Thursday, February 27, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 9, "Fired Up"

VH1,  check local listings.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 8: Eat your fish!

Last time on Couples Therapy, Sada was reluctant to talk about her family history because she respects that her family did not sign up for a T.V. show. Teen Duck Lips spun an impressively detailed web of lives and stupid Dr. Jenn nodded along to each and every one of them. Idiot. Teen Duck Lips claims Debra called her a whore and a bitch "for no reason." While it may not have been very nice to call her names, there was definitely reason for it, Teen Duck Lips. The surprisingly introspective people in the house like Duck Lips explain to Jon they don't like how Liz treats him.

Coming up, Dr. Jenn is coming down pretty hard on Liz as the doc tries to help Jon. Debra is here (happy happy joy joy!), and boy is she looking road weary. Twenty-two years being Teen Duck Lips's mother have certainly taken their toll.

Credits roll, and I've never really described them, but they consist of a friendly beat and the various couples against a black backdrop saying deep things like "When things are good, they're great, when they're bad, they're bad." Teen Duck Lips asks profoundly, "Why do I always end up alone?" Is that a rhetorical question?

It's the night where we last left off, and Sada and Duck Lips are trying to explain to Liz and Jon that they're not trying to be mean for the heck of it, they're trying to help by pointing out that Liz treats Jon poorly and he doesn't stand up for himself.

Duck Lips assures Liz she does not talk about people behind their backs, this is not about trash talking her. While I fully believe they love Liz and Jon like they say they do and just want to help, that is a funny assertion because that's all she ever did on the Real Housewives. That's all anyone does who appears on that franchise. Everyone constantly talks behind someone's back or is confronting someone talking behind their back or belly aching that someone is talking behind their backs, which in so doing is also talking behind someone's back, lol. That and they go to dinner parties in places like Puerto Rico.

"Lesbians, chime in!" Duck Lips says.

"The lesbians are beat, the lesbians are falling asleep," Liz quips. Ha.

There was an unpublished comment to the blog the other week blasting me for referring to Sada and Whitney as just "the lesbians," but I want to point out here that "the lesbians" is what the people in the house actually call them, and Sada and Whitney giggle over it. I get the feeling it's a running joke about casting a token gay couple. If they had any problem whatsoever with it, I have no doubt they would say so. Not everyone takes political correctness so seriously, Whitney and Sada included, and it's certainly refreshing. And to boot, the lesbians have proven themselves to have the healthiest relationship of all of them, so they get the last laugh.

"Next time Jon tells me we need to go to bed, I think I'm just gonna ...." Liz says dryly as she makes the "O.K." sign. See what you get for not listening to Lights Out Man, Liz?

In an interview later Liz says look, what really got her about this is that they're comparing her to Kate. That just gets under her skin and she thinks it's very unfair. Once she calmed down, she realized she appreciated the housemates for being honest with her and for giving reasonable explanations for why they were saying what they were. Well, good for her, that's a start.  I just can't get over how funny it is that everyone sees being compared to Kate as the greatest insult you could ever possibly give a person.

How did someone like Kate get to such a sordid point? A hundred and fifty episodes I guess. And wouldn't you be just mortified to be regarded by pop culture as the Wicked Witch of Wernersville? Man alive.

Dr. Jenn admits Liz and Jon are making progress. Fair enough. Dr. Jenn sits down with Jon one on one. As we know these are always great.

Dr. Jenn is concerned Jon is falling back into his same patterns with Kate. Again, calling out what a terrible thing he had with Kate, I love it. I can just picture Kate glued to the television, popcorn bowl in hand, squeezing that popcorn into fists when she hears this. She and Kate Coyne and TLC for years have tried to spin herself as the victim in that whole relationship, and now here's someone, a professional no less, shattering that glass house and finally describing the relationship the opposite way. To boot, Dr. Jenn, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has massive amounts of experience in domestic violence and other dysfunctional relationships when she worked at Peace Over Violence; this is not her first rodeo. Kate must be seething over all this, a licensed therapist, not to mention all the housemates, refusing to accept she was the victim. Ha. While I think Dr. Jenn is way off base when it comes to Teen Duck Lips, overall I think her take on things is right on the money, and I think her analysis of Jon and Kate, and Jon and Liz, is spot on.

Jon explains that Liz loves him, she is the only woman he really felt a connection with after the dating he did, and also he has to think about his eight children. "She's really good with my kids."

Dr. Jenn admits that Liz is filling up things emotionally and sexually for him that he did not have before, but he can't let that overwhelm him from seeing some of the negative things in the relationship. Jon admits it's a fine line. She says Liz needs Jon to tell her certain things she says to him are not acceptable. Jon says he'll give it a whirl.

Day 15, and the cinematographers on this show have really captured some spectacular time lapse twilight shots of Los Angeles throughout this series. Photography is a serious hobby of mine, but most of Los Angeles is pretty dull during normal waking hours. However during magic hour, those brief few moments at sunrise and sunset, this place transforms into something other-wordly, almost Hobbit-like, especially during the cooler months. My current avatar is one such hauntingly beautiful sunset, here's another from a few weeks later I love.

It is truly a blessing to live in such a beautiful place. Jon notices there's a bit of smoke in the distance, probably one of the many small brush fires that crop up during fire season when this was filmed. Jon asks if that's a fire. Liz says snottily, No, genius, it's someone smoking a really big cigar. Huh, maybe Wu-tang's out there somewhere and his cigar exploded on him. I hope he gets lost.

Liz pauses a moment, and you can see the wheels turning. She admits she is a real jerk sometimes when she says things like that, and that she's not used to someone calling her out on it. It's making her realize that she needs to work on this. It's rather interesting but concerning that Liz seemed to think comments that nasty and rude were acceptable until someone had the balls to point it out to her. How does someone get that far in life? No one has asked about Liz's childhood or her past yet, oddly enough.

Kelsey comes out in an over-the-top Pepto-Bismo pink exercise outfit and bandana, LOL. "Oh, heyyy!" she announces as she strikes a pose. Aw, I'm glad she's in a better mood. She fetches Liz to go work out. As much as I find Liz frustrating, it says a lot that someone as sweet as Kelsey has taken her under her wing. She must have seen something in her.

Day 16, group therapy, woo hoo! Spoke too soon, today we're going to talk about everyone's childhoods. Now I know I just said that your childhood is important, but I don't really want to hear about everyone's childhoods for the simple fact that I think some of these people are going to lie, and a lie on national television slamming your childhood is different than just telling a lie about it to a few friends. Especially since many people from their childhoods are probably still around and can't really respond.

Oh dear, Duck Lips witnessed domestic violence as a child. I guess that makes you a gossip thirty years later. Look at Teen Duck Lips over there fake crying, haha. Dr. Jenn says Duck Lips needs to let go of that burden and that's crucial to her parenting. This is the first time I've heard Duck Lips mention her sweet daughter Kennedy, although that's not to say she doesn't talk about her all the time in the 14 other hours of conversation a day that get edited out. I wonder how Kennedy is doing, she must be nine or so now, then I catch myself thinking how weird it is to wonder about a child you don't know. But that's what filming reality T.V. children does, you get to know these kids, care about them, and from time to time wonder about their well-being years later.

Wu-Tang's dad left the family when he was six. He had to grow up at a young age. I will not feel sorry for him. I will not! He is not the first child to grow up in a single parent household, it is no excuse for how he treats Kelsey. Wu-Tang says something about how if he had receive the loved that he needed in his relationships he could have given the same back. What the hell? Dr. Jenn calls this some kind of "breakthrough." I call it blaming others including nice women like Kelsey and Latrice for him being a straight up pig. Kelsey seems to sort of be snickering. I hope that's a snicker of disbelief. "Bingo," Dr. Jenn, really? He wins the $5,000 cash prize now? Spare us, please! What is with the coddling and praising him? Did she forget how pissed she was at him just the other day?

Teen Duck Lips, oh God. Teen Duck Lips remembers something back when she was two? It sounds like what Teen Duck Lips is describing is time outs. They made her sit by herself. You know, exactly what all the experts recommend you do when your child is two. But for some reason this was terribly traumatic for poor Teen Duck Lips and scarred her forever. There goes her voice box, it's gone, I can barely understand her now. She mutters something about how somebody hit her. Child abuse hit or just self-defense? Is that a look of skepticism on Dr. Jenn's face or is the collagen just a little extra puffy today?  Oh please bring in Debra to rebut!

Dr. Jenn says the theme for Teen Duck Lips is no one was there for her.

No one was there for her??? Now, Debra and Michael are not perfect parents and in fact are pretty dysfunctional at times, but if anything, they are overbearing. They were always there, always home, have few outside interests other than their children and grandchild, and were always checking up on the kids. Teen Duck Lips complained about how smothering they were! They were the complete opposite of not there for their kids. Now maybe they weren't saying what Teen Duck Lips wanted to hear, like sure go have sex, use abortion as a form of birth control, and stay out all night every night once you do have that kid, but that does not mean they were "not there."

Someone was asking earlier if Dr. Jenn has seen Teen Mom. I don't see how she possibly could have. No way.

I know Sada did not want to discuss her family on television, so I get uncomfortable to see her sort of forced into it. Her parents fought a lot and her dad abused her, and I'll leave it at that.  I will say though that she said this became "normal" to her. Which is an important point, because just because a child seems happy, healthy and normal does not mean their home life isn't dysfunctional. That is just their life and kids adapt to it.

You were living in a constant state of terror, Dr. Jenn remarks.

Sada points out that her dad when he wasn't out of control was the most loving parent. In a way that's worse, explains Dr. Jenn and Duck Lips, because they're so confusing and unpredictable and leave you guessing.

Whitney likes the idea that other people who were abused might see this episode. "I think abuse in general is something that should be brought out of the closet and discussed. And I think it will be a really important thing. I'm proud of you." I like Whitney.

Time to go relax, see ya everyone!

So Kelsey, Whitney, Duck Lips' fiancé, Jon and Liz don't get to talk about their childhoods? Why, because their childhoods were relatively normal and too boring for primetime? While childhood plays a major role for many people, not everyone with issues had a bad childhood and not everything can always be blamed on your parents.

Wu-Tang is in his usual asshole position reclined on the bed, only this time he has his hand down his pants. Gross! I don't claim to understand it but I know it's true some guys like to sit like that watching T.V., I guess it feels natural or whatever, but in the privacy of their homes please. Can you imagine the pearl clutching if Jon were shown with his hand down his pants like that? Wu-Tang always acts so tired and lazy, it's a wonder he made it in the business and in life in general. Kelsey is glad Wu-Tang was able to open up in group and thinks he can only move forward from here. She is such a sweetheart. She really wants the best for him even if it's not going to be with her, and that takes a lot.

They both want to stick with therapy and finish this out. Well, that's commendable. Kelsey says she needs to get to a place where she can forgive him.

Coming up, Debra! Wow, she looks like she's been run over by a truck. Or had a baby who grew up into Teen Duck Lips.

Dr. Jenn says the trauma Teen Duck Lips endured was all documented on Teen Mom. Well, exactly, and if you watched Teen Mom carefully, Dr. Jenn, it should have been crystal clear to you that, not withstanding Debra's behavior, Teen Duck Lips was a nightmare of a child and most likely mentally ill. She didn't listen, she didn't respect her parents, she was downright histrionic and they were at their wit's end with her. Of course they find the one clip where Debra gives Teen Duck Lips a light smack on her shoulder, without giving you any context for what the conversation was even about. It's not even from Teen Mom, it's from the first show 16 & Pregnant. They don't mention that Debra has said that Teen Duck Lips has hit her, too. They are both a mess and Teen Duck Lips is no victim here.

I have my own clip to show if I may. In this Teen Mom clip, Debra asks completely normal Mom questions after Teen Duck Lips got a boob job, like how her pain level is and if she's eating well. Teen Duck Lips snaps back at her like an ungrateful brat. Debra was also kind enough to take her to the doctor when Debra never wanted her to get the surgery in the first place, and Debra makes supportive comments like that you can barely see the incision marks. Starts at 5:15.

So suck it, Dr. Jenn!

Geez, from the way Teen Duck Lips talked you would think she was estranged from Debra, but when Debra walks in looking like something the cat dragged in, they both look happy to see each other. Debra seems downright proud of her daughter when Dr. Jenn gushes about how far Teen Duck Lips has come in therapy. She beams with pride and compliments the room decor (she's a real estate agent).

You see, I just don't believe Debra is evil. You can't fake stuff like that.

Debra says she just wanted to raise strong children, who know who they are and achieve their dreams. Sounds reasonable enough. She said when Teen Duck Lips got pregnant, Teen Duck Lips wanted an abortion, but Debra said that was against their religion and she couldn't do that.

Now, regardless of how anyone feels about abortion, Debra as Teen Duck Lips's mother probably felt she had a right to tell her she couldn't do that. But in the state of Iowa, Teen Duck Lips was only required to inform her mother the abortion would take place. Debra couldn't stop it. Any Planned Parenthood could have told Teen Duck Lips that. Teen Duck Lips chose not to override her mother, and that was her decision. Did I mention that if you watched the other shows you would know that Farrah tried to hide her pregnancy from the baby's father? And then even after he died, his sister had to get a judge to intervene just so she could see the only living link left to her brother. In many states, you can't cut a father out of the child's life legally. In Iowa a father has a right to petition the court for his full parental rights even if the mother wants to cut him off. In California that's called a Kelsey S. father. This is who we're dealing with here. Why not address that dysfunctional alienating behavior, Dr. Jenn?

Dr. Jenn says Debra is downplaying how monumental this moment was. Well, it was five years ago. Maybe she just wants to move on at this point, Dr. Jenn. Jeepers. Is it really appropriate for a grandmother to discuss how her grandchild's mother wanted to abort this grandchild? What if Sophia sees this someday?

Dr. Jenn says Debra is angry. Debra is like, um, nooo, I'm not angry at all actually, but thanks for your concern.

Dr. Jenn accuses her of hitting Farrah. Well, she slightly tapped her on the shoulder. I think it's important to be accurate here, and fair. There are two sides to every story.  Debra said that when that happened, Farrah had been screaming, cussing and carrying on for 25 minutes. While many people these days including myself don't believe in laying a hand on a child in any form, there's a difference between holding a four-year-old down by the hair and beating them for wetting their pants, and lightly slapping your out of control teenager on their shoulder after 25 minutes of her histrionics. Context matters.

Not that that excuses ever hitting a child, but if Debra were in California she would have a point. See Veronica G.  ("The court ordered the child abuse report to be withdrawn or Gonzalez given another hearing in which the San Jose family's entire circumstances are considered and the spanking put into context with the parents' growing frustration with a recalcitrant daughter.") Not to mention, I don't see any assertion from Teen Duck Lips this happened at any other time other than this one incident when she was 16. One mistake made in a fit of massive frustration does not a bad parent make.

Recalcitrant Teen Duck Lips says when she gets this way it's because she's aggravated. Well, that's hardly Debra's fault she has such a short temper.

Debra says this all boils down to Teen Duck Lips just won't be quiet when Debra asks her to be quiet. LOL! Shut up shut up shut up shut uuuuup!!!

Debra says Teen Duck Lips has hit her too and even called the police on her. When Teen Duck Lips gets mad she gets honest, and admits yes, she did hit her mother, too. Ha! Got her right where we wanted her! How come Dr. Jenn never says it's an issue that Teen Duck Lips is violent with others, too? It's funny the way she coddles her, but it's also really disturbing too.

Teen Duck Lips is out of control now, claiming everyone in the family is angry and doesn't get along. Well, welcome to the American family, Teen Duck Lips. From Ordinary People to Flowers in the Attic to August: Osage County, we are a country with a long history of dysfunctional families. Oh well, it makes for better films. Now eat your fish!

Dr. Jenn is falling for this all hook line and sinker. She's clearly firmly in Teen Duck Lips's corner. She's been bamboozled by a bamboozler! Dr. Jenn says Debra doesn't grasp how painful this is for Teen Duck Lips. Debra says she does grasp it! Exactly what does Dr. Jenn think she needs to do to prove this I wonder? Dr. Jenn says Teen Duck Lips needs empathy and understanding. Debra says that's why she came here and that Dr. Jenn twists her words. I really feel for Debra's frustration here, even more than I thought I would. I think empathy and understanding are the last thing Teen Duck Lips needs and I think Debra knows that, but no one will listen. Countless people have shown this head case empathy and understanding and it does ... not .... help. I think if anything, Teen Duck Lips needs tough love, not more coddling and poor you crap. Even Duck Lips agrees with that, and she's quite the authority on head cases and on smelling rats. Apparently she also hates ballet flats. Even Jon weighed in, singing la-la-la-la-la-la, Smurf along with me. Yep, pretty much.

Debra is just scoffing at this point and saying her heart is broken over this. Sure it's all fun and games when Jon and Duck Lips make fun but she is her mother, I get it. She bursts into tears. Well I see where Teen Duck Lips gets her odd disappearing voice box issues. So such a thing is genetic.

Debra feels she cannot read Teen Duck Lips's mind or heart. That's because she is trying to read the heart of a sociopath, and there is nothing but a blank page to read there. Debra says she's at her wit's end not knowing what to do, does my child need more hugs, does she need me to talk to her more? I don't get it. Neither do we, Debra.

Wow. What Debra should read is We Need to Talk about Kevin. Because for as much as Debra is a nut herself, it is never easy raising a mentally disturbed child and the things she is saying here are indicative of a mother who has poured her heart and soul into raising a mentally disturbed child and is, as is inevitable, coming up empty, and not only that but is now being attacked for doing the best she could. That's rough.

Dr. Jenn says she needs to gain a deeper understanding of her daughter, that's all. I don't agree. I think Debra has tried her hardest to understand the fruit of her loins. The fact that no one else in the house can make heads or tails of Teen Duck Lips either simply proves Debra's point. Entertaining as she is, in all seriousness, there is something fundamentally wrong inside Teen Duck Lips's head. Everyone in the house saw it and doesn't even want to be around her vortex. Are they all wrong too? Most likely Teen Duck Lips is a true sociopath, and I'm certainly not the first say so, and I don't think any mother could have handled her much better.

Dr. Jenn says Teen Duck Lips needs to mourn that her mother will never be what she wants. Ouch. But, that's probably true. No mere mortal will ever be the mother that Teen Duck Lips wants, and it's high time she get over that. If we want to psychoanalyze things, I believe Teen Duck Lips has expectations for people in her life that no one could possibly fulfill. A perfect mother who understands her inside and out, a perfect love and boyfriend that promptly turns into a fairy tale marriage, a perfect set of friends who always love her and include her and treat her like a queen, and so on. She creates unreasonable expectations for everyone around her that no one could possibly live up to, and when they fail, as they can only do, she lashes out at them and blames them. She of course does not expect the same sort of perfection from herself--being a good daughter, girlfriend, mother, friend. It's really sick quite frankly and I'm shocked someone as experienced as Dr. Jenn doesn't see what's really going on here. I can only assume this must be some sort of Stockholm Syndrome.

As much as Dr. Jenn thinks Teen Duck Lips is the victim here I am just as firmly sympathetic to Debra in this mess. I wish she could stay in the house so Dr. Jenn could see that the housemates would probably like her.

Commercials. Hm, Hershey's spreads. Kinda looks like Nutella, but I bet it's not the same. Nothing is the same.

Dr. Jenn pulls Sada aside and praises her for really progressing in therapy. She encourages Sada to bring her dad out here to the house and Sada agrees. Sada says she is nervous about that and doesn't want to air their dirty laundry, but she trusts Dr. Jenn. As wrong as Dr. Jenn is about Teen Duck Lips, I think she is correct that Sada needs to talk to her father in person. Sada calls him and he agrees to come out.

Another fantastic song, Ohio's own Joshua Radin singing Like They Used To

The soundtrack and time lapse photography are impressive for a little cable show like this. But shows like this are often how the real greats get started.

Sada is upset because Whitney went to go play pool instead of going with Sada to take a bath. Well, but Sada told her not to come with her. God, I hate when women do that, and so many of us are guilty of it. Oh no it's fine you don't have to do that, but I'm going to be mad at you when you don't. How did we become so damn passive aggressive? Whitney doesn't really understand what she did. Neither do I.

Whitney calls her out on sending mixed signals. Sada says anyone would have known she really needed Whitney to be with her right then. Again, but she told Whitney not to come with her! I don't know, some people actually want some space when something monumental happens, so I can't agree with that at all. Whitney said they've been trying to work on Sada better communicating her needs, right?

Sada says she feels she did communicate her needs. By telling Whitney not to come with her? This is so frustrating. Hoodies really are making a comeback at least judging by this show.

Coming up, Sada's dad shows up and he seems earnest enough. Oh cool, I recognize this guy form Teen Duck Lips's past, and although I can't really place him, whether he was just a friend or boyfriend or what, I do remember he was awesome and frequently called her out. And finally the episode where they destroy a house in a therapeutic exercise and Jon wasted his whole life, which he defines as ten years. Now eat your fish! 

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 8, "Repeating the Same Patterns"

VH1,  check local listings.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 7, a cone without an ice cream scoop

Last time on Couples Therapy, Dr. Jenn called Liz out for calling Jon a pussy. Ratings won out over therapeutic ethics and respect for a good person's feelings, so Dr. Jenn brought in Wu-Tang's other woman on the side to meet Kelsey. Or as we soon realized it's actually Kelsey who is on the side. They're both just side dishes really.

Coming up, Latrice and Kelsey bond over what a pig their mutual boyfriend is. Sada and Duck Lips tell it like it is to Jon. God, I hate that I agree with Duck Lips. I thought the world would turn round the other way on its axis before that would ever happen but here we are.

As I remarked last time, I had just noticed that Kelsey's earrings are giant safety pins. Now that I see them up close, I see they even have diamonds on them. It's a little hard to take her seriously when those safety pins are swinging back and forth.

Kelsey storms out of therapy and you know who immediately gets up and goes to comfort her? Duck Lips of all people. She even leaves the side of her fiancé, you know the one who's always too hot, to go tend to the poor girl.

You know for many former stars, trying to do a comeback on reality T.V. just hurts them. In particular, I had had all good ideas about Dionne Warwick, I would even sometimes hum "That's What Friends are For" in the shower, that is until she went on Celebrity Apprentice. She was just mean. A real bully. And lazy. All in all I would not want to be her friend. And then there are people who go on reality T.V. and they end up being super cool, likable, and hard-working, and their stint on reality T.V. only serves to boost their image. I'm thinking Kelly Osbourne or Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars, both of whom were really hard to hate when they went on that show. Well, Duck Lips is doing some pretty darn fine rehabilitation the past several episodes. Before, I thought she was a fool and a duck. Now I think she's still a fool and a duck, but a nice fool and a friendly duck.

Dr. Jenn goes to her too and basically implies that Kelsey needs to leave Wu-Tang, it's over at this point. This is why Kelsey has a beautiful heart. She says she feels bad for Latrice sort of being in the same position she is in. Who, when they are faced with such a terrible situation, is concerned with how the other woman feels about it? Kelsey, that's who.

Latrice and Wu-Tang are still back in the therapy room. The look on Latrice's face suggests she's a pretty sharp tool in the shed. She says given Kelsey's emotional reaction, you, Wu-Tang, must have said some pretty deep stuff to her.

"I tell her what I tell her," Wu-Tang says. "She got caught up." Pig. Tool. Pig with tools.

Dr. Jenn comes back. She's so pissed. When she's this pissed, she tends to suck her collagen lips in all the way and purses them. It's quite interesting to watch, it looks like she has a giant wad of cotton in her mouth. She tells Wu-Tang that Kelsey is very hurt, and that Kelsey and Latrice need to talk alone.

Kelsey says she wants Latrice to understand that Wu-Tang lead her to believe that he was very serious about her, and that this is some real bullshit. Latrice agrees. Ha. Women will claw each other's eyes out one moment but the second they realize that they both got played by the same man, they're thicker than thieves. The ex-girlfriends club is always fun.

Kelsey, you are someone to admire. She actually wants to apologize to Latrice because she's sure Latrice is hurt. Even though none of this was Kelsey's fault. Wu-Tang should be apologizing, but I'm guessing Kelsey knows he probably won't or if he does it won't be sincere. And this is why that old adage don't judge someone by how they look often rings so true. Kelsey has some kind of bleached out mohawk, a tattoo behind her ear, some other purple spear-like thing stuck through her ear, and giant safety pin earrings. I'm sure our grandmothers would cringe and lead us in the other direction if we encountered her on the street, praying for her as we go. Yet she has one of the kindest, most empathetic souls I've ever seen. You think you're praying for her when really she was praying for you and wishing you health, happiness and prosperity long before you ever thought to do the same for her.

It's important to Kelsey to point out that if she had any inclination Latrice was around she would not have been with him, period. Latrice is upset in her own right. Kelsey tells her that just like she's been learning, crumbs of his love are not enough, you deserve better. Latrice is not sure she can get past this and trust him.

"You ain't gotta worry about me and him no more, that's for damn sure," Kelsey says. Oh thank God for that.

Wu-Tang is outside, head in hands. The future is grim for his relationship with Kelsey. Look, she just fell for me too quick and before he knew it he had some kind of emotionally invested in-love woman on his hands, he explains. What the hell? Why does he keep acting like this was some kind of whirlwind romance Danny Bonaduce style? It wasn't at all. They've been dating a year! And it's not like Kelsey is talking his ear off about marriage or having kids. Geez, a year of dating is a lifetime in Hollywood. In a year the rest of folks like him have already been engaged, broken off the engagement, and now gotten back together and are pregnant due this summer.

Commercials, we're back and Duck Lips is checking in on Kelsey again. Aw, she's very sad for her. Duck Lips is in general an emotional basket case, but I wouldn't say this is behavior typical of a narcissist. It's actually quite selfless. Kelsey reiterates that she's not going to sit around waiting for Wu-Tang to choose, she's done.

Kelsey takes the very wise step of sleeping on the couch that night.

The next day, Wu-Tang sits down with Sarah, one of the resident counselors Dr. Jenn always passes off the work she doesn't want to do, like when Duck Lips and her fiancé were hot.

He says he's never had issues with women like this before. Yeah because you kept it all a big secret from everyone so no one knew they should be upset! Wu-Tang says this blew up in his face like a cigar. Like a cigar? Cigars explode? What kind of cigars is he smoking?

In the evening Dr. Jenn sits down with the group for a "fun activity." Oh, potato sack racing? Hula hooping? She says Teen Duck Lips was oh so very "brave" to do therapy by herself. Oh good grief, this kind of coddling and endless pats on the back is not what Teen Duck Lips needs. I like Duck Lips's no-nonsense approach, basically telling Teen Duck Lips she's f--ed up and that's all there is to it. Ha.

Sarah Gooding and Dr. Steve Oldridge of the online dating site Plenty of Fish are there.

Now, before you are fooled into thinking this is some kind of legitimate endeavor, let's talk about Plenty of Fish. Plenty of Fish was started by a recent college grad and computer nerd named Markus Frind from Canada. He was bored with his day job and thought he could make a boatload of money off an online dating site by making it free but just supporting it with Google's Adsense ads (the same ads we use here on His plan worked. He made millions. He is one of Adsense's greatest "success stories." He boasts that he only really has to work an hour a day on the site. But because it's free, you get what you pay for, and the site has an absolutely terrible reputation for attracting cheaters (a cheater can't have his wife finding on the family credit card), losers and freaks, and even being so dangerous law enforcement has issued warnings about it. Anyone who finds their future husband or wife on there usually makes up a story about how they met at the gym or reaching for the same jar of pickles at Safeway.

This so-called doctor, Steve Oldridge, is not a doctor in psychology, or sociology, or anthropology, you know something that might remotely qualify him to dissect a stranger's relationship. His doctorate is in electrical and computer engineering, which is probably why Plenty of Fish hired him, because they needed an egghead and statistician to run a web site and make them more money, not Dr. Drew to hold someone's hand. Sarah Gooding just does public relations for the site, so she's no expert. This is just a cross promotion endeavor that has some serious ethical implications that I doubt anyone considered.

Point being, Plenty of Fish is not qualified to analyze a relationship, are not qualified to offer therapeutic type services or understand the ethical obligations of such things, and in my opinion should not present themselves as so qualified. They are qualified to make money off people's need for companionship or sex, nothing more. At least Dr. Jenn said this is just supposed to be a fun game, but in what follows obviously Jon did not take it that way. I wish he knew more about Plenty of Fish before going in.

They pass out tablets for everyone to fill out Plenty of Fish's compatibility survey. Jon already is annoyed by this "game," saying he doesn't need to fill out a dating profile when he already is with his girlfriend. Fair point. The lesbians and Duck Lips just see it as something fun as women tend to see surveys like this. Most of us grew up with Seventeen and know that relationship surveys are just a part of a healthy lifestyle! I think it's mean to make Kelsey and Wu-Tang fill this out when she already said their relationship is over.

Obviously Teen Duck Lips can't fill out a compatibility quiz with a nonexistent boyfriend, LOLOL, so Dr. Jenn has the brilliant idea to make her set up an online profile and go on a date so Dr. Jenn can analyze the date. Oh that's great, I love it and cannot wait. Can they bring her parents in too? The music they are playing is by Switchfoot, which is absolutely one of the greatest most under appreciated bands of the past ten years. They sound like Third Eye Blind only more talented. If you've missed them they have nine albums out, so you can binge listen.

Commercials, and I flip to the Olympics. I'm worried about Bob Costas. If Russia's medical care is anything like their hotel rooms I'd be nervous. Now his infection has spread to both eyes, and it's so bad he's been off the past several nights and that stupid Meredith Vieira "reporter" is filling in. Remember her infamous interview with Kate Gosselin years ago, where Kate cried tearless tears as she explained she had a purse full of bills, Jon took all her money, and that she couldn't even sleep at night?, poor thing. Meredith couldn't ask a follow up question if her life depended on it, like if Jon took all your money why are you in the McMansion and kids in an elite private school, and you fluttering off to NYC for hair extensions every three weeks leaving the kids with a nanny? Is that the behavior of someone whose husband stole all their money and can't even sleep at night? And shouldn't this be a dispute that should be settled by a judge in private, not the court of public opinion?

Day 14, and the Plenty of Fish hacks analyze the compatibility quizzes. Duck Lips and her fiancé are compatible. I think if you are both hot or cold at the same time, that's a good sign you can have a long and happy marriage. There's really nothing worse than fighting over the thermostat every evening.

Kelsey and Wu-Tang are incompatible. Ha, thanks for the reminder, says Kelsey.

The Plenty of Fish hack Gooding says that Teen Duck Lips shouldn't say she wants to get married on her profile because that comes on too strong. I think that's rubbish and that they don't know what they're talking about. I don't buy this crap about that scaring guys off. If a man is scared off because you simply say that you'd like to get married someday, then you don't need him in the first place. A good man will appreciate your honesty and prefer knowing where you'd like to go in the relationship before you're head over heels in love but he was never interested in settling down. Besides, I think Teen Duck Lips has a moral obligation to disclose that she is looking to put a ring on it because any man who does will also be signing up for this woman as their mother-in-law.

The lesbians are compatible, obviously. They're great together. The only reason Whitney rated high in avoiding temptations is because she thought the question meant are you good at saying no to a nice big delicious bowl of melting ice cream. Ha.

Note: This is a stock photo of ice cream. I did not make it or photograph it!

The egghead is very cute for an egghead.

On to Jon and Liz. Egghead says being divorced and having kids can make it less likely to form a successful relationship. What's he basing that on? As the folks here would say, "link please!" Statistics/links actually show the majority of people who get divorced end up getting married successfully again, some pegging it as high as 80%. Of those who do remarry most report high levels of satisfaction in the new marriage as opposed to those who don't remarry. Regardless who he is talking about, so much out of these POF people's mouths seems just flat out made up out of nowhere and it's really getting annoying. You can't just say whatever about something as personal as someone's relationship without knowing what you're talking about, at least I don't think it's right that you should.

Liz and Jon rated low in "family orientation" whatever that means, and that suggests they may feels constrained by their kids. Liz makes a big face and says that's nonsense, what the f-ity f, dude! While they have eleven kids between them and of course that's hard at times, family is huge to them, they're both family oriented, she explains. I wonder if the "family orientation" questions were like the question Whitney thought was about ice cream, like if you were a tree what tree would you be? And if you say willow that means you aren't "family oriented" because it blows around in the breeze a lot.

The have drinking and smoking in common, which actually is a good thing because it's hard for those who choose to abstain to be with someone who does not. This annoys Liz that this is the only positive thing they said about them. Ultimately the POF people say they're incompatible.

Gooding and Egghead admit that the test can't measure chemistry and that some couples like them on their site do just fine, but it's more rare. Jon says he doesn't need a computer to tell him how he feels about Liz. Heck, if he can hack as good as Kate thinks, he should be working for Plenty of Fish, fire Egghead there and put Jon in his spot.

Jon and Liz talk about the test afterward. Liz seems upset too but tries to remind Jon it was just a game. I think Jon hits the nail on the head when he says this reminds him of being on T.V. before, where he would sort of be "set up." I think that is a very fair statement, as I firmly believe that TLC manipulated the situation to an incredible degree, especially financially, to paint Kate as the long-suffering wife and he the bad guy, and ensure that the person who had no problem with filming the crap out of the little money makers just coincidentally happened to get awarded custody, wouldn't ya know it! There is no question about this to me. After finally seeing this scene myself, I think the crux of why Jon is upset is because it's bringing up demons in his past he has never dealt with in a healthy manner. I doubt TLC ever apologized to him for what they did, and I doubt he's really confronted them about it so he could sort of get some closure with it. The POF folks touched a nerve, and his gut reaction is to just call his manager, leave the show and be done with it (although to be fair, he never does call his manager or leave the show, he simply said that's what he felt like doing. There's a difference). I don't, however, think this POF test was a set up. Designed to cause conflict, yes. Deliberately manipulating test results, no. It was a dumb test given by people who are not qualified to give it and Jon and Liz happened to flunk and that's it.

Dr. Jenn comes out to talk to Jon. He says Dr. Jenn was endorsing something bogus. Dr. Jenn said it wasn't a set up, it was just supposed to be fun, scout's honor. She would go "ballistic" if such a thing ever happened, goodness me. She would never allow anything "fake" on her show!

Why do I get a feeling this is also her version of a "rebuttal" to Teen Duck Lip's friend? How sneaky of her. Teen Duck Lips's friend said the whole show was prepared to bring him on and "pretend" he was Teen Duck Lips's boyfriend when he was not, and he even has the emails from them to prove it.  This is pretty much what a fake set up is, so I think the lady doth protest too much.

Liz is so upset she's in tears. Duck Lips and the lesbians all admit regardless of the silly test, forget the test, their own personal observations are that Jon and Liz aren't right for each other. This is not unlike what many viewers here have said, and obviously we're not trying to set anyone up, so I don't think anyone is saying this just to screw with them. I think for most people this sort of thing is being said out of concern for Jon and wanting what's best for a guy we've come to sort of "know" through the years via our T.V. sets and wanting what's best for the parents of children we've also come to care about.

Dr. Jenn actually does a pretty good job talking Jon back down. She says hey let's focus on the many areas you are compatible, and we'll give time to the areas you're not compatible, and you both have come so far already. That seems to reassure Jon and he calms down almost immediately. He admits he overreacted, and he says he does feel he's in a safe environment and is comfortable talking to Dr. Jenn. He apologizes to Dr. Jenn and thanks her, and Dr. Jenn is gracious enough to tell him no apology is necessary. That was nice. I give her credit for being patient but persistent with him.

Commercials, and I never thought a Dominos commercial would make me cry. It's about how you might think your pizza maker is just a punk kid but a lot of them are doing really great things when they're not making pizzas, like working on beautiful artwork. It's a commercial about not looking down on someone based on just what you see or where they work, which society seems to need constant reminders about. 

We're back, and I guess now this is couples therapy for Wu-Tang and Latrice? Heh. Dr. Jenn meets with the couple.

Kelsey says she can't be mad at Latrice because Latrice is in the same shoes that Kelsey is in. This woman has more insight that most women twice her age. This made me curious who she is and how she could possibly be so introspective at such a young age. There isn't much about her since she's a relative unknown talent, but I did find this interview with her where she talks about her childhood growing up in Indiana:

"I grew up a middle child of 10 kids we moved around a lot, I was a girl that came from a small city with a huge imagination. Growing up at first was a little challenging. I was bullied pretty badly in 5th grade which changed me a lot. So by the time I got to middle school and high school. I was already making a name for myself. I was a cheerleader and a pretty good student with a 3.0 GPA. I was very popular. However I still had my troubles and challenges here and there like being pregnant in high school but I didnt let that stop me it only made me go harder."

So we know she came from a big family with lots of kids in small town America, which explains her genuine personality, ability to work so well with others and her empathy for Jon and Liz's big family. We also know she was fairly smart, maintaining good grades while doing sports, too. She also from a young age turned challenges into opportunities, like not giving up her dreams just because she got pregnant. Hands down, she is the most interesting and admirable cast member of the whole lot of them.

Wu-Tang says he's sorry and he still loves her. Latrice says sorry, sucker, but it's over. I'm not your wallpaper to pick for the guest room. Oh, I love this. He deserves every bit of it. In the course of his quest to choose which ice cream flavor was best for him, he was too arrogant to think that maybe one or both of the girls might decide they don't want to be in his cone in the first place. Ha, Daddy wants a hug from his baby but she won't do it, so Dr. Jenn does the honors. Good luck to you, Latrice, you too seem like you deserve better.  

Wu-Tang tells Kelsey what happened and she seems as sorry as one possibly could be about that given the situation. She says she's going to stay on the show for the therapy and to try to be a better person. Kelsey, you're a fine person, and I really don't think there is all that much to work on here, except for a few denial issues which anyone would have in your shoes. I think you were duped by a very good con-artist. It could happen to anyone. I have every reason to believe you will move on from this and find a great man who treats you like you should, and probably soon. 

The lesbians ask Teen Duck Lips what is going on with her POF date. Haha, I was wondering that just as much, lesbians! Pop the popcorn, I want to see Dr. Jenn psycho analyze Teen Duck Lips's dates. Teen Duck Lips said she got a few messages saying she was cute but that they didn't want to go on a T.V. show.

Noooo, somebody turned down an opportunity to be on reality T.V.? Can't be. Even guys in Los Angeles don't want to be on T.V.? I thought everyone would do it too.

"Well, I'm just like whatever, if you're not going to be okay with T.V. than f--it you're not ever going to be in my life," Teen Duck Lips says defiantly as she goes off to probably eat another chopped salad. Ha, like she thinks she's going to be on T.V. forever. Too funny.

The lesbians, Duck Lips and her fiancé and Jon are hanging out in the back. You can tell Whitney is trying to be very respectful when she brings up Jon being upset about POF. Duck Lips says that she does not like the way Liz called him a pussy. She says it's very "unfair" to him. Sada says Liz is dominating and belittling. Duck Lips' fiancé says he needs to demand respect from her. I know Jon feels attacked here, but I get the strong sense that every single person who is confronting him about this is doing it because they genuinely care about the guy and don't like what they see.

Jon goes off to tell Liz they're talking about her. Liz comes out to talk to the group. Duck Lips admits they were talking about the relationship, and says look he just needs you to love him. "This demeaning thing you do to him, you [Jon] don't deserve that," Duck Lips says.

When did Duck Lips emerge as such an authority on functional relationships? Color me surprised to be in agreement with her.

Liz's defensive idea on this is that they don't know her well enough and haven't observed them enough. She says these people are horrendous and terrible. Not really. The ones horrendous and terrible aren't even sitting here right now. I like most of the ones here. I'm all for believing that many reality shows encourage conflict, fighting, and drama, but I think these people are actually just trying to help. Just because Liz doesn't want to hear what their observations are doesn't make the observations themselves wrong.

Next time on Couples Therapy, some other stuff happens I don't care about and oh my God oh my God oh my God Debra is here Debra is here Debra is here!!! And she's standing up for herself and saying I never did the things Teen Duck Lips says I did, Dr. Jenn!!! Woo-hoo!!!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 7, "Crumbs of Love"

VH1,  check local listings.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Shirley Temple Black, 1928-2014

"Time is money. It's work, not play, and you learn to be obedient or something bad happens to you."

Shirley Temple made $3.21 million in Depression-era dollars (that would amount to about $45 million if she earned it in 2014). By the time she reached 18, her father had spent all but $44,000 of it. Surprisingly, a court-ordered trust had actually been put in place to protect the child star's earnings in a time when little thought was given to such things, but somehow no one did anything when her father failed to make the required payments to it. 

The "Shirley Temple Act," passed in 1938, refers to federal law that excludes child actors from normal labor regulations. It has never been overturned.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 6, The snake oil secret no one will buy

Last time on Couples Therapy, when the lesbians aren't fake fighting they enjoy toying with Teen Duck Lips to pass the time, and call her out on making a porno. Wu-Tang gets his just dues when Kelsey, his lovely girlfriend he doesn't deserve, douses him in apple juice.

Coming up, Dr. Jenn is so concerned about Teen Duck Lips she wants to shut the cameras off so she can really work her therapeutic magic. Cameras off? What the...! No! No fair! WTF! I'm instantly in a bad mood. How am I supposed to make fun of Teen Duck Lips with the cameras off? I demand a recount!

Dr. Jenn falls for whatever Teen Duck Lips said to her off camera (how convenient) and thinks she's had a horrific past. Naw, with this fine woman as her mother? Can't be.

Teen Duck Lips has certainly told horrific lies, I'll give her that. Wu-Tang lines up his wallpaper swatches so he can choose which one to spend his life with. Ha, look at Latrice, all decked out in a red cocktail dress and hair extensions like she's going to a slightly shady New Year's Eve party in the slightly shady part of downtown. It's just VH1, Latrice.

The music sounds like Super Mario Brothers 3 only played at half the speed. It's just minutes after Kelsey threw the apple juice in Wu-Tang's face. Wu-Tang goes after Kelsey and demands that she hug him. She keeps telling him to stop and to leave. This is so incredibly uncomfortable because it's edging toward domestic violence, which is not always about the bumps and bruises of Lifetime movies or your Duck Lips's lies, but about exerting your power over the other person and not listening when they say no back off. Kelsey is so upset she's considering leaving the show.

Oh thank God, Sada comes out to console Kelsey. I like her. Kelsey tells her the whole long sordid tale which starts and ends with Wu-Tang being a douchebag and includes him wanting to bring in the other woman he is seeing, Latrice, to see her and Kelsey in the same room so he can decide which girl he wants like you might look over the ice cream flavors at Baskin Robbins before committing.

Sada's reaction is like everyone else's: "What the f*&k???" That's correct, what the f*&k.

This is why Sada is such an awesome and intelligent person. Because she says great stuff like this: "I know you don't want to lose him, but you don't have him anyway."

Ex-aaaaactly! So lose him, because he's already lost. You can't lose someone you already lost, Kelsey. Or, never had to begin with, given he was with Latrice first.

Kelsey sits down with Dr. Mike.

No, not that Dr. Mike, although I bet she'd have good advice for her too, like tear up your contract and leave him for heaven sake, we'll help. Couples Therapy's Dr. Mike is some other doc they've never really explained much about, but I've gathered he is some sort of assistant to Dr. Jenn who maybe goes on duty when Dr. Jenn is getting her collagen injections? He's sort of cute in a John Leguizamo kind of way.

Kelsey is just realizing that the life she thought she was living with Wu-Tang was a lie, and that must be an awful feeling. She admits that deep down she kind of knew Wu-Tang was living a rapper lifestyle where this could happen. She's still really in love with him though. Dr. Mike gives good advice in that either Wu-Tang is going to have to commit to her or Kelsey is going to have to leave him, there's no in between.

Dr. Mike seems to be choking up a tiny bit. I think these people truly like Kelsey and care deeply that she is being so hurt by this.

Wu-Tang is such an ass. The situation is "bugged out" he remarks profoundly. He says it in the passive tense like that, not that he made a bugged out situation but rather the situation itself just showed up kind of buggy, unannounced. Gah, pass the apple juice he obviously is not wet enough in my estimation.

Coming up, Duck Lips's fiancé says when Teen Duck Lips opens her mouth it's like puke just comes out. Ha, never heard it put quite like that, but totally. And cue the voiceless crying. Looks so freaking good, can't wait!

Day 10, and Kelsey is feeling like crap about the situation but doesn't know how she can just erase the love she has for Wu-Tang. But Kelsey, you were loving something that was just proven to you doesn't exist. Erase it Kelsey, here's a pencil.

Teen Duck Lips confronts Whitney in the kitchen, demanding to know what everyone was up to last night. Whitney's like uhh, we were playing checkers and reading? Checkers and reading, how sophisticated, Teen Duck Lips says snottily. Is she being sarcastic? It's actually hard to tell. Well, what are your hobbies, Teen Duck Lips? So far I can only come up with three: lying, whining, and eating chopped salads. It's not like Teen Duck Lips prefers to spend her leisure time playing chess and trading polo horses. The truth is it couldn't be more obvious she's jealous she wasn't included. 

Teen Duck Lips, if you want to be included, you're going to have to ask. Swallow your pride and say, hey, next time you guys are staying up late playing checkers or whatever I'd love to join you, sounds fun. Chances are a nice girl like Whitney would be happy to include you. But making fun of what they chose to do with their leisure time is not going to get you any independent invites. I'd love to see TFW in a similar kind of reality show "house" situation. She'd be eaten alive, much like how Teen Duck Lips is being eaten alive, slowly, methodically, bite by bite. 

Teen Duck Lips whines to Sarah, one of the resident counselors, that no one in the house likes her. Didn't we just have this conversation the other week? As I recall it was so boring Dr. Jenn near fell asleep listening to it all before she moved on to more interesting (and amusing) issues like Teen Duck Lips's mother. No wonder Dr. Jenn passed this stupid problem off on the staff this time around.

Here, I'll cut to the chase, Teen Duck Lips. No one in the house likes you because you're not likable. See how everyone instantly liked Jon and always wants to hang around him? That's because he's nice, make everyone laugh, and throws around the football out back. Be more likable like him, and they will start liking you, too.

Sarah asks Teen Duck Lips exactly what has she done to help fix this [boring and stupid] situation? Teen Duck Lips thinks for a moment as she picks at her chopped salad and then says, uh, not talk so much? Ha, you know in this case that might actually help. Shut up shut up shut uuuuppp!

Jon, Duck Lips and her fiancé, and the lesbians are out back smoking.  Baw-hahhhaha. Jon says, could we just grab that whiteboard in the therapy room and draw out in a flow chart Teen Duck Lips's so-called "story?" Then he hums the Smurf's theme for a little bit as he pantomimes drawing. Heh. "Now, does this make sense?!"

Baw-hahahhaah. Funny. Everyone's cracking up. No, of course none of this makes sense. No one can even figure out what she's even doing in couple's therapy, not being in a couple in the first place. And she dresses like a nun too and wears ballet flats, Duck Lips adds.

Ballet flats, people. Unbelievable.

Personally I quite like ballet flats myself, but that does not detract from how hysterical this conversation is. Even Duck Lips's fiancé, who hasn't said two words since he mentioned he was too hot a couple weeks ago, is just going off now, saying Teen Duck Lips has no business being here, her words are like puke to him, he's had it with her.

Jesus, they really hate her. Not that I'm surprised, since almost everyone does. Duck Lips says Teen Duck Lips needs therapy the most because she needs someone to tell her she's f--ed up. I believe that's been mentioned to her. If she didn't hear it the first thousand times why would she listen now? Duck Lips smells a rat! La--la--la-la-la-la, Smurf along with me.

Teen Duck Lips has retreated to her room and seems to have taken up the sophisticated pastime of reading. Liz joins Jon outside and he puts his arm around her sweetly and tells her he loves her. It's a real love fest out there, with everyone kissing everyone. Some folks are even kissing Duck Lips. If you ever watched Real Housewives of Beverly Hills you would know how bizarre it is to see Duck Lips part of the group and more or less liked by the other housemates. She must be so pleased. They've all really bonded, except for Teen Duck Lips.

Dr. Jenn laments that no one in the house has much empathy for Teen Duck Lips. See, I don't blame people who have no empathy for someone who has never had empathy for anyone else. Plus they have to live with her and her snide passive aggressive behavior and Dr. Jenn doesn't, so easy for her to say.

Dr. Jenn pulls Teen Duck Lips into a one-on-one session, which as history tells us are always snark-a-lishous. Dr. Jenn thinks the root of a lot of Teen Duck Lips's issues is that sex tape everyone is talking about. Teen Duck Lips is a little annoyed by that, she's like look the tape was me having sex there's really not that much more to say about it. I almost sort of agree with her, but at the same time it's a sex tape, Teen Duck Lips, and sex tapes or even talking about sex tapes just makes for good guilty pleasure T.V., okay? Dr. Jenn says Teen Duck Lips has come far since she's been in the house (she has?) but there is something still holding her back.

Teen Duck Lips burst into tears and says what she's really upset about is that she signed a contract and signed some rights away but she is not permitted to talk about it. Ooooo. Is she talking about her daughter Sophia? Did she sign her over to


That's my guess since I remember on Teen Mom Debra really wanting to raise Sophia and how Teen Duck Lips pretty much let her. I did a quick search around the web and other speculation is that she's being threatened with a defamation suit since she's basically been telling the world that the sex tape was just an unplanned accident leaked by her evil boyfriend, when the truth is she orchestrated the whole thing herself.

Dr. Jenn says they have to talk about it, so she makes all the cameras go away. Oh, phooey, I wanna watch.

Commercials. I don't have much to say about them since I've been mostly flipping to the Olympics during the commercials. Had Bob Costas not mentioned that he has to wear glasses because he woke up with his eye so rancid and infected it was swollen shut, I never would have noticed. Now I can't stop staring at it. It's shriveled and inflamed. It's so gross, like undead gross. Geez, is that thing contagious? I just want to put eye drops in it.

Zombie Costas
Group sessions. Dr. Jenn says she wants the group to understand there are serious things going on with Teen Duck Lips, she needs the therapy, and it's important for the group too she be a part of this project. I say it's important for our own entertainment, but as far as Teen Duck Lips providing therapeutic value for everyone else, I think mostly they are just amused by her. Then again, they say laughter is the best medicine, so.

Oh, Dr. Jenn, you disappoint. She's choking up saying the things Teen Duck Lips told her are some of the most horrific things she's ever heard, and she just doesn't know how Teen Duck Lips has the strength to face each day. Well, she's gotta get out of bed at some point, those chopped salads are not going to eat themselves. Of course they're the most horrific things you've ever heard because Teen Duck Lips made them all up. I'm sure she weaved a remarkable story, made it as outrageous as possible for maximum sympathy, and like an idiot Dr. Jenn fell for it. This is what she's been doing since her Teen Mom days. Dr. Jenn, wake up! And really, start marathon watching Teen Mom. You have all week to catch up.

I like that Duck Lips's fiancé jumps right in and says wait just a cotton pickin' minute here, can I just interject and say that's all well and good but that none of this has anything to do with me not liking her. I don't like her because I just think she lives in a bubble and doesn't listen to anyone, it has nothing to do with this stupid sex tape or any other nonsense. Exactly. 

"I'm not living in a bubble!" is Teen Duck Lips's brilliant rebuttal. "This is "bull *bleep*!"

Oh, I so love that no one is falling for Dr. Jenn's crap. Whitney's like okay, whatever about this elephant in the room I don't know what the big gosh darn secret is but you're still an annoying tool and liar. How convenient that you can't talk about this because of legal issues, how convenient, but "now it's just like you're a chick in a room!"

No, not a chick in a room! A narcissist cannot just be another chick in a room, they will explode, it's a scientific fact.

Commercials, back to Bob Costas's eye for me.

We're back, and no amount of commercials can change that no one is buying what Teen Duck Lips is selling. Or Dr. Jenn. Hehe, poor things. 

I love Whitney. She says that all this crap from Teen Duck Lips is holding back the rest of the group from being productive in therapy. Yes, agree. It's unnecessary drama that is taking time away from real problems the adults need to work on. Dr. Jenn blabs some nonsense about how Whitney is wrong. Whatever, Dr. Quack-quack. There is a definite duck theme here.

LOL, Duck Lips thinks she can "mentor" Teen Duck Lips. Duck Lips has no business mentoring an armadillo let alone the monstrosity that is Teen Duck Lips. Sada admits she did judge Teen Duck Lips. I don't know, is "snarking" judgment? I don't think so, I think that's just a good time. 

On to Wu-Tang and Kelsey. Dr. Jenn wants them to talk about the secrets that have come between them. So, Teen Duck Lips doesn't have to talk about her secrets, but they do? That's fair. Not!

Wu-Tang says well, Latrice wasn't exactly a secret per se. Oh, well neither was Deep Throat then. Ha, the camera pans the room and everyone is making duck faces of WTF horror! Oh no, Kelsey seems to blame herself when she says she should have been more forceful in demanding he tell her what was going on with other women. Duck Lips actually has a good point in that noggin of hers in that Kelsey heard what she wanted to hear from Wu-Tang. You know, when Duck Lips is relaxed and other people are being patient and nice to her, she's not half bad. She even has a few salvageable neurons in there to say a few good things now and again. Just make sure the temperature always stays below 70 degrees and she's fine. Dr. Jenn explains that Kelsey maybe resisted hearing the truth because it might mean she would have to do something she didn't want to do.

God, Wu-Tang's an idiot. "What's that?" he blurts.

Um, leave the relationship? Dr. Jenn says in a way that says she thinks he's an idiot too. Kelsey wishes she could go back to how things used to be.

Sada jumps in with what she said before, this is B.S. because you never had him in the first place so why are we talking about how things used to be? What used to be never was, get it? I get Sada. It is so infuriating to watch a woman be in a relationship like this, especially a woman you're quite fond of and know deserves better. Wu-Tang jumps all over Sada's correct analysis of the situation and says look men are pigs and I'm a man so therefore I'm a pig so just accept it.

Whatever. Kelsey, you deserve better, Sada says, shaking her head. 

Jon and Liz didn't utter an entire peep this session. In fact they look a little overwhelmed with all this psuedo-celebrity drama, as well they should be.

After therapy, Teen Duck Lips is suddenly in an incredibly giddy mood. That's probably because she succeeded, once again, in pulling the wool over someone's eyes. A professional licensed therapist no less. She even dresses up in a slate gray business suit like she's about to interview at Goldman Sachs, minus the shimmering earrings the size of small infants.

Now she wants to do therapy, she's all about it. That Teen Duck Lips is a strange one. And a sociopath, no doubt about it. Of course Wu-Tang of all people is starting to understand her. He would. He actually shares some similarities to her in that he doesn't seem to realize that other human beings have this thing called feelings.

As an aside, Jon can be seen walking in the background in a very nice black suit and belt and blue Steve-ish pressed dress shirt. What's the occasion for all this pomp? Maybe this is Teen Duck Lips's 150th lie she got away with scot-free on national television, definitely worthy of celebration.

Day 12, and Dr. Jenn sits down with Kelsey and Wu-Tang to talk about Latrice, who is on her way to the house as we speak. Kelsey hopes that this will help her make a decision what she is going to do. Hey, that's exactly what Wu-Tang wants. I don't understand these two. Wu-Tang feels caught in the middle. Oh, that must be so terrible for him.

"This is not like an audition," Dr. Jenn says in disbelief. She says Wu-Tang is like "a bomb that keeps detonating in women's faces." Yeah, a big stink bomb.

The lesbians tell Duck Lips that Latrice is coming to the house.

"What?!" Duck Lips blurts, leaning forward so far she could practically kiss the floor. Ha, I don't know why her "what?!" is so funny, but it is. It's just such a simple yet correct reaction to such an over the top shit storm. Duck Lips says this is painful to watch. Yeah.

Latrice comes into the room, wearing a fire engine red cocktail dress, stilettos and blond wavy hair extensions. I guess she got the memo this is an audition. She's pretty like Kelsey is, but more feminine and conservative. She seems quite a bit older than Kelsey, maybe even eight years older.

She comes in and hugs Wu-Tang, Kelsey sitting right there. "Hey, baby," she whispers. Blech, who are these people?

Latrice, meet Kelsey. Kelsey, meet Latrice.



Well, this isn't awkward at all.

Latrice says she had thought she was in a monogamous relationship. Of course she did, because that's how Wu-Tang rolls. Wu-Tang says he loves Kelsey but is not in love with her, and he knows Latrice more. Wu-Tang wants to know what Kelsey would have done had he told her sooner about Latrice. What kind of question is that? Kelsey is pissed now. She's like, well obviously I wouldn't have gotten involved in the first place! Duh.

Wu-Tang claps his hands aggressively, babbling some nonsense about how Kelsey knew what he does and what he was. What does that mean? Obviously she didn't know any of that or we wouldn't be here in the first place.

Dr. Jenn has to break up the fight like you would with six-year-olds, cupping her hands around her mouth and screaming at them to stop.

"How can you treat her like this?!" Dr. Jenn demands. "Talk about disrespect! What the f&^^ is that?!"

I love when Dr. Jenn says f&%. She really means it when she throws that out. She owns it.

Kelsey screams some stuff about what a pig he is and then storms out, which she's done about three times now since I started watching this show. "Stay here," Dr. Jenn orders Wu-Tang, as she goes after her. Well, this was a no good very bad idea just like you predicted last episode, Dr. Jenn. Jesus, nothing went smoothly about this, what did you expect?

Next time on Couples Therapy, I just noticed that Kelsey's earrings are giant safety pins. Open one up and prick Wu-Tang in his big butt and be done with it. Oh, cool, Duck Lips and the lesbians are telling Jon that they don't like how Liz treats him. They're saying the same things the folks here said on the blog, about how she's dominating and running the show and belittles him. I think it's good for Jon to hear this from women who really seem to care about him and whose opinions he seems to value. Sada says, "That's when you say, 'listen, bitch!'" Ha, that's not quite how we said it but close enough.

You know Liz didn't say a thing this entire episode, and Jon's only contribution was that hysterical whiteboard flow chart "does this make sense?" thing, while humming the Smurf's theme. But it was a good one; that was so funny. La-La-la-la-la-la.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Discussion Thread: Couples Therapy episode 6, "Get Real"

VH1,  check local listings.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Jon on E! news: 'She's trying to win [the kids'] favoritism by making me look like a bad person'

In an interview with E!'s Alicia Quarles Tuesday and Wednesday, Jon says he wants full custody of all eight children until Kate submits to a psychiatric evaluation. He says Kate controls the children and "instills fear" in them. Jon also seems to be implying that he thinks last month's People interview with the twins, in which the girls spoke negatively about his dating history, was actually Kate's statements "edited" to make it look like the twins said them. Check local listings.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Recap: Couples Therapy episode 5, A crumb of a boyfriend

Last time on Couple Therapy, Wu-Tang was on his grind when he met Kelsey and still is. The lesbians had a fake fight, and Liz thinks Jon is a pussy. Thanks to Urban Dictionary I learned that on my grind means you're working. You know, plugging away at putting food on the table and such. Maybe I'm dense, but it just occurred to me that Wu-Tang might not exactly mean sitting at his desk job filling out spread sheets when he talks about on his "grind."

Coming up, Dr. Jenn rightly calls Liz out for being such a jerk to Jon, and Duck Lips makes an awesome and epic duck face! We never thought it possible, but Wu-Tang is actually an even bigger jerk than before, because apparently he's been seeing another woman while he was with nice, patient, loving Kelsey. Kelsey can only take so much, and gets him back for it by throwing juice in his face. Which I'm sure felt good and was certainly well-deserved so I don't care how immature it looks. Let's face it, he had that juice coming.

Did I mention the independent music on this show? It's not half bad and a great way for raw talent to get their music played. Right now they're spinning "I Want You" by Lindi Ortega. She seems like she's sort of a cross between full-on punk and a bad-ass country singer. Even in her video she has this jet black emo hair, yet bright red cowboy boots. Heh. She's Canadian too! Never heard of her before but I dig it.

Everyone's eating, or working out, or getting ready for the day. Kelsey is giving Wu-Tang the biggest stink eye behind Wu-Tang's back. Ha! This is one of those times where he deserves every bit of her passive aggressiveness. I never expected to care so much about the other people on this show, Kelsey especially and I quite like the lesbians too. That's what happens when you get sucked into such a reality T.V. vortex, which is why it should be avoided in the first place, and I'm really rooting for Kelsey to get out of this horrific "relationship" and find a man who appreciates her for the awesome girlfriend that she is.

Group sessions. Today, Dr. Jenn says, we're going to start talking about S-E-X! Start? I thought that's all we've been talking about that I noticed.

Brrrr, Jon makes Kate sound as frigid as a Nor'easter. Their marriage was pretty sexless or when they did have sex it was a chore. Jon is very attracted to Liz and appreciates their physical relationship. I've always felt like anthropologist and pastor Gary Chapman's five love languages theory is one of the best ways to describe how people give and receive love. Chapman's theory is essentially that people tend to understand love either by words of affirmation, doing acts of service for someone, giving gifts, just spending time together, or physical touch. Depending on what language you best speak, you might not be compatible with someone who speaks a different one. For instance someone who just wants your time, might not understand a partner who spends all day away from home looking for just the right gift. They'd rather just have you around. The partner who then brings home the perfect gift that ends up not being all that appreciated, is crushed. People who speak different languages can work out if they just learn what language their partner speaks and make an effort to cater to that.

Kate's love language is bitterness and hate but since that's not one of Dr. Chapman's options I'm going to say if she speaks one of these at all it would be gifts and acts of service. Of course she would speak the things you can more or less put a price tag on, because she only understands dollars and cents and a points system. It's clear that while Jon tried to run around like a madman doing her bidding, deep down he always craved a more physical relationship, and she withheld it.

Jon said he was going to masturbate the other day, and then Liz walked in. I'm pleasantly surprised that Dr. Jenn gives Liz what for over her juvenile reaction, calling it hostile and emasculating and says she humiliated him over a private moment. That's right, masturbation is something private, and normal, and Liz needs to grow up. And as we recall from last week, Liz admitted she was withholding sex from him, which is passive aggressive. Wow, Liz looks so ashamed of herself she's nearly tearful. Well, it's nice to see she understands. Duck Lips twists and contorts her giant duck lips into an amazing sneer! I can't tell whether that's a sneer toward Liz or Jon or maybe just a fuzzy on the couch but it sure is funny. Jon says when Liz does stuff like that it reminds him of Kate. Oh, Jon, no one is quite like Kate, that's blasphemous.

Dr. Jenn actually agrees Liz is being just like Kate, oh snap! I love that that's such a huge insult, just to simply say you're like that person in general. Usually when you say someone reminds you of someone it's supposed to be a compliment. I bet Kate is watching every minute of this, winding and rewinding all the parts with Jon, and it's fun to picture her face. Dr. Jenn tells Jon that Liz's name calling is not acceptable and that if she does it again he is to immediately step up and tell her that she cannot talk to him like that. That's good, because I think so many of Jon's problems over the years could have been mitigated had he simply stepped up right there and then and said excuse me TFW (or TLC, or whoever) but that is not acceptable. He lets things go on too long. He's like a pressure cooker, steaming and hissing for so long until the lid finally pops off, but by that point he's so mad he can be irrational.

Liz and Jon both say they want to be more responsive to each other's needs, Jon just says he doesn't want to feel ashamed of masturbating and Dr. Jenn says he shouldn't have to be. I've been nodding along so much to what Dr. Jenn is saying the past few episodes I feel like a bobble doll.

Woo-hoo, we turn to Teen Duck Lips, who says her dad caught her having sex when she was 15 and then everyone knew, and her family is just so gosh darn judgmental about it. Well, I should hope to baby Jesus her family was judgmental if they caught her having sex at 15. Good grief. She had sex at 15. She was careless enough to get pregnant when birth control these days is almost foolproof and easier to get than a stick of gum. She had the baby. Then she more or less dumped the baby on her parents. And she acts like how dare they tell her what to do. I really cannot imagine the poor Abrahams having this nincompoop as their child, they must have been beside themselves. Please bring them onto this show, pretty please with sugar on top?

Teen Duck Lips is confused why all her boyfriends always want to have sex. Because they have a weiner, that's why, it's not personal, Teen Duck Lips. These days Teen Duck Lips has shut down sexually, she doesn't even masturbate. Umm. Even Dr. Jenn is like okay, moving on now, Wu-Tang and Kelsey?

Dr. Jenn says Wu-Tang lives in a world where men are encouraged to be #&$*^&*^@#$@#$.

Where men are what? I have no idea what she just said but I think it's awesome that Dr. Jenn can just throw out a word so bad it needs that much beeping and not a stick straight hair moves out of place on her head. Dr. Jenn goes Walter White on us for a moment and explains that after a woman has been with a man for a few months her brain releases oxytocin, the hormone responsible for the bonding that occurs in relationships.

Kelsey has bonded to Wu-Tang of all people and Dr. Jenn says that surprises Wu-Tang. It surprises all of us too. Kelsey was with her son's father for seven years and when they split she didn't have sex for a year before she jumped back in the sack with Wu-Tang. Wu-Tang is like, um, whoa, didn't know it was that special. He looks really guilty about something right now. We will soon find out what.

Kelsey feels very disrespected and wants an apology. "I'm sorry, again," Wu-Tang says in that snotty tone that says he's not sorry at all, he's only sorry he got called out. Kelsey, get rid of this dead weight.

Commercials, and we're back with the lesbians. They have a few minor sexual issues that are rather boring. Whitney says their relationship is sort of a mother-daughter dynamic. I never saw that but I'll take her word for it. I like how Liz is gazing at them, without judgment and fully attentive to what they're saying. She does this to everyone. I give her a lot of credit for giving this 100% of her effort.

Dr. Jenn says profoundly, sex is never just about sex. Have a nice day everyone!

The lesbians are still strung out about the group session and now they're fighting. I think in general couples therapy is good for a couple. But I think this is one of those rare instances where this is a couple that was doing well and didn't really need therapy, and all it's doing is picking at old sores and making them bleed. The lesbians seemed healthy and happy when they came into this experiment. I think Dr. Jenn's "therapy" is in effect stirring the pot, making issues out of non-issues, and getting them upset when they were just fine before.

The morning of Day 8. This is the moment where I liked Liz again. She tells Jon she's sorry about their stupid argument, and that if he has certain needs he just needs to tell her. Liz screwed up, talked about it in therapy, listened to her therapist's suggestions, was contrite, and made a real effort to change. And therein lies the difference between normal people like her, or the lesbians, or Kelsey, versus people like your Duck Lips squared, Wu-Tang, or Kate. Humans are flawed, some more than others. But I will never write off anyone who is putting in a sincere effort to change and grow. And I think it's worth noting that Liz is still a relatively young woman. Other than her ex-husband whom she must have been with awhile to have three kids, how many real relationships has she really had? I think if she can get to where she just got at only 28 or so, there's a lot of hope for her. Liz makes Jon laugh, and he looks at her like we've never seen him look at Kate. That sort of glazed over, quiet look like he can't see anything, or anyone, else in the room. The look every woman needs. Jon is truly in love with her, and I wish them the best.

Dr. Jenn does a one-on-one with Wu-Tang. I've realized that when this show does a one-on-one that means something really salacious or shocking is about to happen so I perk up.

I love women, women love me, Wu-Tang claims. What? Not this woman. Wu-Tang complains that Kelsey is moving too fast. Huh? They've been together a whole year already. Too fast how so?

I think I figured Wu-Tang out. Wu-Tang Clan was an immensely popular group about fifteen years ago, and I'm sure he lived like a rock star for it for many years and made buckets of money and had buckets of women who wanted his buckets of money. And so he didn't have to behave like a good boyfriend in any of those relationships because he didn't need to because he had the money and lavish lifestyle to make up for it. Wu-Tang Clan is still popular, but nowhere near the way things used to be, and he is finally with a woman who doesn't care so much about who he is or his money, but rather just wants a good boyfriend. Not only does he have no idea how to be that but he seems almost offended that he is required to change how he's been living for so long. Like she should just worship him any which way he is because he's Wu-Tang. To break down and just be a good boyfriend like every other man has to be is almost like admitting that the height of his fame is a thing of the past.

Wu-Tang admits he's been with another woman for two years. That's why he looked so guilty earlier!  He thinks it would be a scathingly brilliant idea if Latrice and Kelsey met each other. He thinks the only way he can really decide who he wants to be with is to see them in the same room. Jeepers, you're not choosing wallpaper, Wu-Tang. What a pig.

Uh-huh, says Dr. Jenn, slowly nodding. Um, yeah, that's a terrible idea, you oaf. You can tell she's sort of torn about the ratings, but I also think she's gotten to like Kelsey just like viewers have. Dr. Jenn is basically like hey, I wouldn't be opposed to talking to Latrice, but we are not going to hurt Kelsey in the process, okay? Here, here!

Does the other woman know about this whole Couples Therapy thing with Kelsey? Dr. Jenn asks. Oh, come on, Dr. Jenn, you already know the answer to that--of course she doesn't know. Except I guess she knows by now!

Commercials. From all these Twizzlers and hot Cheetos commercials I think I have a pretty good idea what demographic watches VH1.

People in the house seem to like Jon and Liz, which says a lot. Kelsey is tossing a football with Liz, and invites "J" to come join them. Aw. Jon says he'll be right there. He talks to Whitney, who is looking really bummed about things. Jon empathizes with her, telling her he's been there. At least I got all my masturbation talk out of the way, Jon quips, making her laugh. Ha. And aw. He's totally the type of guy that doesn't mind listening to your girl problems and just wants to see you smiling again. Unlike sort of the Todd Palin types and many other men who just run the opposite direction and avoid such conflicts at all costs. It's nice to have a guy friend like Jon.

Whitney goes to Sada who, oh dear, is crying. Sada claims she's really needy and needs affection, yet when Whitney tries to go to her and hugs her, she pretty much blows her off. Okay, whatever. Dr. Jenn says it's time to sit down with the lesbians and get to the bottom of this.

Dr. Jenn says Sada needs to treat Whitney better (yes) and that really sets Sada off because she thinks she treats Whitney like a queen. I don't think she understands that rejecting a sweet and sincere hug when you are crying is not treating your wife very nicely. Whitney doesn't like the bickering in their relationship. Sada admits her parents' relationship was pretty tumultuous. Dr. Jenn asks if there was abuse, and Sada says calmly look I signed up to air my own issues, but I don't think it's fair to air the dirty laundry of my family members in the process. Even though I think her childhood is probably something she is going to need to confront at some point, I can respect that. She can get therapy in private later to talk about her childhood. VH1 need not be the place.

Dr. Jenn to her credit doesn't pressure her about that and just says they're going to need to change things or the relationship is doomed.

Day Nine. Duck Lips and her douchebag fiancé are eating outside. Hey, how come Duck Lips has barely said a word the past two episodes? It can't possibly be that she's behaving herself and not doing much anything of interest. I have a conspiracy theory that after her stupid diva blowup over the heat in the bedroom, production decided to "punish" her for it by editing her out of almost everything. If there's one way to get to a narcissist, it's to edit their ugly mug out. Ha!

Kelsey is outside doing some yoga poses. It's going to take more than a little yoga to fix this, Kelsey. Dr. Jenn meets with Kelsey and Wu-Tang. Kelsey said she's afraid of losing Wu-Tang. Sigh, why??? Lose him!

Be careful when you just let someone give you crumbs in a relationship that you don't start thinking that's all you deserve, Dr. Jenn says. Wow, that is a good one, Dr. Jenn. Put that on a platitudes poster. I love food analogies, too.

Wu-Tang breaks the news that he's seeing Latrice. Oh, poor Kelsey, she looks absolutely devastated, as expected. Despite Dr. Jenn just telling Wu-Tang what a terrible awful no good very bad idea it is to bring in Latrice, Wu-Tang still persists with the notion that he wants Kelsey and Latrice to sit down together. Gaa!


What the heck is that about, Kelsey asks, are you trying to get us in the same room so you can see us together and pick who you want? Yep, that's exactly the sick thing he was thinking, Kelsey. Just like wallpaper. Would you like your drink now because I happen to have some apple juice on hand!

Wu-Tang tries to say Kelsey is no better springing her past on him, about her being a stripper.

Oh don't you even go there! Dr. Jenn immediately jumps in, raising her voice for the first time all season. And here I thought her flat and frozen monotone was the only thing she could do because of all the Botox. Boy was I wrong. She gets those lips moving somehow and says something Kelsey did four years ago she's never done since is not anything like what you're doing presently, you tool! Haha!

Are we done now? Wu-Tang asks, like this is all Kelsey's doing. Oh, don't even think about it; we're done "when Kelsey says we're done," Dr. Jenn says. Oh!!! Dr. Jenn can't even look at Wu-Tang right now, she's that pissed.

Wu-Tang tries to apologize and Kelsey says yeah right you're not sorry and storms out. Cough, so, I take it now we're done?

Commercials. We're back, and poor, poor Kelsey is wondering well geez am I the "side chick" or is she? That's funny I was wondering the same thing and I am kind of afraid Kelsey is really the side chick. That's f-ed up, Kelsey says. Sometimes things really just are f-ed up.

Why can Wu-Tang never get out of bed to have a serious conversation? Get off your ass. It's so disrespectful. If I were Kelsey I wouldn't even talk to him when he is reclined like that. Get up off the bed, sit up straight, and look me in the eyes like a man. Why is Kelsey even listening to him at this point?

Latrice should be more mad than you because I was with her first, Wu-Tang says irrationally. Huh? They both should be furious, what does it matter who he thinks should be madder?

My heart is not a toy, Kelsey says. No, it's not. So just stop this and get out. Wu-Tang rubs her leg, holds her hand, tries to touch her face. Ugh, stop! "Who the f---- are you?" Kelsey blurts. Inexplicably, he asks her to be a doll and go get him some apple juice, his poor throat is just parched. Kelsey is like oh you want apple juice? Oh, sure I'll get you some apple juice. Apple juice, comin' right up. Heh.

You didn't spit in it did you? Wu-Tang demands.

Oh, no she didn't spit in it, Wu-Tang. In one quick motion Kelsey tosses it all in his face, then turns around and walks away. Ahh, that felt good. To Kelsey and to us viewers.

Next time, finally Duck Lips is back in action and can smell a rat from a mile away. She may have impressive lips but don't be fooled, her nose is in tip top condition too. So far I haven't heard one peep out of her fiancé except for him to complain how hot he is. I hope Duck Lips is talking about how Dr. Jenn is falling for Teen Duck Lips's sob story about her childhood the rest of America doesn't believe since, oops, so much of it is on film and we judged for ourselves who really was the bad guy in the family (hint, it's Farrah). I really think Dr. Jenn has not seen Teen Mom, how could she have? Maybe she should do some binge watching this weekend before she goes taking up for Teen Duck Lips like this over the rest of her family. Look, Debra is a nut, no question, and Michael is a pushover, and neither of them are very patient or would win any parenting awards. But Teen Duck lips is a true sociopath, like straight jacket crazy. It was not easy for them to raise her, that much was clear.

Predictably, Latrice shows up, and whoosh there they go. Kelsey and Latrice sit in the same room like pretty little wallpaper swatches, just like Wu-Tang wanted. I knew Dr. Jenn couldn't resist that ratings bonanza.