lunch time and 42 degrees, sunny or not.

Geraldo is going on and on about Ellis island, pontificating about oppression and Italians and Jews. Unlike Leeza, who just kept it all low key, he is like a college professor only not really actually giving you anything of substance. It was "overboard" says, Sig. He's right, everyone is bored and looks like they'd prefer to jump ship.

"Screw the terrorists, we've won!" Geraldo blurts out as he introduces the new World Trade Center. If you could visualize the hashtag awkward on real people's faces, that's what it would look like. ####AWKWARD. Everyone just sort of stands there, not sure if it's okay to drink to that, grab another crab leg, or what you do. Kate does another one of her infamous over the top "OMG!" faces. Lol.

By the way, do you know the producers hate her? They made this entire web site just for her and her notorious faces. Hehe, they be so funny.


Back to Brandi's party, everyone is dancing, drinking, I-an does a little breakdancing. Leeza gives all the credit to this success to Brandi, because Leeza is classy and gives credit where credit is due. Kenya performs her "song." Wait, but she's not singing. She's talking like Professor Higgins "talked" all his songs in My Fair Lady. Lol, just like the Countess "talked" her song too! What's with the Housewives and talking out a song?

Right in the middle of it Brandi walks right through the stage area with a tray of drinks. She waves, lol, that's funny, she knows darn well what she's doing. I'm embarrassed for Kenya, but with enough booze in them by now some of the crowd seems to mildly enjoy it. Except one of the Trump grandkids, who looks about five and seems both confused and horrified as Kenya at one point is sort of grinding on the floor, lol. Brandi tries to distract from this misstep and gets a conga line going, which is usually a go-to party saver. I don't know if anyone watched the Grammys, but it's always a good show and Beyonce was there of course, and I think Kenya is pulling a Single White Female on her, adopting her hairstyle, dress, career and even mannerisms. Rather creepy.

Geraldo is doing some sort of odd Q and A with the Hooters girls. Who cares, nobody goes to Hooters to actually get to know them, if you want to get to know a woman you don't buy chicken wings from her. Even Kate thinks it's time to take the microphone. Sig wanted to say a few things himself but Geraldo is too much of a force to interrupt. The thing about these sort of booze cruises too is that you really shouldn't be talking the entire time or it starts to feel like a lecture. You have to take breaks and give people time to eat, drink and talk among themselves. In the edit I've seen it's been a nearly constant droning on throughout the cruise and it's getting annoying. I think Geraldo thinks if he's not talking he's not helping anything, and that's just not the case. Sig says at the end of the day he really thinks Geraldo is great so who is he to say anything.

Sig arranged for the Coast Guard to show up and drive by, which was a really nice touch especially since that's his charity.  The guests love it. Like almost all the other celebs here except Kate, Sig talks about his charity, the Coast Guard, with passion and sincerity. He tears up as he says he has friends whom the coast guard has saved. Has Kate actually ever visited her charity yet or is that still on her to do list?

Sig thinks they knocked it out of the park. Or ocean, Captain! If people give them bad reviews on their feedback cards fine, says Sig, I have their addresses and I can go punch their teeth out. Oh, my, why do I feel like he's only half kidding? Lol.

Blue-hour timelapses, which must mean it's boardroom time, and my assessment is pretty straightforward. It's obvious Kate's team lost, but Sig really should be fired. Their theme was uncomfortable and missed the mark, and not only was Geraldo's commentary awkward and far too long, but Sig didn't stop him even when everyone knew it was getting bad. Kate and Vivica are responsible for not being more assertive about changing their bad theme, but at the end of the day the blame rests on the PM. Both the women worked and did what they were told, and Kate even tried to help calm Sig down. The only black mark Brandi's team had was Kenya's stupid talking-song, but that's not enough to sink them. And, Brandi saved that anyway with her conga line, so they won it. Once again, due to some other circumstance, Kate won't be fired.

Sig says he thinks they won. After all they brought in the Hooters girls. Were they beautiful or "just okay?" Trump asks, genuinely curious. Baw-haha! Well, there's no question he's a man. That is such a man thing to ask. As a side note, Kate looks particularly old today. Could be the makeup or the lighting. I would honestly guess she is at least 47, not a young woman still in her 30's. Tanning, surgeries and other behaviors will do that.

Kate's reservation about the Hooters girls was the demographic. Again, why didn't they know what their demographic was in the first place before deciding on the theme? Isn't that critical to deciding what to do? Heck, what if it were a bunch of kindergartners, then Brandi's theme doesn't make sense either. I don't understand why nobody seemed to know a thing about their guests. That's the first thing you should find out.

Geraldo uses big words like sophomoric, words some of the other celebs don't understand, when he says he and Sig work well together. He talks like this not because he's trying to impress like Kate would, but because that's just how he talks.

Johnny and Leeza were Brandi's best players? I get Leeza, but Johnny? I don't know if Johnny is boring or what but we barely ever see him on these tasks.

The guests liked Brandi's festive party, and especially liked Leeza commentary. The theme confused them. I know, me too, I kept looking for Little Joe myself. Kenya was polarizing, a lot of them, I'm guessing the sober ones, said her song/dance wasn't classy. Ha-ha, Vivica looks so smug about that. She totally purses her lips in an "I told you so" face. I forgot if she hates Kenya, what happened in the past on these silly reality shows sometimes sticks to my brain for no more than a couple weeks. I can more or less keep track of who hates Kate, but the other drama going on escapes me. Though I think Vivica doesn't like Kenya, if I recall.

As for Sig's team they loved Vivica, they liked the food and the atmosphere actually. But people couldn't stand Geraldo's blathering. Trump interrupts to say he simply cannot believe this. Lol, he really loves Geraldo for some odd reason. Females thought this was geared toward the men and they got left out. Good point.

The guests gave an overwhelming win to Brandi, which was obvious. Yikes, I hope nobody loses their teeth over this, especially not any of those nice school teachers aboard. Brandi is a mature winner who calmly says that's great, she's happy, and she will be giving her money to Make A Wish. She says she feels bad for the Coast Guard though and wishes they could get some of the spoils. Trump gives them twenty-five grand. All class, Brandi. All...class. Brandi has her issues and has a lot of conflict with other women on her Real Housewife show, but I am wholly convinced she is a bright, gracious, good woman who has unresolved issues she simply needs more therapy for. She is deep down not a bad person like, say, Doofus is.

There's only six minutes left in this episode, sounds like this will be a quick and dirty firing.

Kate of course says she and her boyfriend Geraldo shouldn't be fired. She very, very reluctantly admits Vivica shouldn't be fired. Steve is right in the strategy he told her, always blame the PM. It's tried and true, and statistics show they are always more likely to be fired. Of course they won't always be fired, but you have to play the percentages. Don't be stupid and go after people you can't stand like Vivica even though every bone in your grudge-filled body wants to. It's far too risky for somebody as dumb as Doofus here to try to go after somebody less obvious. So she's right, it has to be Sig.

Geraldo has a hard time blaming anyone because he likes these people. I believe that. None of these people give him a hard time, they allow him to be his crazy self and even encourage it, and he thrives in that environment. Trump asks Geraldo if he honestly is going to be friends with any of these people after the show, then Trump kind of waves his hand with a laugh and is like get real, we're too busy to maintain friendships like this, it's on to the next thing for us! Lol. From what I've heard and witnessed that's very, very true. Unless a celeb truly forms an untenable blood brother bond with someone on the set, it's unlikely they will have the time or energy to send out more than a text message or two post project. Sometimes such an existence seems rather lonely to me, since I value true friendships made in an employment capacity just as much as any other, and if I'm going to really bond with someone I'm not going to do it without the intent of maintaining what we built post-project. The fact that Leeza showed up to a party of Brandi's in L.A. months later speaks volumes about just how close those two women became, since I really don't think that's all that common in a world in which a celeb might end up working with thousands of people on hundreds of projects before your work is done on this earth.

I don't know if Geraldo's wife would be okay with a post-show friendship, Kate says. Lol, what? Oh, doofus, you flatter yourself. Trump accuses her of having a dirty mind, hehe. No, just an inflated ego. Even Trump Jr. is laughing saying Dad you were the one going there! I like the Trumps, I think there are times like this they are just a normal family.

Vivica too admits that the fault is with Sig. Leeza is smart and says once they are down to three people Trump is going to switch up the teams again, she sees it coming. They all seem to think that sucks, since everyone on Brandi's team works so well together. They've won three in a row after all.

I think some of the nautical puns are unintentional, but they're funny, as Trump says they're all in the same boat. Lol. There are an incredible amount of nautical puns out there I've realized in just writing this re-cap. I needed at least one recap where I could giggle like a schoolgirl over something stupid the whole time like nautical puns, it's that kind of day.

Sig throws out the only defense he can, that if the ladies had a problem with any of this they certainly didn't speak up, at least not very loudly. Very true, and I find that to be shitty. It's not going to get him off the hook (nautical pun!), but it's what he should point out if he has any respect for himself.

Trump wants to know if it's true they just let this bad idea happen and didn't say anything. Kate says, well, we at least made a face over the Hooters girls, so. Lol. Kate is blathering on, I think she's trying to get to the fact that in light of all the other bad ideas that they spent the whole time shooting down (oh yeah, I forgot about the 9-11 reenactors), this idea wasn't as bad as any of those and at least we got rid of the really bad ideas. Well, you still traded one bad idea for another. Trump has no patience to give her time to get to her point and cuts her off, lol. I don't think Trump has ever once allowed Kate to get to her point, he really can't stand a blatherer. Also I think Trump knows there's no way he could pin this on one person not speaking up enough about a bad idea (even though she's done it a dozen times before) when none of them spoke up, and he especially can't fire that person or persons over the people championing the idea. That wouldn't really be fair, though it kills me to say it. If he were going to do that he would have to fire the whole team, that's the only way it's fair. Trump quickly gets to the point. He really likes Sig but let's face it, he's fired.

Everyone seems very sad to see Sig go. Vivica looks tearful. Kate the sociopath realizes everyone else is sad so she acts sad too. Geraldo said he's going to give Sig's charity $40,000. Sig seems more embarrassed than grateful about it. That's nice of Geraldo I guess, though it's treading a little bit into making this all about Geraldo, and one-ups Trump. Maybe he should do that quietly, after the show, and I'd believe it.

The Trumps seem to really respect Sig and his charity and look disappointed to see him go, too.

Sig doesn't look like he's going to knock anyone's teeth out, he says the experience was humbling and that the gamble he took didn't work out. Overall, he seems like a good guy who works hard but has a few anger management issues.

The other team still can't believe the sucky team has lost three times. What's the common denominator there? Ian asks.

Raising my hand! I know, I know. Pick me, I-an! Kate!

No, Geraldo, they say. Geraldo??? I mean, I suppose, but, but, what about his minion Doofus?

Ian and Johnny still have a lot of pent up aggression toward Geraldo. I swear they sound just like us talking about Kate, only they're talking about Geraldo. Leeza is just amazed he is still here, he is like teflon. He sucks at everything, but she attributes his staying power to strategy.

And the stars align for Kate again. Here's the thing, she's terrible at this game. She's not creative, she can be lazy, she's no leader, and is constantly on the losing team. Of everyone left she is without a shadow of a doubt the worst player. But Geraldo is more front and center, vocal, smarter, bigger, has more donors, and has amassed more enemies. Thus Kate and her ineptness have flown under the radar. Most of the folks who used to pick on Kate like Brandi and Kenya don't really care anymore because they're not on her team (and thus, it's actually a good thing she stay around and screw up tasks as long as she's on the other team) and they know she's expendable, you know, whenever. People lost interest in getting rid of Kate, and she's stayed as a result.

Also, Geraldo is a bigger threat to these stronger players, so they're all focused on him right now. You have to be careful with that. On similar reality shows like Survivor, a mediocre, seemingly expendable whenever you need to contestant, can slither through and win, because there was always somebody else that really needed to go first. Sandra is a prime example, for Survivor fans. In 2003 a secretary named Sandra played season seven of Survivor. For six seasons, the six previous winners had always played very strategic, smart games, which is how they won. But Sandra was different than those other people. She was not particularly talented, bright or special or any kind of stand out, and she was about as athletic and socially adept as a slug, but there was always somebody else to vote off.

Other contestants were dumbfounded that somebody with no social game, strategy, and no physical ability won. What can I say, they kept her on the back burner way too long and have nobody but themselves to blame. Then suddenly the end arrived and they forgot to vote Sandra out! #Dolts. Dumb luck worked out for Sandra, as well as other contestants both underestimating her and saving the non-threat for later until later turned out to be the winner's circle. She won her season without a single vote ever cast against her, and then she came back and played another season and won that too. Kate made it much further than she should due to this very same phenomenon, I'll call it the Sandra Effect. Or, the Slither Effect. She is this show's Sandra. Moral of the story, don't get distracted by that loud-talking Geraldo over there for the love of all humanity, Leeza. Bottom line, Kate is long past due, well-done, goose is cooked. She needs to go and stat or they're going to have a big problem on their hands in that this doofus might actually be a finalist in this thing. Get it together, people! I like some well done reality shows for the reasons above, talking through strategies and analyzing why and how people are where they are is fun. It's a guilty pleasure.

Kate doesn't know why on earth they keep losing. Of course she doesn't, she's a narcissist. Something has got to change! she insists. After awhile this gets so predictable; I know with that kind of ego, she imagines herself the white knight who saves her team from sure destruction by stepping up as PM on the next task. Knowing the outcome ahead of time, my stomach hurts from laughing already. So let's do it!

Did Kate get a haircut in the 20 seconds it took to get these people up on some windy roof to hear about their next task? Her hair is like four inches shorter and stick straight.  Trump looks about the same shade as a tangerine at the moment, his hair about halfway to the color of straw into gold. He announces that the gale force winds prove he does not wear a wig, lol. As predicted, he switches up the teams, with Kenya going over to Kate's team. Hallelujah amen! Brandi and I shout at the same time.

They are going to make a "themed environment" whatever that is, about Trump's golf thing he has down in Miami. As you can tell, I really don't care about or understand golf. And, just as predicted, Kate the knight has stepped up to "save" her team, volunteering as PM again. She is even wearing white. She's nuts, this is a death sentence before it even started. She's already been PM before, she's checked that box. Her strategy now needs to be to avoid PM at all costs no matter what until the finals. The Sandra Effect does not work if Sandra volunteers herself to be voted off. Doofus.

Ian is going to be PM for the other team. Oh, Kate's toast.

"I'm free! Free of the monster" Kenya exclaims as she heads into the war room. Heh, that's mean but kinda funny at the same time in how over the top it is. Brand-ya or Ken-di, can't decide which one I like better to call the two of them, but they're both so immature about this.

Oh, Geraldo has been golfing there. Well, hell, he should have been PM then. Does anyone else on this team even play golf much less have been to this course in Miami? We know Kate doesn't, remember Hank having to teach her on Wife Swap? She should have pushed this off on Geraldo, said I know you've done your share as PM but nobody here knows and understands golf and golfers like you do. Flatter him, then pass the buck.

Ha-ha. Sasquatch wants to do a Sasquatch theme, that couldn't be more fitting. Kenya's all like, Kate doesn't really understand what luxury really is. Yes! Kate's a poser who thinks eating sushi and fluttering off to NYC on the weekends racking up $300 room service bills makes her just like a Dupont, minus that murder thing. Even though I don't like Kenya, I find it incredible refreshing and validating to see somebody who sees through Kate in exactly the same way the rest of us have. I guess because a lot of the sheeple keep saying we don't really "know" Kate so we can't make that judgment, and yet here is someone who does know Kate, did spend a lot of time with her in person and worked with her, and she's saying the same thing. Now what's their excuse?

Kate sends Kenya and Vivica off shopping for props. Oh, no, don't send your strongest player (Vivica) off to do that! Kenya knows what being sent off to do props means for her standing, and really doesn't want to go, but Kate makes her. Kate makes a good point I have to give her, such that if Kenya didn't want to go shopping Kenya could have volunteered for PM and called the shots herself. Hey, you get that one, Schmoops. What else ya got up there in that hallow head?

It's Braveheart redux as Ian goes into his passion for his obscure charity again. You know the one for skin diseases he feels a connection to because he loves slathering on lotion and feeling supple and feels for those who don't. I think people who talk about themselves in the third person are usually crazy. He feels if he can pull this off I-an will be one seat closer to God. He actually says this. Come on, he's not serious. Or is he? His eye twitches, which I think means he's just shitting around. I think. Oh well, whether this is real or fake he's so wonderfully nuts either way.

I'm not quite sure where Ian's team is going with all their ideas but Ian says something hysterical in that if he is going to throw someone under the bus it shouldn't be a surprise to them because hey, they got the bus schedule! Ha.

I-an is so deeply impressed by how creative he is. His gifts are so incredible he humbles himself. What luck that Kate gets herself on a season so inundated with narcissists just as big or bigger than her that she looks about as harmless as a Cabbage Patch doll. Of course.

Ian talks about getting a hole to stick a pole in, and Brandi being Brandi just can't help herself and bursts into giggles. Even Leeza starts cracking up. Leeza does what any good girlfriend would do to keep her friend in line and tells her to "stop it!" while pushing her away, then she just cracks up some more. Those two are endearing without ever even trying to be. They look like sisters.

Johnny and Brandi go off to shop but because they're not insecure they don't see it as a slam on them or their talents and happily do what is asked of them. Johnny all but promised he would track down Tiger Woods's trainer to come to the event, but now realizes he got in way over his head when the guy won't return his calls. Rookie mistake, don't say you'll do something big like that until you know you can deliver. And also as a side note, this is a perfect case in point that just because you are a celeb doesn't mean you get your calls returned. It doesn't always work like that. Real life is not the movies.

Kenya is still butt hurt that Kate sent her off to shop. Gosh, I hate to say it but there are only a few players left and somebody had to shop, and the shopping on this trip is actually way more important than it's been to many other tasks, since this task seems very much about the space and experience they are putting together. More important than making sure there were flowers on the table and cutting boards shaped like hearts at their frozen food challenge some time back anyhow; that didn't really matter. Kenya is still stuck on Kate not really understanding luxury, and that Kate needs her expertise with how to build sets. Luxury, eh? That sounds silly coming from someone wearing some of the tackiest giant earrings I've ever seen. I was prepared to scoff at Kenya claiming to be some expert about sets too, but then I checked her IMDB and realized she's done a whole host of guest appearances on various sitcoms, which almost always build their sets from scratch and rarely film on location where you make something preexisting your set, more like how Kate's show is. I doubt Kenya ever pounded a single nail into a set in her life but at least she's been around those who do. She's more qualified than Kate anyway. Maybe it was a bad idea to send her off like this after all.

Vivica says she's keeping an eye on Kenya because Kenya is a back stabber.

Ian really does have friends in all kinds of places. He has one friend making their logo for them with flowers, another friend doing some sort of rendition of Trump's face for the display that looks like a Wall Street Journal sketch. If you asked him for a friend who makes Raisin Nut bran and could deliver a whole truckload of it to the event he'd have that too. Leeza said everything really fell into place for them and it was nice to get rid of Kenya. Next to Kate, it's obvious Kenya is the most disruptive player left, even Leeza has to admit she's terrible.

Back in the studio Kate is trying to make decisions with the fabricator and Kenya is bombarding her with texts, mostly with complaints about Vivica. Lol, that's funny. Kate blames Kenya for this interruption. Or she could just put her phone down and ignore it. She doesn't have to swipe it up every time it pings like she's Pavlov's dog. Lol, Kenya is so busy arguing with Vivica about how she didn't wanna stop at Bed Bath and Beyond or Babies R Us or something that she is ignoring Kate on the other line demanding to know what time they're expected to be back.

"It was a five minute stop," Vivica says in her defense, basically shaking her head and looking away. Well if I had any confusion about how Vivica feels about Kenya it's gone.

Haha, Kate's still on the other end wanting to know what the heck is going on. This is too much.

It's the day of the event and they've gone to Trump's local golf course. Does anyone know where my pants are? Geraldo asks as people are spreading rose petals around and such. What? Random. Kenya's just like well if you're behind the bar no one will know. Lol.

Kate's display shows a wedding table, a spa, a guest room and a putting green all sort of in the same room. There's also a Sasquatch kids club off to the side with a couple colorful chairs. It kind of looks like the model you see at a luxury apartment. It's not bad looking, but it's not very interesting either.

Kate thinks it's better than expected but not perfect due to the girl drama the day before. That's her fault though. She did not have to spend more than 10 seconds shutting down that drama. Instead she let it go on all day and wasted valuable time trying to mediate. Stupid.

Johnny never did come through with his golfer but just like Ian knows the butcher, the baker and the Raisin Nut Bran maker, he also knows a golf expert who shows up to help people with their swings. Ian's setup is already infinitely better than Kate's, with a massage area, the golfer using some kind of computer to analyze your swing, and a big poster sized picture book to look at various scenes from the real thing in Florida. This competition is over before it begins.

Their flower sign is buried behind some plant somewhere so Brandi decides to move it out front and center. They play the "dopety-doh" music to let us know Ian is a nut as he comes over and looks like he's going to pop a blood vessel over her touching his flower sign. Brandi quickly gives up on this one, not worth it.

Why is Kate dressed like a sexy Interpol agent? Bizarre getup. The girls are doing a decent job telling the guests who arrive about the various amenities while Geraldo serves them up drinks that look like blue Scope mouthwash. Yum. Geraldo sees his role as "lubricating" everything else. Ewww, pick another verb please.

Kate turns on her sexy kitten persona when the Trump boys arrive with some COO. They like the Sasquatch who encourages kids to play golf, hehe. Kenya thinks their set looks like crap. Seeing more of it up close now, it does look pretty rinky dink. She is convinced she could have pulled this together but for Kate sending her shopping. She's still going on about the shopping. Good grief. Kate claims that she ended up doing all this pretty much by herself last night. Heh, I'll believe that one when I see footage of that. Notice how she doesn't claim to have done this all herself within earshot of any of the other contestants. She doesn't have the balls for that. The Trumps are just asking how it was going and she's already acting like it's the boardroom and blaming Vivica and Kenya for everything. Again, not in earshot of them of course. All this in front of the COO? Rather immature. You haven't even lost yet, Doofus!

Over at Ian's classier setup, Johnny is giving massages that look simply delicious, uhhhh. Ian is a little shaky on the details of the resort when he's explaining things to the Trumps, which is embarrassing. Brandi is shocked he flubbed that, and comes in to save the day answering their questions correctly. She says she stayed up the whole night studying. Wow, good for her. Now that I believe, and it's a perfect example of the kind of over-the-top hustle required to make it in this business. It's a good thing Brandi was there to fill in the gaps what with Ian so busy praising his magical powers and wonderfulness.

Boardroom time. I like Brandi's t-dyed looking dress thing. Kate finally got the memo she should say she thinks they won. So she's learning.

Trump seems confused about Kate's Sasquatch theme. He doesn't seem to get it. As others have pointed out so well, it seems like Kate's tactic is talking slow and pausing a lot to gauge other's reactions, then shifting course and trying something new if she judges the reactions aren't good. It's so true. Kate is just so sweet and calm and just did such a wonderful job on this task, Kenya says. Kate who? Middleton? Lol, we all know from Kenya's interviews she hates our American Kate and thinks she fucked this whole task up, so her over the top facetiousness now is amusing.

Despite Kenya being so nice Kate immediately throws her under the bus for her drama. Lol, what a bitch. Vivica and Kenya are still squawking about going to the children's store or whatever. They're really pissed at each other. Kate's sitting there still as a statue. The look on her face says I'm afraid to so much as sneeze and mess this all up, I can't believe my wonderful good fortune that these two are so caught up in each other they're not blaming me. Kate, don't forget to breathe over there! You have eight kids who need you!

Why does no one ever understand what Trump is asking when he wants to know what they think? They're always like, uh, of what, Mr. Trump? Of course he's asking what they think of their team, how the task went, and so on. Anyway, Ian flubs the name as he explains their concept. Oy vey.

Brandi says things went great, a dark cloud has been lifted from their team. Ha, she really can't help herself. Kenya says that was a low blow. Oh, well, Kenya, you get what you put out, and even the Trumps thought Kenya's comment last week about Brandi's husband cheating on her was vicious. This feud may never end. Trump doesn't seem to have a problem with Brandi's comment and in fact tells her he's proud of her. Aw.

The other team members have a hard time explaining how crazy Ian is without sounding mean. Finally Leeza says look, the guy is "intense." Ha, that's a nice way of putting it.

Ian said he would have to fire Johnny because he didn't come through for him. He had no choice but to say that.

It wasn't even close, the Trumps liked Ian's team the best for all the reasons described before. They did like the Sasquatch thing though, which was all Geraldo's idea.

What's your charity again? Trump asks Ian. Lol, it's okay, nobody knows. It sounds fake to me at times. I wonder if you could get away with catfishing through a fake charity on this show. It would be interesting to try and Ian would be just crazy enough to do it.

Kate's flabbergasted. Narcissists usually are shocked to lose, so that's no surprise. How, how did they lose?? But we had a blue and gold bathtub, Mr. Trump, for goodness sake. With rose petals! We had Sasquatch!

Trump said look your setup was rinky dink. Come on, where was the luxury? Kate quickly blames the girls for the props thing. I love this, Trump is demanding to know if she is saying they spent too much time shopping. She's reluctant, and that's because she is often shopping herself and taking too much time. What a terrible, and funny, predicament poor Doofus is in now! Her only card to play is the girls messed this up by shopping too long, but to do that she has to explain away how she didn't do the exact same thing in the past. Perfect karma. Kate has no choice but to say Vivica is the better player of the two, even though she can't stand either of them. That's the correct thing to say, although if she were a strategist, now might be the time to play a hail Mary and go after a stronger player in Vivica. Not like she has much to lose right now. If she somehow finds a way out of this and Kenya is gone, Kate's absolutely done for on the next task. If she can manage to keep Kenya around though, it might buy her another week. Not that she is even thinking this far ahead, that would be too much for her. She is shooting herself in the foot by rubber stamping all the best players. It's clear now she has no long term strategy, not a very good one anyway. She's been playing week to week like a silly little amateur.

Vivica and Kenya are still going after each other, and Kate's back to not breathing again, not even blinking, for fear of messing this up. Lol.

"Girl drama," Kate finally blurts in the middle of it, pointing in their direction. What the hell? Doofus, shut up. You actually have a teeny, tiny little chance here if this plays out just right. Don't mess it up by talking.

Lol, back in the suite Leeza and Brandi are all head bobbing feeling so validated that other people have noticed what a pain Kenya is.

"This noise gets in the way of work," Kate says, her best comment of the whole season.

"This noise gets in the way of work! Thank you, Kate!" Leeza exclaims. Lol. Well, it is nice to feel validated.

"Perfect," Brandi agrees.

Relish it Kate. This will probably be the first and only time something you said was perfect.

Kate says it was disruptive to be treated like Judge Judy all day by Kenya. Isn't anyone going to ask her why she didn't shut it down then? Why didn't she just tell them to knock it off and get back to shopping? By this point I think Kate really believes that she's got this in the bag with getting Kenya fired. Haha, dolt.

Kenya is like I'm pleasant, easy to work with, I haven't offended anyone. Haha, Vivica's just like, yeah, no. I know the outcome of this, but the way Kenya is talking I think Trump could have gotten away with firing her instead and Doofus would have lived yet another week. The Sandra/Slither Effect again! Unbelievable. Kenya's just being ridiculous now, saying Kate was responsible for all the creative side and continuing to take pot shots at Vivica. That's not true, everyone was involved in the creative. Geraldo came up with the whole Sasquatch idea for heaven sake. Even one of the Trump boys was like, well that's not really true, and Kate beams with relief. Kenya if you don't shut up Kate isn't going to be fired and then I'm really not going to like you, lol.

Geraldo's barely said a thing the whole time until finally chiming in to ask for hazard pay. Hehe! Kate's smiling like a goon now, fully convinced she's not getting fired. Oh, I love it.

Trump is being a man again and wants to know if Vivica thinks Kenya is attractive or also beautiful, whatever the hell that means. Just one of those questions men ask that a woman probably never would care about. Kenya gets some jab in about plastic surgery and Vivica's so pissed now all she can do is wag her finger at her and order her not to go there. Lol. As much as this girl fight is getting old, Vivica sure knows how to hold her own.

Geraldo said it was challenging but Kate did a good job. Trump is stuck on the fact that it wasn't luxurious, which is a clue that he is still very seriously considering firing Kate, whom he seems to think is responsible for that part of it. Doofus here of course doesn't realize that, she thinks she's home free. Haha, #dolt.

Kenya goes on about how Kate doesn't have enough world experience to understand what luxury is. You know I don't like Kate either, obviously, but Kenya is a grade A bitch. She makes Kate sound like a white trash simpleton poser. Hey, maybe Kate is all of that, but I don't think it's necessary to kick trail dust straight into her mouth while she's lying there on mile 899 of the PCT struggling for her last breath. Come on, be professional. Kenya can see to it Kate is fired without being cruel about it. Leeza or Brandi would have.

In a way the drama with the other girls worked against Kate. Trump notes how Kate had a difficult team and Kate found that tough. He doesn't exactly outright say she couldn't handle them, but that seems to be what he's implying. He also says as PM this is really on you. Kate can't argue with that, since that's been her defense this whole season. Kate, you're fired.

Part of me is whooping and breathing a sigh of relief he didn't get so distracted by Kenya's crap that he fired her instead. Another part of me isn't a big fan of how this went down, with Kenya being so incredibly nasty and vicious about it. Kate has an uncanny knack for playing victim and getting a pass for it, and Kenya played right into that. It's not a good thing.

Kate of course can't believe this is how it went down. Lol. Didn't see that coming, she says to Geraldo. Haha, I know, that's what was so entertaining about it. She hugs Geraldo and Vivica. I swear Geraldo calls her "baby." He played right into her father figure thing and frankly, she was his pawn whether he meant it callously or not. A stepping stone to him. Trump was right what he said earlier, Geraldo's not seriously going to be friends with anybody after, that's not the business he is in. And sure enough we haven't seen a single shred of evidence Geraldo has reached out to maintain this so-called "friendship." Kate at this moment is just too stupid to see it. Kenya has already run off somewhere like the troll that she is.

Kate goes down the fake elevator in a blue dress and straight hair and emerges in a pink jacket and Brazilian blowout. Lol, cool, just like the horse in the The Wizard of Oz. Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho!

How fitting, where's her flying monkey? Kate's crying and blaming Vivica and Kenya for all this. I don't remember a contestant ever crying about getting fired before, and I've seen every season of this show. What a baby. It doesn't add up, she laments. Nothing contrary to the plan they had in mind adds up to a narcissist. Buh-bye!

Monday, February 16, 2015

Celebrity Apprentice Episode 8 Live Finale: Discussion Thread

TV personalities Leeza Gibbons and Geraldo Rivera are the last apprentices standing as Donald Trump prepares to preside over one more boardroom session, this time on live television.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Recap: Kate Plus 8 "Rocking the Boat": Wrong, everyone has a soul. Yeah, science!

Last time on Kate Plus 8, Kate and the kids have never been to New England before, except when they've been before. Mady ate a lobster because Kate had a deprived childhood. Maine-ly, Kate was a hobbling harridan strapped into a corset, and she put on a shoe so stiff a dog could break its teeth on it. And, that's what she said! Coming up, rowing and fishing and Kate plays hide the bunny with the children's pet lobsters.

They've been "oowwn" their family vacation at the beach house, says the doofus from southern PA who is too darn lazy to try to sound less regional.

They have a boat ride arranged, and mercifully, Kate gives the children anti-sea sick wrist bands. Aw, poor kids. Thank goodness somebody is finally giving them a remedy for it instead of just letting it happen because it makes better T.V.

Mady first embarrasses Joel by telling the cameras all he has to do is step foot onto a plane and he's nauseous, then when he protests, tells Joel to shut up and shoves him in the face. The poor kid just takes it. As I said in the last recap, the amount of pushing, shoving, hitting and smacking going on here, quite frankly namely from the girls, is astounding. I've never seen anything like this from ten and fourteen year olds. Kate is not upset about the shove Mady just gave the kid in the face, but is upset she told him to shut up. Well, she's halfway there which is how she does just about everything, half-baked.

Ha, Hannah's right, Kate does say "mainly" a lot, which explains why none of the kids knew she was giving them hints about Maine. Lol. "Mainly," says Doofus, Cara was "hesitant" about the boat ride.

Can everyone just be quiet for a sec so I can pretend I'm alone? Kate demands.

"No!" some of the kids retort and they just talk louder. Lol. Her number. They have it.

They've arranged to have lunch on a little island called Indian Island, which greatly excites the three teenagers. Mady explains they read a book for school called And Then There Were None about an Indian Island. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a child get excited about seeing in person the things they have read or learned about. Of course this is not the real location of the book, which takes place in England, but that's no matter. I'm just happy to see kids realizing learning can be really cool. I don't read much mystery and haven't read this one, but it's pretty famous. It's an Agatha Christie novel, and apparently considered her magnum opus. Hm, I may have to add this one to the list. My library has it, and how amazing is it that a book published 80 years ago has a hold list of ten people still? Wow, what a legacy, Ms. Christie. Cara thinks this book took place in Maine. That's simply not true, it clearly takes place in the UK, but I don't know that that matters much. I suppose I'm just a bit disappointed that comment of hers was left in, because it makes her look a little silly, or perhaps not really paying attention to what she read after all.

They can't actually dock at the island, they have to be shuttled over there in small groups on the teeniest little dingy boat. I really resent when I have to agree with Kate, but I don't know why the captain didn't tell her this was going to happen, unless she wasn't listening, which is entirely possible. I think most mothers would not want to be separated from their children like this while they wait on the larger boat. Me being me I would be having Natalie Wood nightmares and all that, this is not a comfortable situation for someone as paranoid as myself.

Of course this sends her into mini crisis mode/pouting/whining instead of just trying to roll with it since there's nothing they can do about it. Most of the kids do fine with it, only a few seem uncomfortable but they survive. Kate grew up on a boat in Canada??? There's a 180 degree change in the narrative from her childhood. With her grandparents, eh? Well, sounds like she had a good time with them, that's ironic. Were they the ones to not allow her to have lobster or was that some other adult meanie? Too bad, and the one thing all our resident Canucks here on the blog had going for them is that Kate belongs to us, not them. Ha-ha, she's all yours now, girls. Her and Bieber.

Even once they are on the island Kate is still griping about the dingy. I know Kate said we are not to say shut up, but, shut up. They picnic off the beautiful Maine coast, everyone relaxes and seems happy.

The "lobstery boat" captain takes some of them off to check some traps. Kate goes into a mind-numbingly long explanation about how she's going to allow the teenagers to stay behind on the island while they go off and do this. Fine, they're old enough. She sounds very defensive. Why does she feel she needs to justify a perfectly reasonable parenting choice like this but for massive insecurity? She claims she doesn't care what people think of her parenting, but when she endlessly drones on about her parenting choices and why she makes them, it suggests otherwise.

I don't mind when Cara gets the setting of Agatha's book wrong, she's just a kid, but when doofus thinks And Then There Were None was in Maine too, she gets the #dolt hashtag. UK, Kate. It was in the UK. Read sometime. Read anything. It's good for you.

To make sure we get the message that just because she let them stay on the island alone doesn't mean she doesn't care about their safety (nobody cares about this island thing, TFW), Kate says the twins won't be allowed to drive until they are 18 just as Kate was not allowed to. Wow, Cara and Mady are having none of that. We're not you, Mady retorts. Hehe, see ya when they're 16, Kate.

Aaden looks bored to death on the couch as they explain the boring lobster stuff. He lets out a yawn so big it's audible. Wonder how long they had to sit on those couches and be made to talk about their mother. Poor guy. The younger kids enjoy the lobster fishing. Kate's playing on her phone. They are obviously not understanding these lobsters are meant to be eaten, even despite the fact that they have been instructed to only keep the big ones. The kids are petting, kissing, and naming the things.

Kate realizes maybe she didn't explain quite clearly this was dinner. The moment a child starts naming them, that should have been emphasized. I think this makes the kids look dumb, and that seems unfair to have them portrayed like this. When the reality is I would bet money Alex Forrest here intentionally didn't tell them the true nature of her intentions, for maximum drama.

Commercials. Oh, another little people family. We need more little people shows because the world is just not educated enough about exceedingly rare genetic mutations you may go through life not ever encountering once. #Snark.

We're back, and the kids are still having a lovely time catching lobsters and Kate finally clearly tells Alexis that they are going to be eating her friends for dinner. Maybe Alexis thought she was joking, I don't know.

Only people have souls, Kate says. Not animals. Joel and this entire blog of dog, cat, bird and otherwise lovers lets out a collective gasp.

Did you learn this on a game or a show, Doofus wants to know? No Kate, we just looked into the eyes of our babies and simply could not reconcile that they don't have a soul.

In fairness, I know a lot of conservative religions, including the one Kate was likely brought up in, do teach that animals don't have souls, and there seems to be some Biblical support for that. However, I once read online something from a pastor addressing this question. He said heaven is where we are perfectly happy, and if you need your fur baby to be happy, then there he will be. That made a lot of sense to me. There has also been some very recent and groundbreaking research examining MRI's from dogs that is showing that dogs do feel love and many other complex emotions scientists used to think only humans could experience. No soul? Science says you're wrong, Kate!

What I don't understand is why this point is so important to Kate. Joel can believe what he wants. He's his own person and is, gasp, developing his own views on the world, and things not of this world. Leave him alone. Joel even says rather smugly, these are "my words, and my thoughts." Ha-ha, Joel! Kate must just hate they are old enough to form their own words and have their own thoughts, and he seems to take delight in being able to hold his own when she disagrees with him or tries to tell him his opinions are incorrect. Good for him.

The teens are having silly fun with a gopro as teens tend to do. Only usually when this sort of thing happens it's posted on Youtube and gets all of 12 hits from your friends. I think Kate thought it was cute to ask the younger kids if they could choose, would they leave Mady and Cara there on the island and not pick them up. But some of them actually don't want to pick them up and that's mostly just troublesome, not cute, funny, or whatever.

They get back? And the lobsters are going to be murdered? And this will occur in the kitchen? With the candlestick? I want to give Kate a Vivica stink-eye for the constant uplift to her speech, it's infuriating. The more Kate speaks in questions the more I notice so many other Americans doing it, too, and it's become like nails on chalkboards to me. This is a pretty recent development in the American accent and it's about as bad as the Valley Girl speak that developed in the 80's if not more annoying.

The helpful captain-ish man gives Kate cooking advice. Surely he must have heard she wrote a cookbook, I'm sure she can handle this. I bet her rich not-a-boyfriend could even find her a stock photo of a nice bright red buttery lobster tail.

Kate is getting the water going in the kitchen and asks Alexis to bring the lobsters inside. Lexi refuses to do it. Why is Kate asking the kid who is most disturbed by this to help her do this? This has gone beyond even remotely cute. It's sadistic. Alexis is clearly very disturbed by what's about to happen. Good grief.

Contrary to the sort of misleading previews and the segment leading up to this part, I now am pretty sure Alexis did know the lobsters were going to be eaten. She was just in massive denial about it. Kate couldn't have been clearer earlier. Even on the couch poor Alexis is crying just thinking about the incident, oh my gosh. Poor baby!

Back in the kitchen Alexis is screaming in horror.

Kate gets in yet another slam at her childhood. She had pet rabbits and her dad killed them and made her eat them. Well, that's fucked up. If true. I suspect it's not though.  I imagine her dad very clearly told her this is our food source, not a pet, so Kate Irene please don't name them, hug them kiss them, get attached or what have you. Kate being Kate likely just wouldn't listen. It's interesting that she doesn't seem to recognize the similarities between her and Lex. Alexis was very clearly told not to make these lobsters her pets but she wouldn't listen. At the end of the day Kate can't kill them with Alexis this upset, and they are released back to the wild where they will likely weaken and die anyway.

The kids say they would rather just eat lobster in a restaurant, and I know that sounds silly because what's the difference, but I get that. Lots of people are able to eat meat and seafood as long as they don't see it alive first. The second they see the animal alive and know it will die they can't handle it. Even some of the women on this Discovery show called Alaska: The Last Frontier chow down meat like buttered popcorn but end up in sobs at the thought of having to actually gun down the poor thing. I think that's a common reaction. That said, I hope the kids do understand that animals do have to be killed to eat them. There's not some special line on meat restaurants have that skips the killing part. Aaden is still exceedingly bored, yawning and stretching away.

They free Willie and get Chinese take-out instead. Heh, no irony there or anything.

Next up, they're going to go rowing, and the kids' default seems to be to just be contrary. They constantly oppose whatever suggestions Kate has for them and basically everything out of her mouth.

Although I always appreciate good karma and to some extent being contrary is normal at this age, I really don't think that should be happening this constantly. Kate says they always act like that and she just ignores it usually. While she's explaining all this she's vigorously rubbing away at some stain on Collin's t-shirt, the t-shirt he is currently wearing, while he stands there patiently letting her manually Kenmore him for what feels like forever. It's a t-shirt that looks like it cost all of about 15 bucks at Old Navy. That can't just be sprayed with a little stain fighter and thrown in the wash?

Emily is a long-time friend of Doofus here. Kate must think there are no historians on this blog. Oh, but there are. And turns out, no, Kate, Emily certainly is not a long-time friend. She is a fan who only just a few years ago said it was her "dream" to meet Kate, she made it happen by showing up at an event the Goz-lands happened to be at, and has weaseled her way in ever since, and we have a host of her creepy and obsessed tweets to prove she is just an obsessed fan. This is the person you are allowing around your children? How many celebs need to be killed or injured or emotionally harmed by their obsessed fans before it becomes clear this is a bad idea?

I don't want to rag on Emily for too long here though I would have a lot more to say about her, but I did want to point out one thing I find the creepiest about her. And that is that she is some 18 maybe 19-year-old kid who over the past few years has morphed to be more and more like Kate. She even admits her family says she looks just like Kate. It's so Single White Female and disturbing.

The kids were thrilled to see Emily, says Kate. Huh, the kids look rather quiet and indifferent to me. They've been through a revolving door of nannies over the years and I don't really know how much time they have even really and truly spent with Em. If they have, I see no evidence of any special bond having developed with her.

The teens go off to do paddle boarding and their instructor Tim says he understands they don't like authority. Wtf? Did Kate tell him that? What a douche thing to say to girls who were just standing there listening not doing anything wrong.

Emily's right there front and center living the dream of every fan as she helps Kate carry their boat down to the water, minus the sail off into the sunset part.

Kate slams Collin saying he's not very good at hearing and following instructions (or maybe he just doesn't want to follow instructions from you, dolt). She slams the other boys too saying Aaden hesitates about things and Joel dislikes things. She never does this sort of pegging to the girls. Never. But, but, they're all wonderful, she amends. The boys did a good job with the boat and are proud of themselves.

Back to the teens, I'm sorry but Tim is being a dick. Who is this guy? Even Cara and Marly agree he's being mean to Mady. Mady strips off her lifejacket and quits. Sheesh.

Kate is freaking out on the boat, claiming she is dizzy, and overall being a damsel in distress. The teens call her out on this, saying she always says she loves boats but when she gets on them she acts like a fool. Lol. Why does Kate do this to herself anyway? She does it a lot, acts like things that terrify her are actually great. Sounds like more catfishing of herself I guess. Even when this task is all over Kate said if she lived closer to water she'd be out there after the bus stop without a doubt. Makes no sense. She's freaking out so much she's holding up the whole boat from going, which is just annoying if you are in the boat. If you are that upset, please don't hold up everybody else while you pull yourself together. It's selfish and rude.

I like how Kate thinks she's so sharp but in reality constantly uses the wrong word or says the wrong idiom or gets things slightly or a lot off. Like saying the past tense "drowned" instead of the correct present tense "drown," and her comment that "Cara was born rowing." She came out of the womb pumping her arms? Hehe. Even the instructor can't help herself and has to correct Kate, saying the idiom the right way that Cara was born to row. Lol, sometimes ya just gotta fix things like that, like scratching an itch.

Timelapse of the ocean waves, and boy can you tell the difference in production values between TLC and NBC. This time-lapse is just an amateur one, looks like a kid could have made it. They didn't even bother with an interesting composition nor did they run it for more than maybe 10 minutes. Celebrity Apprentice time-lapse crews have slow-moving dollies and 16mm lenses and apertures wide enough to take in an entire dark sky for hours. I have seen all kinds of little production mistakes or amateurs shot over the years on TLC, and not only does it make me think they throw these things together on a shoestring budget for maximum profit, but I also don't think anyone in production particularly cares about this project. Kind of sad.

The twins say Kate pays them for good grades. Not so sure Kate wanted the fact that she's bribing them for good grades to come out, given that's one of the most controversial parenting choices you can make. (For the record, Dave Ramsey doesn't think it's a problem, because he feels it's essential that children be taught to associate hard work with money.)

Kate says she handles the children's money. Heh, I bet you do. She gives them souvenir money to go shopping and actually lets the kids carry it themselves this time. Geez, I hope they will be allowed to skip their bottles and nappie time today too. Kate orders the little kids to look with their eyes not their hands. Good grief already.

The kids want the sort of silly things most kids their age want like an outhouse bank and stuffed animals they are about 7 days away from outgrowing. Kate say hey it was their money they can get what they want so I'm not going to judge anymore, but then makes a big judgey eye roll at the camera. Oh, so the kids will just feel judged later when they watch the episode. Next they head to an epic candy store. I love little places like this that have absolutely everything you could think of.

They don't shop very often? It's exhausting? Gaaah!

Kate all but admits she doesn't usually take the kid out shopping because it's just too much on her. Kate gets the various lobster tools you need to cook lobster at home. I guess she's going to try cooking at home again instead of eating out like they were talking about last night. Only this time instead of cooking Alexis's friends she will just cook friends of Alexis's friends, so she seems to think Alexis will be fine with that. Hehe.

Wait, speaking of last night, she was about to put Lex's friends in boiling water last night, she didn't have all her tools gathered then? Someone as "organized" as her didn't have all her little lobster doo-hickey things all lined up like ducks in a row? I call B.S., this is so contrived and when things are made up by producers little mistakes or things that don't make much sense like this happen.

Collin has studied his script carefully I see as he says something no 10 year old would usually think independently, something about Kate doing pretty good for just one of her and eight kids. Eight kids is all he knows, and he's simply not old enough to really realize that it would be abnormal or difficult for a mother to handle all these kids. Except if Kate constantly told him so. That's what Kate always says on Twitter and the like, and I would bet the farm he's just picked that up and parroting her. He is proud she is his mom, which is a little bit more like what someone his age says, I guess.

The only thing more boring than being dragged along on a boring shopping trip is watching a boring shopping trip. Next, they stop at a seafood market type place so Kate can pick up lobster and various sea food, except all or at least some of it is being delivered. If it's being delivered why not just have all of it delivered? I'm slightly confused, but don't care enough to rewind. Kate talks like she just survived that tank battle in Fury and not a simple souvenir shopping trip where all the kids look well-behaved to me. Good heavens.

Kate likes to cook when she is on vacation. Yuck, I do too. Damn it. Eating out is fun and it's easy to find the best places with Yelp, but it gets time consuming and expensive and sometimes disappointing, and besides it's so fun to go grocery shopping in a little store and meet some locals and get recommendations and experiment. I love it. Thanks to a wonderful web site called AirBnB, you can now get a place to stay with a full kitchen for the same price as a hotel and often much less.

There are moments now and again where it's clear the children do love each other, which is a relief. Such as this one, when Alexis helps Aaden put on his lobster bib and then gives him a big hug and says "My baby, you're my baby!" Aw. Aaden seems to be a family favorite.

This really pretty lady shows up at the door carrying a box full of lobsters.

Are you the lobster delivery person? Kate asks the woman carrying a box full of lobsters. No, that's the pool girl. The lawn boys are coming right after her, and then the lobster delivery person will arrive, followed by four calling birds three french hens and two nannies.

Lobster delivery chick is not just a delivery person but a chef who comes in and helps to clean and cook the lobsters. If Kate ever caught this young woman's name she invited into the house and around her children all night or so much as shook her hand, we didn't see it. Kate even admits she left the woman in the other room with the kids and the lobsters while Kate hung out with the twins in the kitchen and cooked scallops.

The kids all try their lobsters, some of them thought it was okay, but Collin didn't like it, it was white and spongey. I don't much like it either to be honest, it tastes spongey to me too. I'll eat it in seafood bisques but that's about it. It has the look of shrimp but none of the delicious flavor. One of the most overrated delicacies ever. I think it's sad that for all the talk Kate has been doing the past episodes about how important it is the kids have this experience with the lobsters, she leaves a stand-in-nanny they just met to actually oversee the event, and completely misses the whole thing. I've been the nanny in that situation before that's for sure, and it's shitty because I knew darn well the kids noticed who wasn't there even if they wouldn't dare speak it out loud. Kate is so much like the parent I worked for in the sense that they both seem to grasp that it would be nice to give their kids fun and interesting experiences, like say a big lobster dinner in Maine. However, what they don't get is that it's not so much the experience that the kid really wants but rather to experience it with you, their beloved parent, as you laugh and recoil and go through it together. Stop, and sit down with your kids for once, Kate.

The kids are way too old to be spewing out food they don't like back on their plate in a big honking loogie. Pick up your napkin for goodness sake and be a lady. Kate happens to be there for that, and doesn't say anything about it.

On their last day, they had a nice sunny day and headed to the beach. The kids loved it and talk excitedly about writing everyone's name in the sand. Mady and Cara for some reason really didn't like how Kate walked on the names and said they just wanted to leave. Yikes, wonder what that was about, I don't think Kate was doing anything wrong, and that's not something I usually say! Everyone was running over it, for fun. You can redraw it. I think a lot of the twins' behavior and complaints goes much deeper than the incidents they claim are upsetting them.

The kids treat Kate like their personal Judge Judy, constantly running to her with complaints and transgressions and wanting her to dole out justice. They obviously do this because Kate has not made it clear to them she won't pander to that sort of nonsense. I think she actually sometimes likes hearing about their little spats and other conflict. She likes the drama, she's bored. I can just see Judge Judy saying, Child, you were at the ocean and you got splashed by your brother. It's the ocean for pity sake! Your case is dismissed!

Kate however helplessly tries to figure out who splashes who and then tells them if they splash each other they are done. Done? Wowser.

Wow, the splashing thing really pushed Kate over the edge. Holy smokes. She freaks out to the cameras, going on and on about how it's eight against one and 56 different sides to a story and as soon as she helps one there's another one needs help. She is the little dutch boy. Oh well, shouldn't have popped out eight kids and estranged every last person who ever tried to help you with them I guess.

"Stand by the road with a free to a good home sign," she tells the girls. Kate thinks that comment is funny, I think it's freaking nasty. There's teasing, and then there's being an asshole. She is an asshole. Correct, Jon.

Waahhh, the problems of the one percent. They didn't want to leave their already ridiculously long and luxurious vacation. They wanna stay longer, waahhh.

They have icecream for dinner and make their own ice cream. That can be really fun, we used to do that. Cool. Never done it that way, with the ice cream put in these little plastic balls to "cook", you can play with them! Most of the kids liked the rope course the best, and I think somebody else reported they liked the icecream. I don't recall any of them saying they liked the lobsters the best. Sure enough, the things the kids liked the best were the things Kate actually did with them and not the epic lobster dinner that she ended up skipping. Told ya.

Collin, who is only 10 years old, liked spending "quality time" with his family. Sigh, I fear he is being made Kate's mouthpiece by her, and it's disconcerting. He should not have to bear such a burden.

My DVR again recorded this nice though quite dysfunctional Whitney chick from My Big Fat Life, without my permission. DVRs should not be your rebellious teenager who openly defies your wishes. See you next time.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Kate Plus 8: "Kate's Most Memorable Moments": Discussion Thread

Kate reflects on her family experiences and offers her perspective on the challenges she faces.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Celebrity Apprentice Episode Seven "Top Feuds, Firings and Fails" and "Universal Wizards": Discussion Thread


This special episode will feature some of the best moments in “The Apprentice” history, including the best hirings and firings, top feuds and biggest mistakes. 


Mr. Trump sends the two celebrity finalists to Orlando, Florida to take on their biggest task yet –create a commercial for Universal Orlando Resort and sell resort vacation packages to raise money for their charity. Back in New York, the finalists must present their commercial to guests at a star-studded red carpet event. With six fired celebrities returning to help them, the finalists compete for the ultimate prize: $250,000 for their charity and the title of The Celebrity Apprentice. Boardroom Advisors: Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Kate Plus 8 "Cleaning House": Discussion Thread

A plan for room renovations finds Mady and Cara getting their own spaces, while the younger girls move upstairs and the boys downstairs.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Celebrity Apprentice Episode Six "Who Stole My Phone": Discussion Thread

The remaining “celebrities” (including Vivica A. Fox, Geraldo Rivera, Leeza Gibbons and Ian Ziering) are tasked to create a “photo bomb and a hashtag campaign,” leading to something called #Phonegate. And there are rumors that this episode includes one of the last television appearances by the late comedian Joan Rivers. 8 p.m. Monday, Feb. 2, on NBC.