Recap: Australia Zoo: Travel is 'knowlege'. Sort of.

Coming up on Kate Plus 8. Ha, the kids are starting to get a little more snarky toward Kate. It will only get worse the older they get.

Aw, Mady loved the Australia Zoo. At least the kids seemed to like this trip despite being pulled out of school and taken away from their Daddy on his visitation time. I think my heart would really be breaking for them, way more than it is already, if they were miserable.

I finally got an HD box for my led, and yea, now I can see every sun-tanned pore on Kate‘s sun-bleached face. In case you’ve been living under an organic rock, Kate got a Twitter account this week. Oh, and it’s really her. Even if it weren’t Twitter verified you would only have to read it to see that. This woman has Diarrhea of the Twitter--no, wait, Amoebic Dysentery of the Twitter, and of the over 650 tweets she has tapped out in just seven days, many of which could have put herself and the children in very grave danger (yes you read that right, it is up to 650 already), one of them was a confirmation she does indeed use tanning beds, and not the much safer spray tanning, because, allegedly, she is allergic. I feel sorry that Dorian Gray was not happy with her skin before, because I‘m not gonna lie, it was beautiful--generally clear, peaches and cream, soft complexion. The irony of having all this money is she is on track to end up looking worse for it in the end. Karma, justice, whatever you want to call that.

I suck at Math but bear with me while I do a little bit of pluses and minuses for a second. Okay, 650 tweets is about 92 a day, or assuming a 16 hour day, one tweet an average of every 10.4 minutes! All the birds in PA couldn’t compete.

Kate goes on about how they’ve been talking for years about meeting the Irwins and going to their zoo. Translation: She’s been holding out for this freebie longer than she would have liked.

They meet up with Terri and little Robert Irwin, who by the way is adorable and the spitting image of Steve. It was nice of Terri to learn all the kids’ names before they met. I haven’t really seen much of her since the good ole days of Animal Planet, she has aged quite a bit. But at least she looks natural. You have to hand it to her, she never really went Hollywood with her looks. Very little makeup, keep the hair simple, khaki shirts. I love how when Kate and Terri shake hands, Terri says, “Hello, I’m Terri.” Like she needs an introduction. Of course Kate just says, “Hi.” Ha! I appreciate Terri’s humility, all celebs should have some of it.

Where is Bindi you might ask, Australia‘s favorite exploited child? At school? No. Out with a friend? Negative. Why, she’s working of course! She’s getting ready for her Jungle Girls show.

Robert catches a little water dragon for the kids to see. It is uncanny the way Robert sneaks up on it, he is just like Steve right down to the way he crouches down and plants his feet.

They arrive at the croc show and there’s Bindi out there performing, channeling Miley Cirus. She is unnaturally enthusiastic, like she has spent her entire life being told to go big or go home. It’s a bit creepy that this is what she does every day for a living, this little teeny bop dance number. She is a child. A teen now, who should be with other teens doing teen things. Kate says some really nice things about Robert and Bindi, like how loving and well behaved they are. True, they do seem like nice kids. A bit too minion-like for my taste, but nice kids.

Terri justifies exploiting her kids by saying that it is good to give the kids public speaking skills and the gift of not being afraid of the camera. No, she really calls it a gift. Haha! Is she for real here? Terri? Kids can get public speaking skills in a variety of other ways that don’t involve selling their childhoods. Like debate club, the school play, French class, or becoming captain of a sports team. Things they would experience if they actually went to school, unlike Bindi. And wait just a darn second here, why does a kid even need public speaking skills at such a young age? Are they going to be giving some great oration on the battlefield anytime soon? They’re kids, not Kennedys! Why can’t they work on that later, like in high school and college? By the way, Katie Holmes was such a God awful terrible Jackie Kennedy I could only make it through episode two in that miniseries this week before I broke down in tears. But at least she’s working to support her kid and not the other way around like these two clowns before us.

And as far as the importance of kids not being afraid of the camera, well, that is only really an issue for the .001% percent of children who will actually grow up and spend even a small fraction of their lives on camera. So what if your kid doesn’t like cameras, let it go! If your child is afraid of spiders, do you just let it go, or do you keep throwing them into the spider lair until they get over it? I think you would let it go, come on now.

Kate’s eyes get all wide and she nods all exaggerated, all excited like, yes, Terri, public speaking! That sounds way better than I just want to give them free trips. File that one away for future reference! Terri, you are so smart.

Kate thinks she has a lot in common with Terri Irwin. I think so, too, but not in the way Kate is thinking. I really resent the fact that Kate says they are both single moms. The Irwins don’t have a dad, their dad is dead. But Jon is around and actively involved in his kids’ lives and was supposed to be having his holiday visit right at that very moment, except Kate made sure that didn‘t happen. It is not the same by any means and it‘s insulting to Jon to portray it as such.

Terri goes down into the croc pit with Robert and Bindi. All I can say is I completely and utterly disagree with Bindi being allowed to get right in there and feed the crocs at her young age. It is a scientific fact that a teenage brain is not able to fully assess the risks of a situation, or react appropriately to that risk. Hence lots of car accidents. I’m sure Bindi has all the good intentions in the world, but her brain is not yet developed enough to keep her completely safe, which is not her fault, but that is what parents are supposed to be for, to guide her until her brain catches up. Sigh.

Coming up, more zoo. Yawn. It’s raining now, serious pouring rain. The zoo is basically abandoned, but production is on a tight schedule so they throw a bunch of Australia Zoo slickers and boots on the kids and press on. Huh, oddly enough, Kate isn’t throwing a fit, complaining that she has nineteen layers on and is still soaked, and so on. In fact, she looks very happy. How can this be, you ask? Simple. Because it’s just demure, quiet little Terri who is perfectly content to let Kate be the star. She is used to playing second fiddle to Steve, riding shotgun is her personality. I think Terri knows exactly how to handle this woman so that they have a nice, peaceful day of production, I give her credit.

They try to feed kangaroos but they keep hopping off. Maybe the roos are just trying to find shelter and thinking how stupid the humans are for not doing the same. This has nothing to do with Kate but I really hate zoos, I have for years. I haven’t been to a zoo since I was a child, they make me cry. I hate how scared the kangaroos look to be swarmed by these kids, or any kids.

Oh my God, Aaden has a leech on his leg. Pass the salt! At home in the background is Kate’s child exploitation book I Just Want You to Know, as she explains this crisis. The cool zookeeper helps get it off the poor little guy, and then turns it into a learning experience by showing it to the rest of the kids. I like adults like that, adults who know how to make the best out of dicey moments. I guess Aaden is really at the bottom of the food chain, with both that leech and Kate sucking him dry.

They meet Bindi, and Hanna is really into her, she says she has a Bindi doll that looks just like her. There are Bindi dolls?? Ugh. I love this quote from the White House when someone tried to make Obama girl dolls: "We believe it is inappropriate to use young, private citizens for marketing purposes." Absolutely. I almost want to change parties just because of that. Ha, yeah right. But they are right about that, of course.

They watch someone feed a tiger. Kate goes off alone with Terri to pet a tiger up close. He is cute, but sorry, I find this very dangerous. The fact that the kids can’t come along for this is proof it’s dangerous. Bindi is good with the kids, holding their hands and asking lots of good questions like what their favorite animal is. She does seem like a nice girl and I feel bad for her the way she‘s essentially been groomed since babyhood for one kind of life and one only. Everyone calls it overbearing and constrictive and domineering when a father who is a doctor will only allow his child to prepare for medical school, but with Bindi and Robert it’s all fun and games and chuckles to prepare to run the zoo. It’s the same darn thing.

Kate saves some tiger fur from her hand in a plastic bag. That’s an interesting memento. She couldn’t just take a picture? Maybe the flash would have made him eat her?

We’re back, and it’s still pouring. They meet a variety of other animals including dingos. Aaden says the dingos eat chicken. I’m guessing they didn’t tell him about the baby. Kate gets to hold a koala. A teacher of mine went to Australia and she said this is similar to holding a sixteen-month old and is really cool. Actually I don’t blame Kate for crying, this is special. I still feel like he should not be in a zoo, but oh well. The twins get to hold them, too, and adore it. Mady is on the couch explaining this all by herself, Cara is nowhere to be found again. Kate says at that moment she knew she needed to do something to save the koalas. Kate, you need to do something to save your kids, for starters.

They all pose for a picture and Terri wants to just hurry it along. Most people naturally want to hurry along pictures, but Kate takes this as they are kindred spirits, as she likes to hurry along photos, too!

I don’t like people who force friendships. Who search high and low for the slightest little thing in common, like look, we both have two thumbs! A mouth! Teeth! Just to try to get in there good with a person and force the friendship. If you are indeed alike, the friendship will happen naturally, just relax. Kate wouldn’t give a hoot about Terri anyway if Terri weren’t very famous. Actually I take that back, if Terri weren’t famous but had a twitter account and flattered Kate, Kate might give a hoot.

We’re back and I think the editors messed up because the first few seconds were cut off. Ha. I can almost picture the editing intern doing sort of a “f--- it” to that and moving on. Some guy named Lance claiming to be Steve’s best friend shows them an iguana and has to really coax Kate to touch it. She does, complaining that he is cold. That’s because he is cold-blooded, Kate. He’s probably thinking you are hot.

The rain is even worse than before. It’s coming down in literal sheets. This is one long trip to the zoo and maybe it‘s time to call it a day, especially with the horrible weather. But you know, you can‘t be sure you have enough footage yet, so they press on. They help prepare food for the animals and you can tell Cara is really over this now. Kate as usual is trying to micromanage, this time Mady and Cara’s meatloaf. “You do everything for me,” Cara snaps vilely. She is really mad here. Kate of course blames this on her independence and not on Kate being overbearing and annoying. “Mommy, can’t you help the little kids?” Cara pleads. Mercifully Kate backs off a bit.

A porcupine, some elephants, I think this is enough already, really. I mean you want to leave something to the imagination if people are thinking about visiting this place at some point. Even the little kids are allowed to brush the elephants all up close and groom their toe nails. Maybe I’m a worry-wart and watch too much news, but aren’t elephants super dangerous, too? Just last January a zookeeper was killed by an elephant in Knoxville after he pushed her. I hate to say it but something is bound to happen at this zoo eventually if they allow kids to interact this closely with the animals all the time. The zoo is already facing serious financial trouble, an injury or heaven forbid even a death would really do it in. There is a reason for the word wild in wild animals.

Commercial and we’re back. Kate wants to feed a crocodile. I get the idea that she wants to do anything that will be something good to brag about later--I fed a crocodile, I held a koala, and so on. She is chomping on gum and telling Lance she’s serious. At least the crocodile won’t be offended by bad breath.

What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, someone from production asks Leah. I don’t know, she says as she walks away. Well, glad they children are learning something on this trip. "Travel is knowlege," as Kate tweeted the other day.

It’s all very dramatic but in the end Kate feeds the croc, runs out of there, and lives to tweet again. “Isn’t she scared to do everything?” Mady says saucily on the couch. Ha.

Oh, no! Poor Aaden is crying. He is very upset. This really scared him. The camera gets all up in his face to capture every moment of this. Kate thinks this is cool that he was so glad she was all right. What? He’s crying! This is cool? I can see maybe she was moved, or touched, but it’s cool? Weirdo. Let’s see, what can the family feed next? I know, a tortoise!

They head to the on-site animal hospital. Oh, there is a poor little mommy koala who got hit by a car. This is the kind of work with animals that I think is really great, much better than caging animals just for our enjoyment. Kate gets to hold a baby koala. You know for a trip to something so kids’-oriented, Kate is sure the one getting to do the vast majority of stuff here. Cara really liked this part, she even does a little interview on the couch about this. Robert in his adorable Australian accent explains all about the turtles there. He is a very bright little guy.

They watch a koala baby crawl back into his mother’s pouch, which I have never seen before in my life. Okay, this is actually very amazing to watch, it looks like reverse childbirth almost. Kate controls her screeching and screaming, thank God. “Terri, how can you not scream?” she asks. I don’t think Terri is a screamer in the first place. Not everyone is, Kate. But Terri says wryly, “I’ve been trained not to scream.” The nice doctors allow the family to name the baby. Of course Kate gets to decide on the name, Honey. The name is fine, but couldn’t the kids pick? The adorable koala bear clutches a warm water bottle, it really is sweet.

Bindi gives the kids khaki shirts with their names on them and they take a cute picture. I can’t believe they did an entire episode on one zoo. Kate is already scheming and calculating her next trip, trying to arrange something with Terri for Steve Irwin Day next November. Terri actually falls for Kate promising how dedicated she is going to be now to koala conservation and help with this for all time to come. Like most anything else, a narcissist will lose interest in such a thing after a few months, even weeks, just wait.

Kate says, cryptically, she wrote an email while she was there, “Thank you so much for allowing this trip, it was awesome!” Huh? An e-mail to whom? Jon? The judge? Her lawyer? How bizarre was that statement! And it was yet another backhanded slam at Jon, how could you not want me and the kids to experience such an awesome, fun trip?! Again, Kate, because he doesn’t want the kids exploited. This is not hard.

Lest Kate thinks she is the only mother in the world to ever be criticized for exploiting her kids, or the only mother to ever be “targeted” by a politician, let me introduce her to Bill Heffernan. Heffernan, the Australian version of PA’s Rep. Murt., who is a senator from the state of New South Whales, said this about Bindi: “Every child deserves their childhood, and your childhood is one of those touchstones of your life, but there's a real danger that that kid is going to be exploited. There's a very strong suggestion that there's this artificial environment being built around her for a commercial purpose and she's not in a position to make that decision by herself.”

And Queensland University of Technology professor Annah Healy had this to say: “All children need to be able to explore other avenues. That includes things like boredom and not getting what you want and other experiences in which she's not going to be a star.”

But what awful person would ever want a child to be bored or not get what they want? You know, I guess if one can’t understand why a child needs to sometimes experience boredom and not getting what they want just as much as it’s nice to experience an awesome trip, they’ll never get it. And, Kate would be in that group. The not getting it group.

Next week, they’re headed to Steve‘s homeland, New Zealand! And guess what? The preview shows the paparazzi swarming the kids creepily and cursing around them, so bad that it is bleeped out, and the kids look scared. Nice. And Jon is the mean irrational one for wanting to stop this trip? Get it, Kate? That is why Jon is sick of this. Not because he doesn’t want you to have wonderful trips. Go back to tweeting away with everyone who continues to support this pilfering.