*Cue upbeat music*
Man I missed this family! Kate decided that if mean awful Jon won't sign off on more exploitation of the kids, she'll just have to do it herself. And since she's too lazy to try to figure out Youtube, she'll just wrap herself naked in that Red Cross blanket and tweet the episodes, twit by twat, live right from her leather couch.
Kate's off to D.C. with her beard to appear on the only obscure Sirius radio program that would take her after her team sent out e-mails to about 700 other stations begging for a guest spot.
How are the twins doing? ask the unsuspecting interviewers, Molly and Christine. Well, funny you should ask, says Kate--not too well ever since puberty hit! You think buying tampons is expensive for one kid, try time eight!!! And don't even get me started on the panic that ensues when I walk into Victoria Secret with them without so much as a gift card to my name. Cute story, huh? Isn't Mr. Tampon just so cute? Just like my twins' personal lives is cute.
Interesting. So Kate, when did you lose your virginity? Molly and Christine for some God knows why reason want to know. Maybe to prove she is human, who knows. Couldn't they just pull her hair instead and see if she says ow? Anyway, oh heavens to Betsy no I couldn't tell you that, I don't answer personal questions about myself, Kate tells them. Heh.
More nonsense about how she can't be a nurse because a babysitter would cost too much, but she would be willing to work at McDonalds (Mmmm, she could really use a Big Mac right now to chase down all these lies), some impressive re-writing of history when it comes to Sarah Palin and Alaska, even though it's all documented on tape exactly what happened (i.e., she bitched from the minute she got off the plane, thanks Chuck!), and we're done! Normally I wouldn't believe a politician over even Kate, however, since there is actual video footage to back up exactly how Sarah Palin and her adorable dad Chuck said it went down, I'm gonna go with their side of the story and discard Kate's new version.
Gone are the days of a long weekend at Four Seasons and spas with Purse Boy. TLC cut her loose and it's back to the orphanage straight away tonight to serve solitary confinement with the kids. But no worries, Kate has a great idea to soften the blow. Park the kids in front of the T.V. while she enjoys a Twatter party!
This is a VIP event folks, and we're all invited. Honey, cancel those dinner plans, I cannot miss this.
Before we start, let me remind you that Kate has made sure to tell us all weekend long and many times before that her financial life is none of our damn business. Worry about your own bank accounts, k? Although almost all state legislatures have made it pretty clear a parents' (mis) management of their child star's money is the public's business, just don't think about that right now.
The night starts off innocent enough. Lots of high-fiving and Girl, you go, girl, you know it, girl! between Kate and her fans. Kate seems happy. Like a crack addict who just went on a run, exploiting her children gives her a big pick-me-up high.
And, action! The eight little money makers are lined up in a straight line on their marks, chins up, shoulders back, ready to watch A Dolphin Tale. Training for their future careers in black ops? Nope, they just don't want to make a mess of the ..... popcorn. Trying to figure out the logic of this one is like trying to watch a 3-D movie without glasses. It will hurt. Though it will probably take a black operation to ever see their money ever again, so maybe this isn't such a bad idea.
Speaking of 3-D! Did you know Kate has a 3-D T.V.?! And glasses at $100 bucks a pop too. Well, some of the kids get glasses. The girls I presume. The boys I guess have to just use their imaginations. Pretending is fun, boys, come on. Mommy does it all the time with Steve.
As EM says, Kate is financially bipolar. Is she poor, is she rich? Flip a coin. Tonight she is rich-poor, which is a hybrid of the two where you are rich when you want to make sure everyone knows you are better than everyone else, but poor when you don't want to pay for your better-than-everyone-else lifestyle but rather have the sheeple fund it for you via freebies. Kate gets into a pissing match with an unsuspecting fan over why she won't just take these kids to the real movies once in awhile. Her answer: They don't need the movies it's not a childhood requirement. Besides, they got international trips and a 3-D T.V., so STFU!
The unsuspecting fan is like, okay well, I was just saying it might be a nice experience for them, you don't need to get upset.
CUT! No, no, no, says Kate! There will be panic if we go out in public and tried to watch The Lorax together so at least the kids will know what everyone else is talking about at school! STFU, again!
Really, Kate. Panic.
I understand now why Kate's boobs keep inflating themselves. To make room for that ego of hers.
Kate and the fan fight for a few more hours. Later on, Kate is shocked and appalled about this new exploitive show out of Pittsburgh called Dance Moms. This is rather like watching Hitler criticize Stalin. Yes, I hear you on this. Go on, Kate.
Oh, and Kate lets slip she watches The Voice, too. Incidentally, that's three entire viewing hours of primetime T.V. on just Monday and Tuesday. Seems in addition to having to do absolutely nothing all day long, she also has to do absolutely nothing all night long, too. Back to Hitler criticizing Stalin, maybe it might be better to team up? Just like she teamed up with Terri Irwin last year. Mussolini down under over there had great ideas about how to justify exploiting the crap out your children, such as, it helps them with their public speaking skills. Kate so wishes she had thought of that, Terri. You is so smart.
Not content to let the Duggars hog all the spotlight when it comes to making money off unborn fetuses, Kate wants her piece of this new inventive pie. It's time for a very special Twit Plus 8. Kids, go in the other room, you're not ready for this. You see, Kate had a blighted ovum during her pregnancy with the sextuplets. This blighted ovum named Emma Rose, or Hope, or whatever, tragically, was reabsorbed by Kate's body. If I were Emma Rose or Hope and I realized Kate was my mother?
|Emma Rose or Emma Hope, take your pick|
Yeah, I'd reabsorb myself back into her body too. RIP Emma Rose or Hope.
If this episode seemed a little disjointed to you, and well, boring, keep in mind that it was written, produced and directed all by That Twit with nothing but a little moral support from Pizza Boy.
Next time on That Twit Plus 8! Kate hasn't written it yet, but I can promise you this, it will be better than any 3-D movie you could ever afford.