Recap: Kate Plus 8 "Game Night": Mind-mouth! Mind-mouth!

Coming up on Kate Plus 8, in quite possibly one of the dumbest, and incredibly low-budget episode ideas ever, the family gathers around the mismatched cluttered living room for a game night. Only this Trivial Pursuit is all about their own family trivia, which is stupid and narcissistic. This is what the industry calls a bottle episode, an episode that takes place in just one or two locations (the store, and the living room) and usually only involves the main characters (Kate and the kids), usually to save money when the season has gone over-budget. In many cases, though, a bottle episode can be one of the best of the series (see Breaking Bad's "Fly," Dr. Quinn's "To Have and to Hold", which literally is set in a shack the whole time somewhere outside Colorado Springs, and Seinfeld's "The Chinese Restaurant," which takes place not even in the main dining room but entirely in the waiting area, LOL). That's usually because it gives a chance for characters to really develop and actors to play off each other and for writers to stretch themselves without the distraction of car chases, snazzy locations and other special effects in the plot. But here, as expected, it's just dumb.

Best portrayal of game night on film? The Break-up! Mind-mouth, mind-mouth, mind-mouth!

These days everything Kate does seems to warrant a fresh shopping spree at Michael's on the company card. Doesn't she have a closet or at least a bin full of art supplies they could raid for these very sort of events like normal mothers?

After all this time TLC still hasn't fixed their TLCgo player, such that every time you pause it, it starts over. Gaa! It's going to be another long night.

Kate had the idea to do family trivia and puts Mady in charge. Sure, Kate, you had the idea. Mady is always in charge, and it's not fair to the other kids. Mady is sipping a crafted iced drink from Starbucks. Those really add up, Kate. Last episode you were just complaining about not having hired help. One can easily spend a couple hundred dollars a month at Starbucks on drinks for them and their kids. That money might be just enough for a monthly housekeeper. It's the little things you spend your money on that make all the difference.

Mady has morphed into a poor man's Kardashian with that thick layer of doll-like makeup and wavy black hair. As per the usual, the kids are annoyed that Kate is trying to micromanage everything.

This is unnecessarily elaborate to the point where you're in danger of this not being fun, which I thought was the whole point. Now Kate and the twins have to go shopping to get team t-shirts? Cara wants grey t-shirts, which Kate vetoes. Why? There's nothing wrong with grey t-shirts. Talk about not picking your battles.

Kate goes on an equally elaborate explanation as to why the twins talk back to her all the time and are so gosh darn disrespectful. You see that's because Kate has made them feel "safe" to say whatever is on their minds. Haha, that's some fine spin there. I've never seen anything like this. My kids are brats because I have made a safe zone for them to be brats? Heh! What idiot parenting.

Hey, Kate, your kids are disrespectful because they are so disrespected by you, and also, because you don't dare ever put your foot down that the way they speak to you is not appropriate. Honest is not the same thing as being mean. It's not cute, it's not free-thinking, it's certainly not funny in the slightest, and you are setting them up for absolute failure in so many aspects of adulthood I don't know where to begin.

Next they head to what is obviously Target to buy sheets and curtains to make the living room look like a game show set. Huh? Why can't they use what they already have around the house? There's nine people in the house, they should have bedsheets galore. What a waste of money.

After a whole lot of bickering back and forth they finally check out with their cart absolutely brimming with sheets and other junk, to which Kate mutters, "That's an expensive game show," as she swipes the company card. Still way cheaper than another dumb vacation, says the bottom line for this episode. I think it's funny that they won't tell you this is Target, because Target's clunky shopping carts and red decor everywhere are so distinctive you'd have to be really dense not to know where they are.

Just in the episode before this Mady was lamenting how mean the younger kids are, but in this episode, Mady is snapping at everyone and overall being a very unpleasant pill. Kate remarks that she sees a lot of herself in her. I agree, especially the way Mady favors the girls. They at least got to cut some colorful paper, while Aaden was ordered to sit still as a soldier in his chair and don't touch anything. Poor guy, he just takes it. I doubt Kate knew what clip they were going to use when Kate said she sees a lot of herself in Mady, which is funny, because they picked the meanest, bossiest clip ever to match up with Kate's statement. Heh.

Collin makes a sudden appearance. I think we had all speculated this was filmed out of order based on the snow on the ground and no puppies, but deceptively, they don't explain that, leading the dumber fans to believe he's back. As usual, Colin looks fine to me. If anything, he's one of the best behaved of the bunch. He obediently helps decorate his team t-shirt, is quiet and well behaved, and with a huge smile on his face, helps to hit the marker and announces the next segment. It's just so incredibly hard to picture a child with this much ability and self-control, having to be institutionalized.

For some reason TLCgo is pushing endless ads for Oregon tourism, which is odd for a show that takes place in Pennsylvania. Why not put these ads on Little People? They live outside Portland. In any case, Oregon really is an awesome place. I recommend Yachats, if you ever get out there.

The game finally starts. It's sort of a cross between Family Feud and Trivial Pursuit. Hey, did anyone see Saturday Night Live's recent Family Feud skit starring Liza Minelli? "You know, it always feels like someone just freed you from a bubble!" Inspired. Also, I love that they're not afraid to take risks, like going full on Liza Minelli skit with the full knowledge that the bulk of their millennial audience might not even know who she is. I could watch SNL game show parodies all day as opposed to this drivel.

The constant power struggle between Kate and Mady gets exhausting at least for this viewer, and you can tell it wears on all the kids. Kate said Mady could be in charge of Game Night, so let her be. Stop trying to micromanage her! It's a stupid game night, what does it matter? Save it for the important things. "Strike one!" Mady snaps, when Kate tries to name the game. Hm, what happens on strike three? Does Kate leave the show? Pretty please! I guess this is the kind of rude talking back that Kate calls Mady feeling "safe." Heh. Hey, does it feel like Kate's explanation of why the twins talk back, because they feel "safe", could easily be something said in an SNL parody of helicopter 2017 mothers? Lol!

The intern kind of ripped off the Price is Right theme song to compose his own little ditty for the game show. Good one.

Already the rules of this game are annoying and being made up as Mady goes along. Who gets to spin the wheel? And what happens if they both ring in at the same time? And once they're allowed to go consult with their team about the answer, then who gets to go first? Mady wings all of this, and already she's changing up the rules. Aaden is not allowed to answer first because he knocked his bell off (Why not tape the bells down with some gaffer tape? Production is sure to have some.). But Joel knocked his bell off on the first go around, as one of the girls pointed out, so how come he got to answer first last round? Stupid. You're better off getting out Pictionary, reading the rules until you understand them, and going for it. You'll have a great time, I promise.

Great, is every question going to prompt an old boring clip of something? I can't even!

At the end of the day these kids genuinely don't like playing with Kate, I believe them when they say that. Her extreme competitiveness is obnoxious, they explain. Of course it is.

Just as we all said years ago, Alexis reveals that the vast majority of these questions she has no clue about because she doesn't remember the vast majority of the things they have filmed. Mind-mouth it, Alexis! Of course she doesn't remember this shit, she was four.

Mady is favoring Cara's team, laments Kate. Shut up, Kate. Shut up, shut up, shut uppppp!

Speaking of four years old, Alexis sulks like a four-year-old after she forgets to ring the bell when she knew the answer, and Leah wins that question because she remembered to ring. Instead of Kate pulling Alexis aside and telling her to grow up, Kate assures her they are still going to win so don't worry about it.

But, what if they don't win? (Spoiler alert: they don't win) And even if they do win, that doesn't mean you shouldn't sulk because you are going to win anyway. You shouldn't sulk because it's childish and stupid. Good grief.

There's still a good 20 minutes left in this episode not even including ads, are they going to do this boring trivia the whole time? (Spoiler alert: yes) On a positive note, Collin looks happy. He's paying attention, participating, and giggling. It's kind of heartbreaking to think he's about to be sent off to an institution.

Kate's philosophy on parenting which she has said before is that she wants kids to know not everyone wins. That's all well and good, but how about teaching kids that not everything is a competition and that some things you should just let go and not worry about, one of them being a family game. Equally valuable to teach children, I propose, is, it's not worth it. Also, you don't need to "teach" kids note everyone wins. Even if you did everything you could to let them win everything, they would still encounter many times where they would lose at school or at a friend's house. They'll learn. Not everything a child learns about life needs to be micromanaged with such purpose by their parents. Let it be once in awhile.

I swear these kids have been programmed to react "it's not fair!" to everything. Alexis goes into a long explanation about how this is not fair because she can't remember any of these past events. Well, number one, her mother says they all watch the episodes all the time, so if Alexis would watch the episodes, she would know as much as anyone who was actually old enough to remember. And number two, the teams actually are fair, Alexis. Each team has three younger children on them, and one older person. Kate on Alexis's team and Cara on the other. Therefore, each team has one person who can remember that far back. Since everyone else has access to the library of episodes and could have watched them, it actually is fair. Arguably, Alexis's team has a slight advantage, because they have Kate, and these episodes go so far back even Cara is a little young to remember them all. The thing with saying something is not fair is that sometimes, it's totally warranted. But you better make sure it actually is unfair before you pull that card. Otherwise, you're just whining.

Alexis is getting herself so worked up she looks a thread away from bursting into tears. Just mind-mouth it, Alexis! Kate again reassures her they're going to win. Oh for Pete sake! At this point even that comment is trite. Even if they do, Alexis is going to feel like yeah they won but it's no thanks to me. Sheesh. That being said, some people just aren't good at trivia, at remembering random useless facts. I'm not the biggest trivia person myself. I remember big picture things more than nuances, and I forget dates and names easily even if I could tell you everything else about what happened. Eventually I'm usually able to recall most things, but I'm not able to do so under the pressure of two or three seconds to draw the information up. So, for someone that just doesn't have a knack for trivia, playing trivia games just isn't fun, I can attest. Still, in life you will now and again end up playing games you don't like. You just have to deal with it and get through it, it'll be over soon. Why doesn't Kate reassure Alexis that not everyone is good at trivia and it's okay, that there are many other things Lex excels at?

Cupcake gate was okay because the kids now laugh about it, explains Kate. Nope, the fact that you laugh later at something does not make it okay in that moment, Kate. For example, Life is Beautiful is a film about an Italian-Jewish prisoner who makes other concentration camp prisoners smile despite their absurd situation. It doesn't make the gas chambers, or shall I say holocaust centers, okay. It's just a way to cope. Does it occur to her the only way the kids can compartmentalize a very upsetting moment in their childhood is to just laugh? Strike two, say I! The kids laugh about cupcake-gate daily, claims Kate. Well, that sounds healthy.

Not the Hannah pooped thing again, let this poor child be!

Because Kate is nuts, she then proceeds to go on some random spiel about how this wasn't about winning. But she just spent the first half of this episode reassuring Lex that they would win, and, she wrote on her team shirt "Who's your winner!" so WTF! She's certifiable.

Clearly the producers put together all these questions, they are starting to get really specific and elaborate, one even has a photo they are to identify (of the turtle hatching).

Mady snaps at Kate that Kate doesn't get to call it when they can go back to their team and discuss the answer. Only Mady can call discussions. I think that's strike three!

Who said, This is awkward? Mady asks. I'm surprised I didn't remember who said that until they show the clip of Kate's staged date with Vann where as soon as she meets the poor guy, she blurts out what she is thinking, "this is awkward." Ohhh, yeah! Lol! Dating tip number one, it will be awkward on the first date, but for God sake, don't say it's awkward! 

A very bizarre fight erupts, spearheaded by Leah, who says it's unfair to ask about that episode, which aired in January 2016, because they haven't seen it. I thought they all gather around the boob tube together, holding hands and singing about harmony, to watch these episodes as they air, as Kate paints the picture. Then, even more oddly, Leah blurts out several times that Kate won't let them watch. I'm confused, won't let them watch any episodes, or just the date episode? Kate denies this, saying it's on the TV, go watch it. But why would Leah say that if it had no basis in fact? Really weird exchange there with little explanation of the backstory, leaving my rather curious what that's all about. Did Kate at some point not want them to watch the dating episode, and if so, why not? Was it because the kids know how fake it was? This almost deserves a Reddit conspiracy thread.

I'm struck by the sharp contrast between Kate's contrived relationship with Vann, and Little People, Big World, where both Amy and Matt are in real relationships with new people now. I'm not sure I know how to feel about Amy's boyfriend Chris. Something about me thinks something is off there. And the kids seem a little wary too, which is important to note since they would know. He claims he's happy to be with her, but when after six months she very gently tries to press him on demonstrating a little commitment, he won't agree to anything. Does he even call her his girlfriend, because I haven't heard him say so. He's in his 50's, what is he waiting for at this point? But, I am genuinely convinced it's a real relationship, organic, would happen cameras or not. I just think Amy is going to end up terribly hurt by that guy when he decides on a whim, eh, I'm gonna move on now. In any case, because it's so real, it makes for much better T.V. than Kate's stupid blind date.

Cara's team starts to pull away, and Kate's team starts to get bored because it actually is all about winning for everyone in this room.

Kate dresses up as a clown with a pink wig and passes out popcorn like she did for one of their early birthdays. The kids find her mortifying. Kate thinks she's hilarious.

Once in awhile they show a clip that's not mind-numbingly boring, but rather interesting, this one because of its foreshadowing. In this one they show Kate engaging in a battle of wills with 5-year-old Mady, insisting that Kate must hold her hand on a decidedly not busy New York City sidewalk. Mady is not two, she is five, and perfectly capable of walking alongside her parents without having to hold their hand like a baby. But Kate insists. And what's worse, argues the point with the poor kid, giving her false hope this is a negotiation. It's that kind of repeated, tenacious refusal to give up any control over your child, that breeds a teen like Mady ten years later. Mady woke up one day, probably at age about 13 or 14, and realized she could actually be in control from now on, and it's been misery ever since.

Kate, who says she doesn't care if they win, is sulking and going on about how some question and answer was unfair. I'm too bored to try to figure out why she said that. "That's wrong!" Kate, who doesn't care about winning, gleefully shouts out when the other team misses a question. "I really wanted to win," says Kate. But she just said she didn't care! Brother, she is such a nut job.

Kate announces the prizes toward the end of the game. The winning team picks the takeout and the losers clean up. Sounds like she made that up on the fly. I know that's not that big of a deal as prizes go, but something about that feels very dysfunctional, and I think it breeds unhealthy competition, and bitterness. Why can't they just finish the game and that's it, without this unhealthy focus on winners and losers? How about decide take-out on a majority vote, or rotate who chooses the takeout fairly each time?

More dumb questions and bickering. The only thing interesting that happens is somebody says Kate thinks she's funny, but she's not. Pretty much!

Collin, who apparently has such special needs that he needs to be institutionalized, is the only one to correctly identify and name the liberty bell, in Philadelphia. He gets both the landmark and the city. Whatever, Kate. Where is he?

Cara's team wins, and Cara calls the other team "losers." Sigh.

Of note, this recap took me several weeks to finish because I broke up the chore as I had time to do it. At the beginning of the writing, the TLCgo app was doing its usual crap. But I think the interns may have tweaked the code, because today, it's running much better. It doesn't restart all over when I pause it, and the commercials don't pop up every time I try to move the slider. Thank you, interns! Finally!

It was so much more fun than she thought it could be, remarks Kate. She's said something like that before, and I find that kind of comment odd and kind of mean. Why wouldn't being with your family and talking about the fun things you've done together be just great? Why would it surprise you to have such fun with your family? Weird!

Kate, you're the only loser here.

Recap: Kate Plus 8 "Sweet 16": Mady turns 16. Cara picks lint.

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. Mady turns 16. Cara picks lint.

They show a lot of sweet photos and clips of the girls growing up, some I don't remember seeing before. You would almost be fooled into thinking this is a nice family with twins with no screaming and hollering going on. This is a time for Kate to reflect all about herself.  Ultimately Kate doesn't worry about the twins because she knows they will make good decisions. Kind of like their decision not to see their father?

Kate gives the girls Gator driving lessons. Wait, I swear the kids were driving the Gator a year ago when they first got this. Now they get lessons?

Like so many other teens I've encountered these days, oddly, Mady doesn't really care much about getting her license. Kind of a, I'll get it when I get it attitude. She doesn't go anywhere really except school and home. Sad.

My theory on this, and it's totally a theory, is that kids today are so much better connected with their peers than we were as kids, and therefore, don't feel that compelling drive (I can make dumb puns too just like Kate) to get behind the wheel and hit the road. We had to learn to drive, because there was no texting or iPhones, and when we called Ashley's house on the good ole fashioned telephone, we either got the answering machine, or were told by her slightly annoyed mother, sorry she can't talk now she's doing her homework/at scouts/at soccer/practicing the trumpet/being punished. I never met a teen in my class who wasn't gunning to drive. We had to get going behind the wheel to drive to each other or risk never connecting with each other again outside the hours of 7:30am to 2:30pm. A 2017 kid can text Ashley, FaceTime, instagram and snapchat her, and get instant feedback from Ashley, and therefore doesn't feel as compelled to get in the car and drive somewhere to meet up with Ashley. The need teens have is simply to connect to peers and exchange feedback. It's clear that connection doesn't have to be in person just so long as they're getting a lot of it and it's instant. I like my theory, personally.

What does "over-start" the gator mean? I don't understand over-start. This has to be fake, Mady driving into the plants. Or Mady is driving erratically purposely for attention.

Cara says the most she has said all season, in that she actually used to think she would like to get her license because she would like to be able to drive herself over to Lancaster (where their school is) for lacrosse and such, but then she found out that apparently, she is not going to ever be allowed to drive that far. Forbidden by Kate, presumably. And therein lies one of the stupidest reasons ever to send them to a private school so far away. It's too far. So many of us warned that this commute was going to be a beast, especially when they got older and had to get themselves to school more often and for longer days and establish a group of friends over on that side of town that they want to see outside of school or even sometimes have to see, for school projects and study groups. And there it is. And sadly, Cara is losing out on valuable practice time behind the wheel while she is still under an adult's supervision. Practice time that is crucial and can be the difference between a teen ending up in a horrific accident before they are 20, or getting through the most dangerous years on the road unscathed. A public school or even a private school five to ten miles away would be close enough to make most parents comfortable with their child driving that distance, while still giving them practice time on the road. A shame.

I really don't know how much value a driving lesson on a Gator is to driving a real car in real traffic. They'll be ready to whiz around their retirement neighborhood in Florida someday, but little else.

Moving on to planning the party, Kate and Mady fight endlessly over ideas they're looking at on their MacBooks. Looks like Pinterest. Mady hates all of Kate's ideas for the party. In this case, since we know Kate has no style or taste, I'm thinking we have nothing to lose leaving this to Mady. Kate keeps trying to micromanage this, while Mady obviously would prefer to make the calls and is proud to plan it herself. Mady is sixteen years old. At this age, couldn't her mother just give her a budget to spend, a couple hundred bucks or whatever, and let her do this on her own? Mady wants to, she gets enjoyment out of party planning, and it's good for a child this age to take on such a major responsibility. And if Mady slips up and forget something important like the forks, then so be it. That's part of learning how to plan things responsibly, a life skill.

Three days before the party they're meeting with a baker about the cake? That's cutting it awfully close. I don't buy that. This episode feels more staged than usual.

Cara is really resisting helping to plan, won't give an opinion on anything, and doesn't even really want a party. She sounds self-conscious and reserved, easily embarrassed, which is normal for many teens that age. It's funny, because some teens like Mady want nothing but attention, to be the star of the high school play. Others want just the opposite, and would be mortified to have to go on stage or anything of the like. That was me, and I remember that feeling where you were embarrassed even to say you preferred chocolate cake over vanilla. God knows where that comes from but thankfully most teens outgrow it. It seems like teens are usually one extreme or the other. What doesn't make any sense is why a reserved teen would want anything to do with filming. My hunch is, she sure as hell doesn't and is being forced to comply, so she resists in any way she can, including refusing to say much on the couch or cooperate with things like party planning.

Mady has bullied her way into holding the reins here, which is what you have to do when your mother is Kate. Heh, I like how much it bothers Kate to have no say in things. Like watching someone who can't reach an itch in the middle of their back.

Another shopping trip to some kind of craft store. Kate says something like Mady wants to control things for the sake of controlling them, whatever that means. And doesn't that really more aptly describe Kate? This conversation about how Mady and Kate disagree over how to decorate for the party feels like it's going on hours. I can't anymore.

Finally they take two full carts of booty to the checkout for the company credit card, plus some Junior Mints. I always get flashbacks to that classic show Supermarket Sweep when I watch Kate shop on the company card. She tossed those Junior Mints into the cart like they are the special bonus item of the day worth $150. You should always focus on going after the bonus items and make sure to grind the coffee and get the frozen yogurt first. Don't be a fool wasting time on the turkeys, that's for chumps. Such a good show.

The day of the birthday, Kate is running around the house in a total panic. She starts taking out salmon for 20-30 salmon burgers and laments about how it's supposed to be foggy and rainy and this will ruin everything. Well, you planned a birthday party for the outdoors in Pennsylvania in October. Odds are the weather will stink. Why on earth didn't you have a Plan B you could easily turn to, like, I don't know, move the party to inside the house if the weather is bad? She really is a helpless twelve-year-old.

I'm kind of speechless at this next part because it's just so nuts on every level. Kate calls up her "friends" Chrissy and Todd. Remember them? They own the beef jerky place they agreed to be promoted on the sextuplets' birthday episode. Kate knows they have some kind of party room at their store, whatever that means, calls them up, and asks them if they could have the twins'  party at their store due to the weather. I think that's such an incredible thing to ask of someone at the last minute that I'm embarrassed. And remember, she's not just asking them to have 20-30 people over, but also to bring in a whole film crew to their store and film there. Wha? Why not just have it at the Mcmansion, inside? What's the point in buying a mansion like this if you don't have room indoors for a simple party of 20-30 people? Plus, hauling all the party crap they bought to a different location is a huge chore. Shaking my head.

And what are the odds that Chrissy and Todd just happened to be available that very afternoon to have 20-30 people over last minute? Don't most normal families with kids usually have plans over the holiday weekend? Like I said, this episode feels staged. I think all along they were going to have it at Chrissy and Todd's if it rained.

Kate quickly realizes a location change is a logistical nightmare. Of course it is. The kids are upset at how stressed out she is, as they should be. Even Mady, who sometimes can bring the drama, is like, what is the big freaking deal? We have a location now, the food is being cooked as we speak, it doesn't matter. Why on earth didn't she make the salmon the day before? That easily could have been done yesterday, it'll keep. Or pick some other food you can make the day before. Or heaven forbid order a bunch of pizzas and make it easy on yourself. Kate does this purposely I'm convinced, intentionally makes things as difficult as possible on herself. It's a martyr complex, maybe.

Ha, when Kate goes on about how she can't just show up at the party in work clothes and no makeup, Mady says no one is going to care if she's not there. Uh, actually, that's true. This is a party for 16-year-old girls, not their mothers. Nobody will notice whose mother is where or when. You just don't care at that age. Kate randomly launches into a bizarre rant looking straight into the camera, globs of sweat dotting her forehead, about how she does not have a nanny or housekeeper or hired help. Number one, yes you do, and it's all on film. Number two, grow up, Kate. If you don't have a nanny or housekeeper at the moment, get one. You can afford it. That's not our fault you allegedly don't have help that day for whatever reason. And she doesn't even need to pay people to not be so overwhelmed with this party. If one had friends and family, one could ask their best friends, their sister and sister-in-laws, their mother, and so on, to come on over. Something tells me the likes of women she has discarded like Beth and Jodi would have been all too happy to come over and help out today. And what about Jon? It's her choice not to get along with him for one day and put on a party together for the children they made together when they were once in love. Lots of divorced couples do this for their children all the time. Unfortunate.

Mady has to point out to Kate that a party is supposed to be fun. Making salmon burgers, party planning, picking up flowers, is all supposed to be fun. You might be confused who is the adult and who is the child here, but Kate is supposed to be the adult. There's so much yelling and whining about the stupidest things, I cannot even imagine growing up in this house. You know what's interesting is that over and over Kate has emphasized how she just wants this to be perfect on this special day which is why she's having a meltdown, and over and over Mady and even Cara have told her that it's okay. Maybe the twins didn't articulate it quite clearly so doofus could understand it, but I'm not getting the impression at all the twins are demanding this be "perfect." They just want to have a good time and be with their friends. Kate doesn't listen or pay attention to what her children are saying or what they really need. If she did, she would understand that what's far more important to the twins and all her children is that this day is chill and happy. "Perfect" is not what anybody else is after but doofus here. In fact if she would breathe for a second, she would realize that sometimes the most imperfect things make the best memories. The laugh you had when the icing stuck to the lid of the cake box, how muddy everyone got splashing in puddles when the party got rained on, the way Auntie's car wouldn't start when it was time to leave and she had to spend the night and you stayed up late with popcorn and a Disney movie with her. The best memories are often made in life's little hiccups and imperfections, aren't they?

I don't think it's unfair to say that Kate has ruined so many special things for her children like birthdays with her insanity, and this 16th birthday is no exception.

By the way, the house is incredibly cluttered. Random papers, bins, gadgets sitting out, all kinds of miscellaneous stuff. You couldn't even sit at the dining room table if you wanted to. It's always like this, not just before parties. You know, it's not a capital offense to be cluttered, but sometimes, it can contribute to a stressful household, especially if there is already so much stress there already. Everyone might feel a lot better if she would just put stuff away.

Kate thinks that Mady being so parentified by comforting her lunatic mother is "adorable." Oh, brother.

Where's Colin? Just saying.

So, back to the beef jerky change-up, how are they going to make sure 20-30 people know about this sudden location change? Who worked up the permits for this so fast, and what are the odds that the jerky place just happened to be totally available today on a holiday weekend? This is more fake than ever, not that this show isn't fake to begin with.

Nothing happens during this next part except a dress got steamed for a child who doesn't appreciate what a pain that is, and the twins call Kate "Mother" again. I love when they do that.

Kate says the younger children can't come to the party because there is not enough space in the venue. I don't have a problem with that. No teenager wants their kid brothers and sisters at their party. They can do a more intimate family party later and include the sextuplets. What I find hilarious, though, is that Kate just went on a tirade letting us know that contrary to popular belief she does not have a nanny! So who the heck stayed with the younger kids last minute while Kate and the twins were gone? They're a little young to be left by themselves all afternoon. If only to make sure someone is after them to do their homework and that no one burns the house down making grilled cheese.

Kate sure has a sudden group of old friends from various places like lamaze class of all things. Who are all these seemingly nice, down-to-earth people and their pretty daughters and why doesn't Kate contact them when she's feeling so overwhelmed to help her out? Does she not understand this is what a good girlfriend would be happy to do, help out their overwhelmed friend? Is she afraid if she asks for help she'll be asked to return the favor at some point? Or are these people really not all that close friends perhaps? Does she just like the drama and martyrdom of doing it without help? She had no problem letting Jon do it all. So many questions in this episode, and no answers.

Another complaint about TLCgo. Halfway through this episode, about now, when they were showing more endless ads, their ad for Amazon prime froze the rest of the video. Thinking it a glitch, I refreshed it. Went through all the ads again, because they make you, and the Amazon prime froze the darn thing again! After giving it one more try to the same results, I switched over to a bootleg copy found on Youtube. TLCgo is a hot mess. Take it down and re-write the code because it's garbage.

Some marginally handsome dude named Ronnie shows up. Maybe in his late 20's. Kate identifies him as their hair stylist and dear friend from NYC. They have a lot of dear friends who don't actually live in their town, don't they? Both the twins absolutely adore him. Maybe it's me, but this lovey-dovey relationship seems a little odd. I'm all for kids having older mentors, but the hair stylist? I think I would feel better about it if I knew they also had people in their lives they ran to like that like a grandma, or an Aunt Jodi, or a special Sunday school teacher or scout leader. Their circle is just not rounded out with the normal people one would expect a child to really adore and look up to, and it's strange and unfortunate. This guy is not going to be there for these kids through thick and thin as they go through life, like a relative or other close friend would be. It's fun now because he's just starting his career and befriending celebrity families, but he'll settle in soon and realize he has no time for this latching on nonsense and move on.

Mady lets loose that Ronnie was the best surprise ever, except for her laptop. So, she got a laptop for her birthday? This family can finagle a hair stylist and a laptop for a birthday present but not basic day-to-day hired help? Huh.

Back at the ranch, Kate sends an ice cream food truck to pay the younger kids a visit because she felt guilty they couldn't be at the party. Is this for real? The cost of a private food truck visit is outrageous. The way this woman pisses away money then turns around and complains she lacks basic rich people things like a housekeeper, is bizarre. 

This next part has a huge back story to it that I'm only going to summarize ever so briefly, in part because I don't even remember all the details of it, but folks can feel free to elaborate on it in the comments. And that is guess who is watching the kids? A fan! A creepy one too! This is so f-ed up! She's known around these parts as Brownie. On this blog there is a wealth of information about her and her creepy antics that goes back, I'm not even joking, until at least 2011. I did a quick google search of the blog for her, and found some posts to highlight about her. One, from an old poster Red Sky at Night, was talking about how Brownie was incessantly tweeting Kate about meeting up, having coffee with her, seeing NYC with her, and that Kate would just ignore her. And then there were the posts and posts about the expired cereal incident, as explained by good ole poster No Regrets, who said Brownie was going on and on about how she only spent 95 cents a box instead of five bucks, and 21 boxes were for Kate. "Just reading that woman is exhausting," remarked No Regrets. LOL!

I guess crazy as she sounds on twitter, Brownie actually has a legitimate job in real life as an art teacher. (Allegedly. I mean, I could say I'm an art teacher, too. Doesn't make it so.) But how in the holy f--- did she end up not only on this show but watching the kids alone??? How do you go from, I'm a creepy pest on Twitter, to, and now I'm the babysitter left alone with the kids?! What a hot mess. John Lennon, Kate. Jodi Foster. Rebecca Schaeffer. Wake the F up.

Also, another big fat clue that this whole "rained out birthday party oh noooes!" was all staged? How did Kate so quickly set up an art teacher to come stay with the sextuplets and arrange for a food truck to swing by? Gimme an ever loving break. I also find it to be an absolutely glaring omission that Kate doesn't mention, oh by the way, Brownie is just a fan I met on twitter. She paints a rosy picture like this is some art teacher perhaps from school or they met at scouts, and that's just nonsense, a lie. If you're going to be so unbelievably stupid as to allow your fans to have unfettered access to your children like this, at least be honest about it. Also, who thinks Brownie has been angling for a role on this show for years? I betchya a whole lot of DM's were exchanged before this finally happened. This really takes the cake brownie!

Creepy Brownie fan is in the bathroom with Aaden, washing off paint from his face. Good Lord. At least she's a teacher, allegedly, so at least we know someone, somewhere, has done some kind of background check on her at some point, one hopes.

I think this was the episode that got decent ratings out of the rest of the dismal season, and I kind of see why now. It's actually a tiny bit interesting in that it's so....unbelievably.....insane.

The twins lament that the younger kids can say very mean and nasty things. The twins are just as nasty, so I don't really think they should talk.

I can't stand when adults totally exaggerate a child's accomplishments. Brownie calls the actually somewhat messy paint job the kids did on picture frames for the twins "phenomenal." No, it was mostly just mediocre, not even close to phenomenal. And, a lot of the kids were goofing off, messing around during the project, which is not good behavior when one is trying to focus and paint something nice for their sisters. I daresay some of them didn't even try, and Brownie isn't about to be hard on them lest she mess up this once in a lifetime gig. Even some of the kids admit they stink at painting. In any case, a "good job" is sufficient and doesn't give kids an inflated sense of their own crappy skills. Next thing you know you've got some delusional kid setting his sights on majoring in the arts when at best all he can throw together is an ugly finger painting.

Swish back to the Pinterest party. Salmon burgers, and, pesto spaghetti? That's interesting. I'm all for kids getting to pick what they would like to eat on their birthday, but out of courtesy to their many guests, they should have offered something else too almost everyone will eat and enjoy, like your standard marinated chicken strips, or a pizza. Their combo is too weird to appeal to many people, and it's rude to only offer that. At the end of the day Kate is still as rude and inconsiderate as ever, unable to think and realize that their menu is bizarre and not appealing to many.

Oh I just LOVE when Kate gets caught in the lie. Remember how she insisted for years that she really needed to sign up for filming so that their memories could be video taped? Well now she says she filmed almost every moment of the twins when they were babies herself. This was long before the show, remember. So, if it was no problem to film it all yourself, every moment of it, why does one need a camera crew in the first place? What a liar.

Kate herself, she claims at the request of the twins, put together a bunch of clips of the girls from when they were babies to show at the party. It ended up being half an hour. Mady and Cara say on the couch that they actually asked Kate to make a video montage for them only, not to show at the party to everyone, but Kate twisted their request all around. And they said the video was an hour. Yikes. Wouldn't a much better idea be to have this video playing on a loop in the background throughout the party? I've seen that at birthday parties, weddings, and anniversaries, and it works well. That way no one feels obligated to sit down and hush up through a big long montage of boring home videos, but people can still watch and enjoy them throughout the party on their own terms. The way Kate structured it, this film brought the party to an awkward, screeching halt.

The guests are extraordinarily polite, sitting there acting engaged and interested in this very long drawn out boring home video. Oh, there's her stupid "The Gosselin Twins" sign she tacked to the twins' stroller, the very first flicker we ever had of what her ambitions really were. She says that patriotic decorated stroller was part of a competition and she won. She took the competition very seriously, so much so that she blackened the windows of their garage so no one could see her working on the project. Yes Kate, other competitors are going to illegally sneak onto your property peer through garage windows and try to get a peek at your lame decorations and then steal the idea. That's not psycho thinking at all. But yet another fascinating glimpse into how she is wired and how she sees the world.

Kate seems embarrassed at how she looks in this videos. She looks a little dated, sure, with that stupid headband and the tucked in solid colored blouses, but it was 2001, what do you expect? (Hey, how crazy is it that how we all looked in 2001, the year of 9-11, seems so dated now?) Other than that I think she looks young, fresh, normal, and decidedly un-plastic, untouched by the downside of fame and fortune. In short, I think the woman looked good in 2001. Sad she doesn't see it.

I hate when Kate speaks for all mothers. No, not all mothers want their kids to go back to being babies. Some mothers actually enjoy the different stages of their children's lives as they happen, one to the next, and don't constantly long for them to be nine months old. Sheesh.

Kate is really putting huge emotional burdens on the twins about them turning 16. It's a big deal, sort of yes, but it's not that big of a deal. Graduation and going off to college are way worse, how on earth will she handle that?

As they light the candles on the cute cake, Kate proceeds to rattle off 16 things she loves about the twins, which she admits she didn't prepare. That's too many things not to prepare, what a lazy doofus. She ends up saying stupid stuff like I love that you didn't light yourself on fire lighting the candles. Dolt.

These guests are one in a million listening to all this so politely, but I can see a glimmer of impatience finally breaking their smiles. No doubt at some point, the 16-year-old guests would like to hang out and laugh and party with their 16-year-old friends and have this stop being all about Kate.

Thinking back to all the Sweet 16 parties I went to as a kid and I never remember the mothers being so front and center. I don't begrudge adults who have been in their lives wanting to be here for the party, but for goodness sake, have a separate area for the adults so the kids can have some space to enjoy the party just among themselves. As I recall for my 16th, I had a bunch of girlfriends spend the night undisturbed by the adults. Then later on that weekend I had a party for family--immediate family, grandparents from both sides, cousins local to the area, and close family friends. Separating it out like that gives a 16 year old a chance to really just be with their friends, which is so important at that age, while still making sure this event can be marked by family, too. There are so many quick and easy compromises like that Kate could take that she never does.

The party is finally over and Mady says now they're going to go make smores on the deck. Please tell me they will finally be able to do something without all the adults there. Wait, I thought it was raining and they couldn't do things outside?

The twins were very appreciative and sincere about creepy Brownie's art projects the younger kids made, so that was a relief. It's sad when every time someone in this family does something nice for someone else, I brace for impact waiting for the other person to say something rude or ungrateful or otherwise blow them off.

Mercifully, it looks like the girls are having their bonfire without any adults. What a massive relief, finally!

Kate claims the twins thanked her for days and days afterwards. And days. I don't find that representative of how truly grateful they are. Rather it's a red flag that children are fearful that their gratitude is not sinking in with their parent, or that they are otherwise on pins and needles with that parent, and so they do things like that over and over to ensure the parent is appeased. It's a sign of insecurity and dysfunction, Kate.

We close with some more old clips to fill up the rest of the time. Ha, the editors snuck in an old clip of Mady in an Em Tanner shirt. Hey-ya, Em!

Kate doesn't know if she really deserves to be their mother. Nope, she doesn't. See ya next time for the season finale.

Recap: Kate Plus 8 ''Blind Date": Realitytvkids.com dating tips and more!

Coming up on The Bachelorette! Er, I mean Kate Plus 8.

Hanger on Deanna is playing the role of the well-meaning but completely misguided friend who wants to set you up, which is just a front for the producers going through a couple hundred head shots and picking this guy out. His first meeting with Kate is awkward, explains Kate. Made more awkward still by Deanna being right there in the middle introducing them like it's 6th grade. Deanna tells hot-stuff that Kate has eight kids. I kind of feel like that's something you should mention to the guy before you set him up with her. It's not an insignificant detail that you can get into later, like you prefer Netflix and chill on the weekends, or you can drive stick shift. And can't you just meet outside Starbucks with instructions that say hey I'm the guy in the green hat and you're the girl with the polka dot skirt, like normal blind dates?

Mr. Swipe Right is cute if I may say so! He unbuttons not one but two of his shirt buttons. He waxes his chest. He drinks out of little tiny tea cups.

Kate claims she has gone on a handful of dates since the divorce. Heh, no she hasn't. Kate is quite vague about how Deanna knows Vann, because she knows him mostly from his head shot, but his resume sounds good. He went to Annapolis (good heavens!). I think it's absolutely f--ing hilarious that as Kate is explaining all this, they show a photo of her with her BFF Jamie. As we know, the running joke, or maybe even truth, is that Kate's relationship with Jamie might not always have been platonic. They have admitted they've slept in the same bed, and there are a number of bootleg photos circling out there for years showing them acting very huggy-kissy. That is truly brilliant editing and has to be intentional. It just has to be. We get the joke, Vann's really just auditioning as Kate's beard. Buh-bum--ching!

More and more Kate has been appearing on camera without a stitch of make-up on, which is not what I would expect from someone like her. Deanna's coming down from New York and will do Kate's hair and make-up and take her up to New York for the date. Who's going to watch the kids? And don't they know the cardinal rule of first dates, the guy should come to her? 

They're doing a wha-what???? A helicopter ride? Well, what the heck, on my last date I only got some Thai food and a game of corn hole.

I don't trust a damn thing Kate says about what the kids have said about this date so I'm just going to ignore her recap of what she claims they said and cut straight to the kids. They're old enough to speak for themselves. Mady says with quite a bit of sass it's good for Kate to date and find a husband so she won't die alone. Heh, well that's one reason to find companionship. Meanwhile the younger kids think she's far too old to date. I love how when you're a kid 40 feels like 80, and 20 is at best, 40. Conversely, the older you get the younger people look, right? I can still remember being a freshman in college and how old and important I felt, but look at freshmen now and they are absolute babies. Goo-goo-gaa-gaa babies! Perception is so interesting. All in all none of these kids seem to mind her going on a date. Most of them are at best indifferent, and those who do care actually seem pretty selfless about this, just wanting Kate to find somebody. They see their father dating and happy, surely they have learned by now watching a parent move on and date is not that big of a deal. Anyway, I enjoy how all this flies right in the face of the sheeple, who have claimed all along Kate doesn't date for the good of her children. No, Kate doesn't date because she can't get a date, doesn't know how to get a date, is a child exploiter, opportunist and narcissist that would not make a wise partner for most men so most men avoid her, kids or no kids.

There is a very, very long segment about some of the kids helping her pick out clothes. It goes on forever.

Isn't Deanna a 40-year-old single woman? What does she know about what one should wear on their first, second or third dates? The second date should be business-like? Wtf? Deanna, that's how you find yourself 40 and single. No one wants to feel like they're meeting up with you to sign a contract, second date or not. Dating tip: Don't trust dating advice from hopelessly single friends.

At the end of this painfully long segment Kate chooses a boring but sensible little black dress.

Deanna provides a very vague story about how she's known Vann for many months (ever since she first saw his headshot), he's handsome and hard working, and would make a good match for Kate. I guess if you're looking for opposites attract you're right on the money.

Kate says one thing that I think is very true, in that having kids makes getting a date harder.  Jon has not had a problem finding dates, but Jon is not nearly as socially awkward, uptight and negative. He sends out good, friendly vibes, and he gets girlfriends, and they seem to accept his children without question. Jon could have six toes on each foot, scales for skin, and a big hairy mole on the tip of his nose, and he'd still always have a girlfriend. For some people dating, and life, comes easier.

I couldn't agree with Kate more, before she should even waste her time, or for that matter his, I think it's very important to let your date know you have eight kids. For some strange reason Deanna feels it's best to hide this fact. That's just plain silly, and can I say rude? If I know I don't want to take on a partner with eight kids no matter how nice they are, I'd appreciate you not waste my time by withholding this information. Putting myself in Vann's shoes, all kinds of thoughts would be running through my head if that information were kept from me for too long. Before they're even out of the gate bad-advice-Deanna is helping Kate to create some major red flags for her date. Good job.

As Deanna does Kate's make-up, Deanna and Kate have a long and conceited conversation about how there's no way on this planet Vann cannot recognize Kate, I mean this is Kate we're talking about here, although Deanna hasn't gotten into who she is with Vann yet. For goodness sake, she's Kate Gosselin, not Gandhi. What Deanna did say is that she told him she's a hot blonde. Kate instructs her to keep applying make-up. Heh, good one, Kate!

Kate seems to be of the mindset that a parent must be 100% focused on their kids and someday when they are grown they can think about themselves again. There are quite a few parents who would disagree with that helicopter-parenting philosophy. This also is Kate's not-so-subtle way to get in a dig at Jon, who has nurtured romantic relationships and friendships alike all along, in addition to being a good father to his children. Not only is it not healthy for you for the rest of your life to come to a screeching halt when you are a parent, but it's not good for your children. Watching a parent in healthy relationships with other people male and female is how children learn to model healthy relationships of their own. It also sends an important message to children that the world doesn't revolve around them. I've known a lot of kids whose parents don't do absolutely anything but be parents, and the kids often end up spoiled. Eventually this approach leaves parents with a crippling sense of emptiness as children grow up and develop other interests outside their parents, which happens sooner rather than latter.

Plus, Kate's kids are way too old to need her attention at all hours of the day. She should be able to find plenty of time while they are at school or with friends to look after herself and develop some interests of her own and welcome other people into her life. Moreover, she has shown time and time again she is very much about herself as much as she is about her kids, and she has spent untoward amounts of time away from them over the years, so she can stop with the martyrdom. Let's be honest, she uses her kids to cover for her inability to get a date, that's the plain truth of it. They're a convenient excuse for her as they often are.

Commercials. We're back, and Kate says goodbye to the kids. I don't see anyone around who looks like a nanny. Her limo pulls up. Seriously, a limo? Could this be any more 1-percenter? I really struggle to grasp how most of her fans relate to this. Also, isn't she at all worried about the first impression that's going to leave on her date? I.e., snob? She lives how she thinks rich people live, but most rich people do not go around taking limos everywhere much less on just a date. At most, they might valet their own car once they get to the venue, but a limo is ridiculous and even the rich know it.

The producer asks the boys how it feels to watch their mom leave for a date. I find that question extremely prying and more appropriate for a therapist to ask, but nonetheless the boys seem genuinely indifferent, they're just like the little birdie finally flew the nest. Ha, the 24/7 D.C. eagle cam is 100 times more interesting than this family, sorry boys.

Mady doesn't understand why Kate is so nervous about dating. She says something about how if you want to be nervous over this, meaning herself, that's on you. I don't know whether to find that comment funny or self-absorbed.

Kate and Deanna have a boring conversation about how Kate's nervous and is hot. Deanna asks about her dating days before marriage. Ohhhh, now we're getting into something interesting. Of course Kate won't even give up any interesting information that's already out there anyway. I'm thinking of that story about her old high school boyfriend and how she was living with him. There was a tabloid interview with him years ago, as I recall. Kate claims her high school class was so tiny there wasn't much dating and her guy friends were more like brothers. Heh, that never stopped anyone before, have you read/been traumatized by Flower in the Attic?! 

You know what's head-scratching? There's a way for her to tell the story of her past in a way that is respectful to the men she's been with while still deliciously interesting. I mean it was 20 years ago, it's not like she's dishing on yesterday's boyfriend. Instead she makes this conversation about as boring as a ham sandwich, claiming she never ever would dream of dating. But the truth is so much more engaging and would make for a much more interesting episode. She just doesn't get it.

Last time Kate dated there were pagers. Heh, yep, and cell phones that made your arm ache if you talked too long. Everyone complains about dating these days but dating was rough back then too.

Oh, finally they show their clearly full-time nanny Andrea, who can smile. I knew she had it in her. Took Kate going out of state to bring that out of her. Glad there is adult supervision here. They're making pizzas, and it's boring. Ha, Joel outs Kate by saying it's Kate's first date. I thought Kate just said she's had a handful of dates. No she hasn't, and her kids say so. I love that the kids are finally old enough to tell us what's really going on here. Her gaslighting days are over.

Mady explains that a first date is really just about assessing whether the guy is a serial killer. Holy smokes, Mady is spot on there. Yes, first things first.

Dating tip: Just pay the $29.99 and do the background check. Here, I'll pay it for you for gosh sakes.

More nosey questions from the producers, most of them I feel like they've already asked six different ways, but the sum of it all is that for the umpteenth time the kids are just fine with Kate dating if not even getting married. Why are so many of the kids concerned she'll progress too fast in this relationship before letting them meet the guy? Several say they really want to meet him and would be upset if they didn't. Exactly what I have been saying for years, many children want to meet and be involved in their parents' new relationships. They actually feel left out if you try to shelter them from it in some misguided attempt to protect them.

Andrea says it's a school night, which is just an interesting tidbit. Seems to me getting ready for school should be the priority, not filming. Stock "Italian" music as they eat the pizza. $1.99 on iTunes.

Deanna and Kate say they're excited to have an adult conversation for once, without talking about vocab words. Oh, Deanna, stop it. Geez, how do you think Andrea feels, she's the one actually taking care of these kids day-to-day.

I have never seen two friends have a more boring and pointless conversation about nothing. I hope I don't sound like this with my friends. Back at Quintland, they're running around outside with balls and a parachute and absolutely nothing happens. Much like the Roloffs these kids have a large property to enjoy, but there is a glaring difference between their episodes showing the property and the Roloffs. And that is at the Roloffs there were always three or four other kids there. Friends of the Roloff kids. There all.the.time. You literally can't go an episode without some friend of theirs popping up. Mueller and several others.

Deanna and Kate are still in their limo saying absolutely nothing worth recapping.

Commercials. Dating tip: It might be terribly awkward. But the last thing you do in a really awkward dating situation is say it's really awkward, Kate. Oy-veh!!!

The addition of a drone to this show has really improved the production values. They get some great shots of NYC. Lol, Kate doesn't want Deanna to leave right away after she introduces them. Oh for cripe sakes.

Vann's patiently waiting for Kate by the helicopter (for reals). What a weird meeting place, they're in a rather shady empty parking lot. He is tall, brunette, and has boyish, classic good looks. His suit coat is a little frumpy, but I find that endearing. Shows he's not vain.

Having been on my share of bad dates, I can tell within about five seconds Vann's not attracted to her. And that won't ever change. He's doing that awkward stare where the wheels are turning and the thought process is "well, she's pretty enough, but she's not really my kind of pretty I don't think, but let me give it a few more seconds.....nope, she's still not my type. Dang it, I have to sit through an entire date now with someone who could very well be quite nice but who is just not for me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Damn me."

Deanna tells some not credible story about how she met Vann at a "charity" event. Which one? Name names. Was this "charity" a production meeting in Silver Spring where she and a couple producers looked through a couple hundred head shots?

The helicopter pilot looks like he'd be just as comfortable delivering pizzas down in Brooklyn. I love NYC.

This reminds me of the "rewards" Trump used to give on The Apprentice where you got to do something really lavish and once in a lifetime, like take a helicopter ride at sunset. Those were the good ole days when that show was truly the best reality show ever made.

He's from Hoboken??? Hoboken!!!!!! Hall-ahhh!!! Sorry, I have a lot of college friends from that great place.  If you can't live in NYC, please, set up shop in Hoboken.

Vann certainly knows his battleships. I do too, actually. I'll take E-6 please. Well, NYC is a thing of beauty. It really is the greatest city in the world, isn't it? The only thing profound Kate can come up with to sum up this incredible experience was, that was, like, fun.

Like, yeah.

I have to give Kate a little credit, she's trying on this date. She's asking him questions about himself, making eye contact, and trying to act interested. They head to dinner at an Italian restaurant. Gosh, Van's cute. Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. I'm not sure why Kate thinks a parent can have nothing in common with someone who has no kids. Grr, I hate parents like that. Naturally she finds plenty of things in common with him. Duh.

Dating tip: Don't tell your date your brain is a "fruit salad."

Kate wants to know how it is Vann has ended up single without any kids at this age. Is it me or is that question really rude? Especially on a first date. Not everyone gets a girl knocked up at 18 and puts a ring on it. Some people postpone that aspect of their lives for very good reason. Career, travel, just not feeling ready for it all yet, haven't met the right girl yet. Although let's be real, some people postpone it because they want to live up being single and wealthy and party without any responsibility. Van looks like that type, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd rather you wait on having kids until you're really ready to be attentive to them, rather than settle down prematurely before you get all of that out of your system and see your marriage end in divorce by the time you're 40.

Dating tip: No overtly personal questions on your first date! Gah!

Vann is very polite about Kate's nosey question, making a joke about how his parents ask that a lot. His parents sound like they're worried he's gay, I'm totally getting that vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with that either. Vann says he's happy, he's comfortable, and he's holding out for the best. Heh, i.e. I want to live up being single and wealthy and party without any responsibility. Got it.

Kate goes into a long speech the crux of which is that you should not just marry the first person who comes along. She is clearly implying that's what she did. She acts like Jon coerced her into marriage. Wasn't it the opposite? Didn't she basically peg him as a dentist's son and promptly steal him out from under his girlfriend, no pun intended? That can hardly be characterized as happenstance, just putting a ring on the first thing that comes along with a pretty enough face and a vagina. Gimme a break. Her bar is set so much higher now, she explains. You know what, her kids are going to listen to this! She is such a f--ing bitch about their father whom they love, there's no other way to say it. It hasn't gotten any better in five years. She's a bit more subtle about it, but not really. She just doesn't name him by name now when she slams him, as if that makes it okay.

There's a gal in the background who looks like Jenna Bush and Julia Styles had a baby. That's so classic New York.

I see the kids have been brainwashed to regurgitate Kate's mantra that it would be tough for anyone to handle eight kids. I wonder how they think school teachers do it with 30 kids or more.

Baw, Van has never seen the show. Of course he hasn't. He's out being single and wealthy when this show airs.

This guy is a professional flirt but it could not be clearer he is not that into her, as much as he is being extremely nice and polite. It's tough for a woman to get through a date where she knows he's not into you, but it's even more embarrassing when she doesn't seem to realize it.

Commercials. Little people and their dogs!

Back at the date, they're diving into the tiramisu. I once met an Italian shopkeeper in Little Italy, Baltimore who insisted he invented tiramisu. He was kind of nutty but had a nice bakery.

How many ways can the producers ask the kids if they are okay with Kate dating??? Stop! They're asking this enough some of the kids are changing their answers. Having actually studied how to interview kids effectively, like really studied what psychologists and sociologists have to say about this, in order that I can do a better job at getting good information about crimes, or child abuse, from little ones who might be a witness or victim, one of the cardinal rules is you don't keep asking the child the same question over and over. You just don't. You ask it enough and they start thinking maybe you don't like their answer and maybe they should change it. By the time a child has been asked about an incident the third time or more, there is very little left they can say that is reliable. You have to basically throw out the interview at that point, it's of no value.

What do the twins dating have to do with anything? How boring.

Vann mumbles, I've noticed. Big time mumbles like as bad as Tyler Florence. That's one of those things where you tell your girlfriends the next day, well he was so cute and sweet, but he mumbles! If that is not already a Seinfeld episode, it should be.

Oh, no, not the pity walk. This is the point in the date where he is such a nice guy he is feeling guilty knowing he will never call you again. So he asks you if you'd like to take a little walk a couple blocks before you say goodnight.

Dating tip: When he wants to take a pity walk, trust me, it's a pity walk.

They take an admittedly cute selfie and send it to Deanna who promptly responds "CUTE!!!" Yes, it was cute.

Why isn't Kate just ending this date already? Painful. Kate says she can't do anything at the end of the date because her kids will be watching this. What was she going to do if cameras weren't there, have sex with him right outside the subway stop?

Dating tip: Don't put out on the first date!!

Kate ends the date by saying "you have my information." Lol, sounds like you're trying to get the Girl Scouts off your front porch, you know where I live hit me up next year. He leans in to go for a little kiss, and she turns away. She actually turns away! He lands on her cheek. I've heard of the Puritans but this is ridiculous. Why is she being so unnaturally prudish?

Vann gives a really polite interview basically saying Kate is really nice and he doesn't know how it would work with eight kids but you go where life takes you. God he's nice.

Kate was impressed he wasn't scared off by the eight kids thing. I'm not sure it's that so much as eight kids wasn't even really registering.

Kate says they're trying to arrange a time to meet up again, which is a nice guy's way of "ghosting" you without actually ghosting you. He will forever be trying to find a good time.

Dating tip: If he likes you, that time will be found. Usually within the next couple days.

Little people fire drills!!! And we're out.

Recap: Kate Plus 8 ''School Prep": Typically, everything purchased in this episode can be found much easier online, in general

Next time on the little people, little people swimming!

Coming up on Kate Plus 8, school shopping for clothes, backpacks, and Kate gets distracted by something shiny and starts buying things for herself. This is a literal repeat of at least a couple other back-to-school boring episodes, including Kate buying much more for herself than for the kids. No one in production is even trying to do something original, and why would they when phoning it in is enough? Kate doesn't believe in being fair because that wastes money. She should write a blog post on saving money by not being fair, Dave Ramsey would be proud.

It's always about Kate, Cara explains, who is old enough to be on to her mother but not old enough to realize when she should probably shush, which is my favorite age.

Kate is more orange than usual today in her couch interviews--I would say it's "Trump orange," which is a color I better patent soon before someone else steals it. But in the footage of her packing up the van her hue is back to normal, which is more eggshell white. Hannah gets stress headaches, Kate says as she discloses what should be confidential medical information. At 11 she's stressed? What on earth is she stressed about? Kate packs her into the van with a blanket.

Is that a booster seat? Wtf? I understand the carseat guidelines have shifted to include much older children now (in Pennsylvania, the law is booster seat up until age 7), but these kids are all way too old for that now. Most seat belts will fit children 4'9 and up comfortably and safely. None of these children are that short anymore. Give it up, Kate, they are not toddlers and haven't been for a long time.

It looks horrendous carting a sick child to the mall, I know, Kate says. Correct, it does. So why do it? A set teacher certainly wouldn't permit this or risk losing their license. Kate did the same to one of the boys not too long ago. They have a full time nanny, why can't Hannah stay behind with her? Kate explains this is just a Hannah thing and she'll get over it in a few hours.

There's Shoka again, a mere inches from the moving tires of a several-ton vehicle. Grr!!!

Dowdy Deanna just happened to be visiting and takes the twins off separately at the mall. Why couldn't Deanna stay home with Hannah, and make the twins suck it up and go with Kate and the rest of their siblings? Why do I hurt my brain wondering these things?

The boys say they don't like shopping other than for toys. By the looks of them they don't much enjoy endless couch interviews either as Aaden tosses his head back and lets out a huge yawn.

You know something that I didn't notice much in the past but is really starting to irritate me? How funny-cute Kate thinks she is. She tries to make these little self-depricating jokes and they're just annoying, not funny. "I get distracted by things I want to buy .... maybe I even acted like a person who had never been to a mall before. Did I remind you of someone like that? " She smiles like a goon.

Typically, no one cares what was done in year's past or why or how they need what they need, who likes what or doesn't, and all the whining and begging that ensues.

Joel says they don't want the same backpacks because that makes them look younger. Exactly!! Of course the kids don't want to dress alike or have the same things, contrary to the sheeple claiming maybe they like that. Of course they don't like that, no 11-year-old likes looking like a baby. The only nice thing about the fact that these kids a decade later are still working is that they are validating pretty much everything we predicted about how they likely feel. 

I enjoy watching Kate try to reason with a pre-teen. It's one of the few tolerable things left of this God forsaken reality show.

The kids want her to buy them water bottles but Kate passes on that, initially anyway. She says bottles get dirty and disgusting and they leave water in them and she ends up being the one always cleaning them out. I can't disagree there, reusable water bottles are a great idea in your perfect green fantasy but rarely work out in reality. I have a Contiga cup which is an incredible invention, when I get around to cleaning out last month's English breakfast tea.

Half a minute later Kate's buying them water bottles. She is either the biggest pushover in the world or is just trying to be on her best behavior for the cameras. Much like how she parents in general, she only seems to understand the tangible aspect of raising kids, the stuff, the things. She doesn't understand good parenting is not that you bought kids water bottles because they really wanted them, but rather good parenting is making sure your sick child stays home with someone they trust instead of being dragged along on this trip, or better yet shop on another day. Hannah says shopping stresses her mom out. I wonder if that's why Hannah in turn gets stressed out. 

Kate selects some tupperware and admits 90% of her shopping is done online. I was just going to say why don't they buy all this crap online like normal people? Does anyone even go to malls anymore? Malls are closing across the country at an alarming rate because people just don't go anymore. You can get better deals online usually anyway, and almost all stores now have a liberal return policy with free shipping no questions asked. You save stress, time, and gas and can try things on in the comfort of your own home. I'm guessing the other 10% of Kate's big box store shopping occurs solely because of the cameras. 

During an excruciatingly boring conversation about gym clothes I can hear one of the kids politely saying "excuse me, Mommy," trying to get her attention. She is ignored of course. It makes sense now why these kids shout, scream and stomp around so much. Being quiet and polite gets you nowhere. 

We're moving "owwn" to the next thing which is I guess clothes. This could easily have been the same footage from the premiere episode of this season, School's Out! where they went to the department store to buy luggage. It's that similar. Kate's helping Leah pick out some dresses and Alexis wants something too. Naturally Kate's comment about how shopping isn't always going to be fair was about Alexis, the least girlie of the girls. Figures. I'm not sure I even agree with Kate about how it can't be fair. It seems like this can easily be made fair. Give the kids each $50, $75 or whatever your budget is and have them pick out what they want with your approval. They're old enough to handle the money and pick out their clothes and that makes it perfectly fair. That noggin of hers sure thinks funny. 

This is rather interesting, I assumed the twins didn't want to shop with the younger kids because they seem to hate sharing the same planet as them, but Mady reveals that actually she doesn't understand why she didn't shop with the other kids since she needs clothes too, and that she "wasn't allowed." Wasn't allowed by whom? Production? Conversely, Kate claims the twins didn't want to shop with the younger kids. I immediately assume Kate's lying and Mady's telling the truth. So was separating them out done to have two separate shopping segments and stretch this out? Hmm!!

Anywho, the twins are with Deanna and picking out stuff and it's all absolutely uneventful and boring. Kate buys their boring stuff and then does that sarcastic "thank you, Mommy," thing that some annoying parents say to their kids when their kids forget to say thank you. In defense of Mady, Kate started it, and Mady explains that she was going to say thank you, was in fact about to say it. I'm going to give Mady the benefit of the doubt on this. They had just bought the shoes, at least give the child until the car ride home to thank her. 

This sets Mady off on a snide little tirade, accusing Kate of treating her like a brat. "Thank you, but you can say it to yourself," she snaps, whatever that means. She is I would guess about six months away from saying, "Thank you, but you should be thanking us because that's our money you're buying it with." Just ask the former child actor Missy Francis how old she was when she realized the same about her mother and started embezzling her own money to herself just to be sure she'd see any of it by the time she was 18. 

Mady can be trying, she's mean to her siblings and I think the way Kate allows her to speak to her is completely unacceptable, but I also understand what Mady's saying here, and that is that Kate is unreasonable, disrespectful and patronizing to her, yet expects perfect respect back. It's a set-up, it's unfair and certainly very obnoxious.

All Kate can do is sigh and ignore her at this point, and I think she's wise to shut up and just let Mady say her peace. Kate won't take any of it to heart though, which is a pity. A little give and take with this dysfunctional relationship might do wonders. 

It's a good thing we're not playing a drinking game this afternoon because I'd be soused to the gills. I just heard two typicallys and an "in general." Kate basically admits she's bribing the kids with pretzels. To buy shoes, or really just to stick around and film? I sense the latter. Mmm, I love mall pretzels. And mall cinnamon buns. That's all I miss about malls now that I don't go anymore like most people. Speaking of which, some of the finest television "short films" were made in a Cinnabon in Omaha. Watch Better Call Saul, the best show on television this year, and you'll understand.

I love the way Lancaster is pronounced in Pennsylvania: Lane-kes-ter. That is the correct way if I may say so. We have a Lancaster here, a medium-sized city in L.A. County but pronounced Lan-caster, and to go with its inferior pronunciation it's a desert with lots of snakes and varmints and not enough gas stations to run your tank down to almost empty and be fine.

How ironic, Kate has wonderful fond memories of her grandparents taking her to the mall. Grandpa gave them each $5 to spend. Sounds like even ole Gramps understands how to make shopping "fair."

The store didn't have a good selection of shoes, didn't have their sizes or the styles they want, and it doesn't look like they ended up buying anything. Remember those days? Now we have the inter-webs, where I promise you can find your size and style somewhere in that vast wonderland even if you might have to resort to ebay. Kate says for the second time how much she hates all this. Well, she makes it harder on herself. All this could be accomplished with a few clicks and a credit card that's already automatically entered by the little green men at Google. 

The little people are swimming again, which I realize now was a good excuse for production to try out their underwater camera rigs. They don't come cheap.

We're back with a completely unrelated subplot storyline to plot A, about how they're going to refurbish their picnic table. Kate and the younger kids head to the hardware store. The twins complain that they were not told they were going to the hardware store, they just woke up and they were gone. Sheesh, I hope schmoopy at least left them a note! Assuming it's true, that the twins weren't informed of this outing, this is what I mean by Kate not respecting them. You can't be as rude and inconsiderate as she apparently is to them, then expect respect back. It's a two-way street. 

Kate admits she doesn't "typically" take them to do errands like this, but the cameras are here so .... well, she really claims she took them them because this is going to be a whole-family project, but the truth is the kids are just in her way and she's not making any effort to include them in this shopping trip, and this is really about the cameras. 

Mady and Cara couldn't be more unenthused about helping to sand the table. They're insufferable but understandable.

Kate pulls out a power sander and makes a whole big deal about operating this machinery. This happened before too, just a couple episodes ago when she worked with a chain saw. I hate women who think its funny and cute when they tackle traditionally male jobs and act all damsel in distress about it. At one time this show recycled plot ideas from a season or two ago, now it's just an episode or two ago. It's like a blond bimbo high-pitched awful version of Groundhog Day, a movie I hate in the first place. Ha, Kate's awful at sanding, it runs every which way taking the scenic route down the table. Either that or she's really playing up the woman fumbling around with power tools gag. Amy Schumer she is not. 

Of course most of the kids start to gradually wander away, bored, now that Kate is power sanding and not including them or even letting them try it. What does she expect? 

Just an observation now that yet another too long and boring segment is over, but why didn't they pull out the power sander sooner? Why did they all sit there with sandpaper blocks and slave away for who knows how long when Kate had a power sander right there all along that could have done the entire job in 10 minutes?

This is a rhetorical questions I suppose, and the answer to most of my rhetorical questions is usually, because it was being filmed. It makes no sense to do things quickly and efficiently when you're being filmed, then you'd never be able to find enough footage to fill up 60 minutes of this drivel every week. You can only roll your eyes I guess. The kids are half onto all this and will be all the way there soon. 

Commercials, and when we get back they're still sanding that god damned picnic table! I feel like I'm in sandpaper purgatory and can't get out. A somewhat new thing they are doing during the kids' couch interviews is have them say the same thing at the same time. It's Children of the Corn creepy.

Amy Schumer here is working with an air compressor now, acting all inept again. Blow me.

Kate's glad the full-time nanny Andrea happened to be there since for some reason Andrea knows about how to stain picnic tables. Why wouldn't Andrea be there? She is their full-time nanny. The kids trickle back in now, interested in painting. Instead of whining about it, maybe Kate should just appreciate what they are willing to help with, little as it is. Finally after two long segments the table is finished, it looks great and the kids are mildly proud of their efforts. It really is amazing what a little sanding and staining can do. That's what she said.

Commercials, this time the promo is about people who are 600 pounds and a network that still pretends watching people pull their rolls of fat out from their pants and roll it around has educational value.

We're back with the third subplot in this episode that's actually related to the school shopping this time, final preparations for their first day of school. Mady makes an interesting comment that it's not cool to be entering high school, though she likes they don't have to wear uniforms anymore. I have never in all my life met a kid who wasn't thrilled to finally be going to high school with the big kids, even if there were a little first day nerves about it. It's just a strange comment. The twins are going shopping for clothes again? The first trip wasn't enough?

They're at one of those small boutique clothing shops that most women can't afford to shop at until at least a decade after college is over and several salaried paychecks later. In typical Mady and Cara fashion the twins are ungrateful, disagreeable and unhelpful to the very nice salesperson helping them who apparently cleared the store out for them. Kate defends their rude and unacceptable behavior by saying she was just like that as a teen. Well, then they get it from her.

Kate can't help herself and goes after all the shiny stuff, grabbing up dresses and blouses and handbags like it's a pop-up swag tent. The twins knew that would happen, heh.

Kate's still defending Mady who is making snide comments by saying it was actually a round-about way for Mady to say Kate looked nice. Lol! Kate, "oh my gosh you look like a human" is not a nice comment no matter how you twist and turn yourself around to make it one. She is the worst, no wonder these twins are the way they are. The music during this segment was pulled from stock 17th century harpsichords, which is random. 

Up next, they're going to another boutique??? I really am in shock how much is being repeated and recycled in this episode, and the sheer greed I'm witnessing. 

At last the final segment. What's the point in clearing out an expensive boutique for ungrateful teenagers if they don't like anything? Cara is actually arguing with Kate that she has enough summer clothes, she doesn't want anymore, and Mady doesn't seem to want anything at this place. Why in the world is Kate pushing them into buying summer clothes on a back-to-school trip in the Northeast when 95% of your school year will be spent in winter clothes?

Kate complains they're in a phase where they have very narrow likes and don't want to branch out. So? That's normal. At that age I think I had one or two sweaters and a pair of jeans I wore to death, as long as they are washed regularly it's not hurting anything.  What does Kate care? Just get them what they like, online, and be done with it. She really picks a lot of fights she doesn't need to.

Mady gives Kate one too many "it's all about you" comments and Kate finally loses her shit, haha. Love it.

A third store???? This is truly agonizing. Just take my word for it absolutely nothing interesting happened here. Kate suggests she and Mady get these completely ugly sweater pants and share them, "share custody of them" she says. Oh yeah cause Kate's so great at sharing custody of anything. Mady, you'll never see those sweater pants again except maybe for a Tuesday night dinner once in awhile but that's it.

It's finally over, and next time we pick out more clothes but at least it's for Kate's fake-date, and her rather cute (!) suitor, nice selection from all those head shots, production! Baw-hahhaa, the side hug and turned cheek at the end of the date. Shade! Cannot wait.

Little people playing with bubbles, and we're out.