Coming up on The Bachelorette! Er, I mean Kate Plus 8.
Hanger on Deanna is playing the role of the well-meaning but completely misguided friend who wants to set you up, which is just a front for the producers going through a couple hundred head shots and picking this guy out. His first meeting with Kate is awkward, explains Kate. Made more awkward still by Deanna being right there in the middle introducing them like it's 6th grade. Deanna tells hot-stuff that Kate has eight kids. I kind of feel like that's something you should mention to the guy before you set him up with her. It's not an insignificant detail that you can get into later, like you prefer Netflix and chill on the weekends, or you can drive stick shift. And can't you just meet outside Starbucks with instructions that say hey I'm the guy in the green hat and you're the girl with the polka dot skirt, like normal blind dates?
Mr. Swipe Right is cute if I may say so! He unbuttons not one but two of his shirt buttons. He waxes his chest. He drinks out of little tiny tea cups.
Kate claims she has gone on a handful of dates since the divorce. Heh, no she hasn't. Kate is quite vague about how Deanna knows Vann, because she knows him mostly from his head shot, but his resume sounds good. He went to Annapolis (good heavens!). I think it's absolutely f--ing hilarious that as Kate is explaining all this, they show a photo of her with her BFF Jamie. As we know, the running joke, or maybe even truth, is that Kate's relationship with Jamie might not always have been platonic. They have admitted they've slept in the same bed, and there are a number of bootleg photos circling out there for years showing them acting very huggy-kissy. That is truly brilliant editing and has to be intentional. It just has to be. We get the joke, Vann's really just auditioning as Kate's beard. Buh-bum--ching!
More and more Kate has been appearing on camera without a stitch of make-up on, which is not what I would expect from someone like her. Deanna's coming down from New York and will do Kate's hair and make-up and take her up to New York for the date. Who's going to watch the kids? And don't they know the cardinal rule of first dates, the guy should come to her?
They're doing a wha-what???? A helicopter ride? Well, what the heck, on my last date I only got some Thai food and a game of corn hole.
I don't trust a damn thing Kate says about what the kids have said about this date so I'm just going to ignore her recap of what she claims they said and cut straight to the kids. They're old enough to speak for themselves. Mady says with quite a bit of sass it's good for Kate to date and find a husband so she won't die alone. Heh, well that's one reason to find companionship. Meanwhile the younger kids think she's far too old to date. I love how when you're a kid 40 feels like 80, and 20 is at best, 40. Conversely, the older you get the younger people look, right? I can still remember being a freshman in college and how old and important I felt, but look at freshmen now and they are absolute babies. Goo-goo-gaa-gaa babies! Perception is so interesting. All in all none of these kids seem to mind her going on a date. Most of them are at best indifferent, and those who do care actually seem pretty selfless about this, just wanting Kate to find somebody. They see their father dating and happy, surely they have learned by now watching a parent move on and date is not that big of a deal. Anyway, I enjoy how all this flies right in the face of the sheeple, who have claimed all along Kate doesn't date for the good of her children. No, Kate doesn't date because she can't get a date, doesn't know how to get a date, is a child exploiter, opportunist and narcissist that would not make a wise partner for most men so most men avoid her, kids or no kids.
There is a very, very long segment about some of the kids helping her pick out clothes. It goes on forever.
Isn't Deanna a 40-year-old single woman? What does she know about what one should wear on their first, second or third dates? The second date should be business-like? Wtf? Deanna, that's how you find yourself 40 and single. No one wants to feel like they're meeting up with you to sign a contract, second date or not. Dating tip: Don't trust dating advice from hopelessly single friends.
At the end of this painfully long segment Kate chooses a boring but sensible little black dress.
Deanna provides a very vague story about how she's known Vann for many months (ever since she first saw his headshot), he's handsome and hard working, and would make a good match for Kate. I guess if you're looking for opposites attract you're right on the money.
Kate says one thing that I think is very true, in that having kids makes getting a date harder. Jon has not had a problem finding dates, but Jon is not nearly as socially awkward, uptight and negative. He sends out good, friendly vibes, and he gets girlfriends, and they seem to accept his children without question. Jon could have six toes on each foot, scales for skin, and a big hairy mole on the tip of his nose, and he'd still always have a girlfriend. For some people dating, and life, comes easier.
I couldn't agree with Kate more, before she should even waste her time, or for that matter his, I think it's very important to let your date know you have eight kids. For some strange reason Deanna feels it's best to hide this fact. That's just plain silly, and can I say rude? If I know I don't want to take on a partner with eight kids no matter how nice they are, I'd appreciate you not waste my time by withholding this information. Putting myself in Vann's shoes, all kinds of thoughts would be running through my head if that information were kept from me for too long. Before they're even out of the gate bad-advice-Deanna is helping Kate to create some major red flags for her date. Good job.
As Deanna does Kate's make-up, Deanna and Kate have a long and conceited conversation about how there's no way on this planet Vann cannot recognize Kate, I mean this is Kate we're talking about here, although Deanna hasn't gotten into who she is with Vann yet. For goodness sake, she's Kate Gosselin, not Gandhi. What Deanna did say is that she told him she's a hot blonde. Kate instructs her to keep applying make-up. Heh, good one, Kate!
Kate seems to be of the mindset that a parent must be 100% focused on their kids and someday when they are grown they can think about themselves again. There are quite a few parents who would disagree with that helicopter-parenting philosophy. This also is Kate's not-so-subtle way to get in a dig at Jon, who has nurtured romantic relationships and friendships alike all along, in addition to being a good father to his children. Not only is it not healthy for you for the rest of your life to come to a screeching halt when you are a parent, but it's not good for your children. Watching a parent in healthy relationships with other people male and female is how children learn to model healthy relationships of their own. It also sends an important message to children that the world doesn't revolve around them. I've known a lot of kids whose parents don't do absolutely anything but be parents, and the kids often end up spoiled. Eventually this approach leaves parents with a crippling sense of emptiness as children grow up and develop other interests outside their parents, which happens sooner rather than latter.
Plus, Kate's kids are way too old to need her attention at all hours of the day. She should be able to find plenty of time while they are at school or with friends to look after herself and develop some interests of her own and welcome other people into her life. Moreover, she has shown time and time again she is very much about herself as much as she is about her kids, and she has spent untoward amounts of time away from them over the years, so she can stop with the martyrdom. Let's be honest, she uses her kids to cover for her inability to get a date, that's the plain truth of it. They're a convenient excuse for her as they often are.
Commercials. We're back, and Kate says goodbye to the kids. I don't see anyone around who looks like a nanny. Her limo pulls up. Seriously, a limo? Could this be any more 1-percenter? I really struggle to grasp how most of her fans relate to this. Also, isn't she at all worried about the first impression that's going to leave on her date? I.e., snob? She lives how she thinks rich people live, but most rich people do not go around taking limos everywhere much less on just a date. At most, they might valet their own car once they get to the venue, but a limo is ridiculous and even the rich know it.
The producer asks the boys how it feels to watch their mom leave for a date. I find that question extremely prying and more appropriate for a therapist to ask, but nonetheless the boys seem genuinely indifferent, they're just like the little birdie finally flew the nest. Ha, the 24/7 D.C. eagle cam is 100 times more interesting than this family, sorry boys.
Mady doesn't understand why Kate is so nervous about dating. She says something about how if you want to be nervous over this, meaning herself, that's on you. I don't know whether to find that comment funny or self-absorbed.
Kate and Deanna have a boring conversation about how Kate's nervous and is hot. Deanna asks about her dating days before marriage. Ohhhh, now we're getting into something interesting. Of course Kate won't even give up any interesting information that's already out there anyway. I'm thinking of that story about her old high school boyfriend and how she was living with him. There was a tabloid interview with him years ago, as I recall. Kate claims her high school class was so tiny there wasn't much dating and her guy friends were more like brothers. Heh, that never stopped anyone before, have you read/been traumatized by Flower in the Attic?!
You know what's head-scratching? There's a way for her to tell the story of her past in a way that is respectful to the men she's been with while still deliciously interesting. I mean it was 20 years ago, it's not like she's dishing on yesterday's boyfriend. Instead she makes this conversation about as boring as a ham sandwich, claiming she never ever would dream of dating. But the truth is so much more engaging and would make for a much more interesting episode. She just doesn't get it.
Last time Kate dated there were pagers. Heh, yep, and cell phones that made your arm ache if you talked too long. Everyone complains about dating these days but dating was rough back then too.
Oh, finally they show their clearly full-time nanny Andrea, who can smile. I knew she had it in her. Took Kate going out of state to bring that out of her. Glad there is adult supervision here. They're making pizzas, and it's boring. Ha, Joel outs Kate by saying it's Kate's first date. I thought Kate just said she's had a handful of dates. No she hasn't, and her kids say so. I love that the kids are finally old enough to tell us what's really going on here. Her gaslighting days are over.
Mady explains that a first date is really just about assessing whether the guy is a serial killer. Holy smokes, Mady is spot on there. Yes, first things first.
Dating tip: Just pay the $29.99 and do the background check. Here, I'll pay it for you for gosh sakes.
More nosey questions from the producers, most of them I feel like they've already asked six different ways, but the sum of it all is that for the umpteenth time the kids are just fine with Kate dating if not even getting married. Why are so many of the kids concerned she'll progress too fast in this relationship before letting them meet the guy? Several say they really want to meet him and would be upset if they didn't. Exactly what I have been saying for years, many children want to meet and be involved in their parents' new relationships. They actually feel left out if you try to shelter them from it in some misguided attempt to protect them.
Andrea says it's a school night, which is just an interesting tidbit. Seems to me getting ready for school should be the priority, not filming. Stock "Italian" music as they eat the pizza. $1.99 on iTunes.
Deanna and Kate say they're excited to have an adult conversation for once, without talking about vocab words. Oh, Deanna, stop it. Geez, how do you think Andrea feels, she's the one actually taking care of these kids day-to-day.
I have never seen two friends have a more boring and pointless conversation about nothing. I hope I don't sound like this with my friends. Back at Quintland, they're running around outside with balls and a parachute and absolutely nothing happens. Much like the Roloffs these kids have a large property to enjoy, but there is a glaring difference between their episodes showing the property and the Roloffs. And that is at the Roloffs there were always three or four other kids there. Friends of the Roloff kids. There all.the.time. You literally can't go an episode without some friend of theirs popping up. Mueller and several others.
Deanna and Kate are still in their limo saying absolutely nothing worth recapping.
Commercials. Dating tip: It might be terribly awkward. But the last thing you do in a really awkward dating situation is say it's really awkward, Kate. Oy-veh!!!
The addition of a drone to this show has really improved the production values. They get some great shots of NYC. Lol, Kate doesn't want Deanna to leave right away after she introduces them. Oh for cripe sakes.
Vann's patiently waiting for Kate by the helicopter (for reals). What a weird meeting place, they're in a rather shady empty parking lot. He is tall, brunette, and has boyish, classic good looks. His suit coat is a little frumpy, but I find that endearing. Shows he's not vain.
Having been on my share of bad dates, I can tell within about five seconds Vann's not attracted to her. And that won't ever change. He's doing that awkward stare where the wheels are turning and the thought process is "well, she's pretty enough, but she's not really my kind of pretty I don't think, but let me give it a few more seconds.....nope, she's still not my type. Dang it, I have to sit through an entire date now with someone who could very well be quite nice but who is just not for me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Damn me."
Deanna tells some not credible story about how she met Vann at a "charity" event. Which one? Name names. Was this "charity" a production meeting in Silver Spring where she and a couple producers looked through a couple hundred head shots?
The helicopter pilot looks like he'd be just as comfortable delivering pizzas down in Brooklyn. I love NYC.
This reminds me of the "rewards" Trump used to give on The Apprentice where you got to do something really lavish and once in a lifetime, like take a helicopter ride at sunset. Those were the good ole days when that show was truly the best reality show ever made.
He's from Hoboken??? Hoboken!!!!!! Hall-ahhh!!! Sorry, I have a lot of college friends from that great place. If you can't live in NYC, please, set up shop in Hoboken.
Vann certainly knows his battleships. I do too, actually. I'll take E-6 please. Well, NYC is a thing of beauty. It really is the greatest city in the world, isn't it? The only thing profound Kate can come up with to sum up this incredible experience was, that was, like, fun.
I have to give Kate a little credit, she's trying on this date. She's asking him questions about himself, making eye contact, and trying to act interested. They head to dinner at an Italian restaurant. Gosh, Van's cute. Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. I'm not sure why Kate thinks a parent can have nothing in common with someone who has no kids. Grr, I hate parents like that. Naturally she finds plenty of things in common with him. Duh.
Dating tip: Don't tell your date your brain is a "fruit salad."
Kate wants to know how it is Vann has ended up single without any kids at this age. Is it me or is that question really rude? Especially on a first date. Not everyone gets a girl knocked up at 18 and puts a ring on it. Some people postpone that aspect of their lives for very good reason. Career, travel, just not feeling ready for it all yet, haven't met the right girl yet. Although let's be real, some people postpone it because they want to live up being single and wealthy and party without any responsibility. Van looks like that type, and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd rather you wait on having kids until you're really ready to be attentive to them, rather than settle down prematurely before you get all of that out of your system and see your marriage end in divorce by the time you're 40.
Dating tip: No overtly personal questions on your first date! Gah!
Vann is very polite about Kate's nosey question, making a joke about how his parents ask that a lot. His parents sound like they're worried he's gay, I'm totally getting that vibe. Not that there's anything wrong with that either. Vann says he's happy, he's comfortable, and he's holding out for the best. Heh, i.e. I want to live up being single and wealthy and party without any responsibility. Got it.
Kate goes into a long speech the crux of which is that you should not just marry the first person who comes along. She is clearly implying that's what she did. She acts like Jon coerced her into marriage. Wasn't it the opposite? Didn't she basically peg him as a dentist's son and promptly steal him out from under his girlfriend, no pun intended? That can hardly be characterized as happenstance, just putting a ring on the first thing that comes along with a pretty enough face and a vagina. Gimme a break. Her bar is set so much higher now, she explains. You know what, her kids are going to listen to this! She is such a f--ing bitch about their father whom they love, there's no other way to say it. It hasn't gotten any better in five years. She's a bit more subtle about it, but not really. She just doesn't name him by name now when she slams him, as if that makes it okay.
There's a gal in the background who looks like Jenna Bush and Julia Styles had a baby. That's so classic New York.
I see the kids have been brainwashed to regurgitate Kate's mantra that it would be tough for anyone to handle eight kids. I wonder how they think school teachers do it with 30 kids or more.
Baw, Van has never seen the show. Of course he hasn't. He's out being single and wealthy when this show airs.
This guy is a professional flirt but it could not be clearer he is not that into her, as much as he is being extremely nice and polite. It's tough for a woman to get through a date where she knows he's not into you, but it's even more embarrassing when she doesn't seem to realize it.
Commercials. Little people and their dogs!
Back at the date, they're diving into the tiramisu. I once met an Italian shopkeeper in Little Italy, Baltimore who insisted he invented tiramisu. He was kind of nutty but had a nice bakery.
How many ways can the producers ask the kids if they are okay with Kate dating??? Stop! They're asking this enough some of the kids are changing their answers. Having actually studied how to interview kids effectively, like really studied what psychologists and sociologists have to say about this, in order that I can do a better job at getting good information about crimes, or child abuse, from little ones who might be a witness or victim, one of the cardinal rules is you don't keep asking the child the same question over and over. You just don't. You ask it enough and they start thinking maybe you don't like their answer and maybe they should change it. By the time a child has been asked about an incident the third time or more, there is very little left they can say that is reliable. You have to basically throw out the interview at that point, it's of no value.
What do the twins dating have to do with anything? How boring.
Vann mumbles, I've noticed. Big time mumbles like as bad as Tyler Florence. That's one of those things where you tell your girlfriends the next day, well he was so cute and sweet, but he mumbles! If that is not already a Seinfeld episode, it should be.
Oh, no, not the pity walk. This is the point in the date where he is such a nice guy he is feeling guilty knowing he will never call you again. So he asks you if you'd like to take a little walk a couple blocks before you say goodnight.
Dating tip: When he wants to take a pity walk, trust me, it's a pity walk.
They take an admittedly cute selfie and send it to Deanna who promptly responds "CUTE!!!" Yes, it was cute.
Why isn't Kate just ending this date already? Painful. Kate says she can't do anything at the end of the date because her kids will be watching this. What was she going to do if cameras weren't there, have sex with him right outside the subway stop?
Dating tip: Don't put out on the first date!!
Kate ends the date by saying "you have my information." Lol, sounds like you're trying to get the Girl Scouts off your front porch, you know where I live hit me up next year. He leans in to go for a little kiss, and she turns away. She actually turns away! He lands on her cheek. I've heard of the Puritans but this is ridiculous. Why is she being so unnaturally prudish?
Vann gives a really polite interview basically saying Kate is really nice and he doesn't know how it would work with eight kids but you go where life takes you. God he's nice.
Kate was impressed he wasn't scared off by the eight kids thing. I'm not sure it's that so much as eight kids wasn't even really registering.
Kate says they're trying to arrange a time to meet up again, which is a nice guy's way of "ghosting" you without actually ghosting you. He will forever be trying to find a good time.
Dating tip: If he likes you, that time will be found. Usually within the next couple days.
Little people fire drills!!! And we're out.